SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
The Alternate Reality News Service recently hired polling firm Harristweedfashin Interacting Up (HIU) to conduct a focus group of Reduhblican voters in Kansiconsin to help our readers better understand what the ferking hell is wrong with the state. This is a partial transcript of that conversation.
QUESTION ONE
HIU: Do you feel you are better off now than you were four years ago?
ALLAN PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: (24, white, college student who plans to be either the next Ayn Randiasagoht, Rand Paulonaldaphun or Unibomber, may not be his real name) Who are you to be asking the questions?
HIU: I…I’m sorry?
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: This country has been under the thumb of big polling for far too long! You make up the numbers that make the fake news feel so real to so many gullible sheeple. Honest, hard-working Vesampuccerians should take back polling and ask you about your opinions! The first thing I would like to know, and please feel free to share your feelings with us, is: why the ferk should any of us answer your questions?
HIU: Because my company is paying you to participate in this panel?
PAUSE.
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: Well…okay, then. I’ll answer your questions. But, under protest.
PAUSE.
HIU: So, how about the rest of you? Do you feel better off now than four years ago?
EMILY LITANUTELLA: (67, white, retired grandmother): My husband, Renaldo of Ghent, passed two months ago in the Poodle Cut Senior’s Residence where he was trying to catch Alzheimer’s disease. I tried to explain to him that you could only get Alzheimer’s from toilet seats, but would the stubborn old son of a…goat listen? Course not! His passing was quick – one day, he was wondering how he would be affected by eating the brain of a dementia patient – it wasn’t like she was using it! – the next day, he was in the ICU – a month later, he was dead. I couldn’t even see him to say goodbye because of COVID restrictions at the hospital, couldn’t hear his voice one final time. So, yes, I would say that I am better off now than I was four years ago. Much better off.
CHORUS: (half a dozen people who otherwise didn’t contribute to the conversation) Just when you think your eyes will mist
Up, there comes a twist!
LITANUTELLA: Hey, that rhymed!
CHORUS: Thank you for noticing, but please don’t make a fuss:
Rhyming is just something a chorus does.
FLOYYD JONESENFORRAHIT: (37, white, manager of a Bob So Tasty franchise) I can’t complain, really. I mean, sure, I may lose my business because of unnecessarily onerous lockdowns for a disease that doesn’t exist, and I may have to sell my children for scrap in order to pay the mortgage on my condo. And, if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t budget for the amount of alcohol I’ve started consuming. On the other hand, I look forward to the day when President McDruhitmumpf storms back into Washburningdington and has all the traitorous Dumboprats arrested and their ringleaders hung in public as a message to the world that we take democracy seriously! I like to think of myself as an optimist…
CHORUS: Matters in the heartland aren’t as stark as depicted:
Many people who live there are…strangely conflicted.
QUESTION TWO
HUI: Do you believe that the Reduhblican Party best serves your interests?
ERIC FLATULENTSANEER: (37, white, police officer) Absolutely! I paid $37 less in taxes over the last four years than I did when…that person of pigment was president! I mean, okay, the Reduhblicans haven’t shrunk government to the point where they can drown it in a bathtub. A pool, maybe. A big pool. You know, Olympic-sized. But they’re heading in the right direction, that’s for sure.
CHORUS: The party of limited government? How quaint.
Your grandparents’ Reduhblicans these ain’t!
FLATULENTSANEER: What – what do you mean?
CHORUS: The Reduhblicans can be such “fiscally responsible” phonies –
They love government spending that puts money in the pockets of their cronies!
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: Yeah, well, at least they aren’t shoving Black Lives Anti-matter propaganda down our throats or eating babies!
FLATULENTSANEER: (mutters) I hate…propaganda…
RHONDA LACKAWAKANDA: (17, white, aspiring single mother) Wait – what? Eating babies?
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: It’s true! They share recipes from some guy named Swiftonhisfeetberg or Swiftonhisfeetstein or something like that – right there on the Internet! You just have to know where to look!
LACKAWAKANDA: (shudders) That’s…disgusting!
FLATULENTSANEER: That’s why I will always vote for Ronald McDruhitmumpf – he may be many disgusting things, but he has never eaten a baby! …That I know of. And, so what if he did? He must have had a powerful reason! And, I’m sure he didn’t enjoy it…much…
CHORUS: Their beliefs are immune to any externality –
They have completely given themselves over to the cult of personality!
QUESTION THREE
HUI: I can see that many people in this room are hurting, just as many people in the country are hurting. Why do you think that an autocratic leader will improve your lives more than democratic institutions?
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: Ferk democratic institutions! What have democratic institutions ever done for me?
HUI: Other than maintain the road system?
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: Oh. Well, sure, I’ll give you that.
HUI: And, ensure the quality of our food and drugs?
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: Yes. That. Obviously.
HUI: And, stabilize our dollar so that our financial system doesn’t fall into ruin?
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: If you’re going to get technical about it –
LACKAWAKANDA: This is starting to sound awfully familiar…
HUI: And, provide us with the police to protect our communities?
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: Ferk the police!
FLATULENTSANEER: Now, hold on a second, there, son –
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: The police are tools of the elite, oppressors oppressing the oppressed white man! Traitors to the country and a danger to true patriots – that’s what the police are!
FLATULENTSANEER: I would be careful about what you say, there. You –
JONESENFORRAHIT: I know how to deal with traitors. (SOUND: metal clanging on table)
HUI: Wait, what –
LITANUTELLA: Bitch, you call that a knife? (SOUND: metal banging heavily on table) This, this is a ferking knife!
HUI: Put those away! This is not supposed to –
LACKAWAKANDA: Lady, did you…did you just go full on Betty Sowhitesheblindshines on his ass? Respect!
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: Amateurs. Don’t you know that you don’t bring knives to a Civil War…fight? (SOUND: the cocking of a gun)
HUI: What the ferk‽
PAUSE.
CHORUS: Then, there arose an awkward silence,
Filled with the heaviness of impending violence.
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: You know, I’ve had just about enough of your comments! If you don’t put a corkscrew in it, I’ll shut you up for you!
CHORUS: This is what living in a fantasy world begets:
Increasingly violent threats.
PSEUDONOMOUSNESS: You know, you’ve done nothing but criticize us since this whole thing started. Who do you work for? The FBI? The CIA? The phone company‽
CHORUS: So many bad ideas, so misbegot
How do people – BANG – oh Gord, we’ve been shot!
TRANSCRIPT ENDS