341) Which record should President George W. Bush be most proud of?
a) most executions by a Governor of Texas
b) most vacation days by a President
c) largest federal deficit in American history
342) Why has the Bush administration waived minimum wage laws for reconstruction efforts in New Orleans?
a) to help the poor and homeless get back on their feet
b) because otherwise there might not have been sufficient profit for Halliburton to accept its no-bid contract
c) to show all those wacky New Dealers that the world can work just fine without their la-di-dah notions about living wages
343) What is T-dot?
a) the latest drug used at raves
b) the name of choice of discriminating Shar-Pei owners all over Japan
c) another sad, sad attempt to make Toronto appear hip and cool
344) President Bush recently said: “Somebody said the other day, well, that’s a tax break. That region is going to have zero income anyway. There’s nothing there, in many parts of it. It makes sense to prove economic incentives for jobs to exist.” What was he talking about?
a) if you must ask, you clearly do not know
b) the possibility that the Red Sox would win the World Series again
c) dinosaur skeletons
d) other
345) When he wants to make a point, Prime Minister Martin balls his fists and waves them. What does this make him look like?
a) Little Lord Fauntleroy in a baggy suit
b) remember that monkey who used to do the most outrageous things on television and in the movies? You know, the one who banged the keys on a typewriter and piloted the most adorable miniature nuclear submarine? Come on! That…that monkey – the one who died of cancer in the 1970s from all those cigars people always wanted him to smoke! What? Nothing? Well, the Prime Minister sort of looks like that…
c) a Kurt Schwitters sculpture
346) Canada’s Chief Electoral Officer Jean-Pierre Kingsley says he would be willing to share information with law enforcement officials, even if it meant breaking the law, if it would save lives. How would information on the name, age, address, sex or, indirectly, Canadian citizenship of a voter save lives?
a)
b)
c)
d) other
347) What is a koshatnik?
a) the sound of one Slovakian sneezing
b) a dealer in stolen cats
c) a Russian rifle beloved by arms dealers everywhere
348) What did Wendy Wright of Concerned Women for America describe as “a pedophile’s best friend?”
a) Plan B, the morning-after pill
b) Plan B From Outer Space, the night before movie
c) any organization that acts to deny women their reproductive rights
349) Tom Cruise is expecting a child. Who is the lucky carrier of his genetic inheritance?
a) Katie Couric
b) Katie Holmes
c) Katie bar the door!
350) Why would New York Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. continue to defend reporter Judith Miller long after it had become obvious that she was a shill for the Bush administration?
a) he had worshipped her from afar ever since the day she had looked in his direction in the school cafeteria
b) he’s in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, and the first thing he seems to have forgotten are the rules of good journalism
c) like the frog in the pot of water, by the time you realize that the woman you thought was doing good journalism was actually a hack who had been beneficial in getting the country involved in a war on false pretenses, you’re cooked
351) From the following pairs of words, choose the one that is not Yiddish.
a) kup/kuppola
b) chienik/Chinesenik
c) tsuris/Thalia Assuras
352) Why was Mohammed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency, awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
a) his sparkling after-dinner repartee
b) the way he fills out a bikini (you didn’t take the whole talent segment seriously, did you?)
c) the air is so much more refined in…uhh…wherever they give out those things…
353) On a recent visit, United States Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice disputed the idea that half of illegal guns in Canada come from the US. If not the US, where do they come from?
a) the gun fairy brings them to sleeping gangbangers
b) Santa leaves them in the stockings of children with naughty parents
c) Guam
354) The Republicans have a Senator named Mike Crapo and a member of the House of Representatives named John Boehner. (Come on! They can deny it all they want, but we all know what Boehner sounds like.) Oh, and the Republican House Agriculture Committee Chairman is Robert Goodlatte. (I don’t drink coffee myself, but some things are just so obvious…) How did this Party get so powerful?
a) they know where the bodies are buried – I mean, how could they not? They buried most of them themselves
b) you should be ashamed of yourself for stooping so low as to make fun of people’s names – there’s nothing funny about people’s names…although – hee hee – Mike Crapo? Really?
c) they crept in when no one was looking
355) How is it possible that oil prices rise the day after a disaster disrupts supplies even though there is 60 days worth of oil already in the system?
a) oil travels faster than the speed of light
b) money talks (although you wouldn’t want your children to hear anything it said)
c) sheer viscosity
356) Sony recently caused an uproar by placing advertisements in newspapers and magazines depicting a young man wearing a crown whose thorns are twisted into the geometric shapes that are PlayStation’s logo with the tag line “Ten years of passion.” After the ad was pulled, Sony Computer Entertainment Italia expressed regret over the reaction, claiming that the “spirit of the message was misunderstood.” How, exactly, was the spirit of the message misunderstood?
a) it’s actually a plea to stop killing baby seals
b) it’s actually a plea to stop inner city gun violence (the outer city gun violence is on its own…)
c) the spirit the ad refers to is whisky, not the holy spirit
357) New York Times reporter Judith Miller was given a security clearance by the Pentagon. What is the next question we should ask about her?
a) who does her hair?
b) if Judith Miller is driving a car north at 40 miles per hour and Vice President Dick Cheney is driving a car south at 25 miles per hour, how long will it take for the Times to crash and burn?
c) oh, I’m just funnin’ with you. Was she being paid by the Pentagon, too?
358) You can buy a “Free Judith Miller” thong online. In how many ways is this wrong?
a) it’s just wrong
b) 3
c) 27
d) I lost count after 27
359) At least 14 infants had difficulty boarding planes in the United States because their names were on a no-fly list. What threat could they be to American national security?
a) they could spit anthrax up all over themselves (this isn’t actually dangerous, but it sounds scary, doesn’t it?)
b) that load in their diapers was full of fissile material – and I’m not speaking metaphorically!
c) their crying sounded suspiciously like Arabic for “Get out the box cutters, Alfred, we’re going to get us some virgins in heaven!”
360) If I fell in love with you and I promised to be true, would you help me understand?
a) will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64?
b) won’t you please, please help me?
c) don’t you just hate it when people answer a question with a question?