You know…
61) What does Pat Buchanan’s endorsement of John Kerry for President mean?
a) somewhere in Hell, demons are preparing for a wicked snowball fight
b) being a right wing television pundit rots your brain
c) IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! WHY DON’T I FEEL FINE?
62) What is a reasonable person to make of the announcement that 59 year-old Stephen Stills has just had a son?
a) it’s not a bad idea – he’ll be starting to wear diapers around the same time his son will be getting out of them
b) it’s a bad idea – his wife, Kristen, will soon have to be wiping the drool off of two chins, and it’s a terrible thing to make a woman choose between her husband and her son
c) IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! DEAR LORD SOMEBODY GET ME A PACIFIER!
63) First, Dr. Mohamed Elmasry claimed that all Israeli adults were legitimate targets for terrorism. Then, Adam Aptowitzer, Ontario Chairman of the B’Nai Brith Institute for International Affairs claimed that Israeli state terrorism in the name of preventing deaths was not wrong. What is it with Michael Coren’s TV show?
a) Coren has been getting increasingly jealous that Rex Murphy has a higher public profile than he does, so he’s been getting his producers to spike the coffee of guests with LSD
b) Michael Coren has a TV show?
aii) You see? You see? That’s just the sort of thing I’m talking about!
c) IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! EVERY TIME I SEE STUDIO LIGHTS SHINE OFF THAT BALD HEAD, I THINK THE SUN HAS EXPLODED!
64) Why is The Daily Show a more important source of information for many Americans than traditional newscasts?
a) Jon Stewart could take Ted Koppel in a fair fight
b) Samantha bee looks better in a miniskirt than Wolf Blitzer
c) IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! CLOWNS MAY BE ELECTED TO OFFICE, BUT THEY SHOULD NEVER REPORT ON THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN!
65) According to Andrew Mack’s op-ed piece in the Globe and Mail, since the British medical journal The Lancet claimed that close to 100,000 Iraqi civilians were killed in the war and its aftermath, “we now have no excuse for ignorance.” Oh, really?
a) nah – I find watching a 24 hour Everybody Loves Raymond marathon is a great excuse for ignorance – you should try it some time
b) nah – Fox News tells me that 88 per cent of Americans have excuses for ignorance, and I always go with the majority
c) I…uhh…could you repeat the question? I have the attention span of a…a…ooh, shiny object!
66) Hey! How come question 65 didn’t have an answer that began with: “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!”?
a) you weren’t really expecting me to keep that up for all 20 questions, were you?
b) IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! COMEDIANS CAN’T EVEN BE TRUSTED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON THEIR SET-UPS!
c) IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! GET A GRIP!
67) Why did Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty ban BlackBerrys from provincial cabinet meetings?
a) he didn’t think that in-depth discussions of a new deal for the province’s cities would keep the attention of cabinet members as well as Pac-man
b) to keep MPPs from sending emails to each other commenting on his strange resemblance to Howdy Doody
c) they stain the antique desks
68) Who or what is Farid the Crime-Fighting Falcon?
a) a mascot created to help American soldiers train Iraqis on the finer points of law enforcement professionalism
b) NBC’s attempt to bring more diversity to its Saturday morning cartoon lineup
c) a dead duck
d) (a) and (c)
69) Critics of Finance Minister Ralph Goodale insist that there should be hefty tax cuts in Canada’s future despite the fact that a majority of Canadians want to see additional spending on social programmes, particularly health care. Why?
a) our mouths might say no, but our eyes say yes, yes!
b) infrastructure is for pussies
c) you legislate for the one’s whut brung ya
70) What’s the difference between a free speech zone and a prison cell?
a) you don’t have to share a prison cell with two dozen overeager political zealots – just a serial rapist or mass murderer (and they never know when to shut up!)
b) people in a prison cell tend to dress better than people in a free speech zone
c) most criminals get better press than people in free speech zones
71) In an editorial right there on their editorial page there, The Globe and Mail argued that Prime Minister Paul Martin agreeing to be a part of the American’s wildly expensive, arms treaty-busting, consistently test-failing missile defense system would not be a sign of servility to American interests. What the heck was that about?
a) somebody switched the tape of the ocean lapping on the shore that the editorial writers usually listen to while sleeping with somebody reading Nineteen Eighty-four
b) didn’t you hear? Servility is the new independence. You’ve got to hand it to those Globe and Mail editors – they’re ahead of the curve once again!
c) they left their editorial explaining why entering into a continental energy pact will give Canada more control over its energy exports to the United States in their other pair of pants
72) Match the policy position with the political party:
a) “If we breath a word about tax increases, cut off our tongues and boil us in hot oil!”
b) “Tax increases are bad, you know, because they dampen entrepreneurial spirit, or something, and, who cares, because we’ve got honking great surpluses!”
c) “You get the social programmes you fund. If you want to save health care, you have to be prepared to pay more in ta – hey, leth go oth my thongue!”
d) “We don’t need to raise taxes – Ottawa will always find more money for us.”
i) Conservative Party
ii) Liberal Party
iii) New Democratic Party
iv) Parti Quebecois
73) What is a reasonable person to make of news that Iraq’s media regulator has warned news organizations to stick to its line on the attack on Fallujah or face legal action?
a) Iraq is obviously more advanced than the United States, since its news organizations don’t even need a warning to toe the government line
b) now, that’s democracy in action
c) you…you really think I’m a reasonable person? I’m touched. Nobody’s called me a reasonable person since I blew my nose off snorting gun powder. You don’t want to know what I thought it was…
74) Now the American Securities Exchange Commission wants to strip Conrad Black of his control of Hollinger, Inc. At what point should you begin to feel sympathy for him?
a) I felt sorry for the day he was born – but, uhh, I guess that’s not really what you mean
b) when Barbara Amiel divorces him to marry a younger, wealthier man
c) when he gets a job offer from former Enron executives
75) If it’s not rocket science, what exactly is it?
a) neurosurgery
b) a small booboo, but I’ll kiss it and make it all better
c) jiggery pokery (and when was the last time somebody used that phrase in a sentence?)
76) Why does MP Carolyn Parrish so get up the nose of Canadian pundits?
a) they need somebody to bully now that Sheila Copps is no longer in politics
b) two words: too much mousse
c) in their heart of hearts, they suspect that more Canadians think George W. Bush is a moron and that the Americans who are involved in the war on Iraq are bastards than believe that Canada should immediately give up its sovereignty and join the United States in order to facilitate trade
77) What do you think of the chairman of the American Federal Communication Commission expressing disappointment over the opening of Monday Night Football that featured an actress wearing a towel coming on to a football star?
a) the wrong Powell resigned from the Bush administration
b) damn straight! Gotta keep your celebration of violence and your celebration of sex separate or you’ll confuse the young’uns!
c) must be nice not to have to worry if satellite radio is going to kill the Canadian music industry
78) A memo written by Prince Charles asks, “What is wrong with people nowadays? Why do they all seem to think they are qualified to do things far above their capabilities?” Good question. What is Prince Charles capable of?
a) fixing the plumbing when it gets backed u – actually, no, nothing to do with plumbing
b) mocking modern architecture
c) auditioning for the part of Dumbo in the Ice Capades version of the Disney classic
79) Now that the CRTC has allowed cable companies to carry Fox News, what is the most important thing the network should know about Canada?
a) it’s actually a separate country, with its own politics, culture (such as it is) and economy (although less and less all the time)
b) in Canada, red represents the left and blue represents the right. Did I go too fast for you? Red = left. Blue = right. Sorry for any confusion this may cause.
c) here, Liberal is not a dirty worry, but, rather, the natural ruling party
80) Good lord, is it the end of the world as we know it?
a) not at all – I’m on rabbit ears television time
b) I hope so – I’ve run out of Tommy Lee jokes
c) OH, LORD, IT’S THE EN…WAIT A MINUTE…