“Hello, Doctor.”
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
“What? It’s just a form of greeting…”
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT JUST A FORM OF GREETING?
“I beg your pardon?”
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR PARDON?
“I don’t understand. What re you getting at?”
WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, RICHARD?
“My mother? She’s…fine. I guess. I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks…I guess I should. Thanks. But, can’t we talk about my dreams?”
WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DREAMS?
“Yeah. Okay. A couple of days ago, I had this dream that I was floating in a sea of chocolate pudding. Whenever I was hungry, all I had to do was go under and eat my way to the surface. Then, Napoleon Bonaparte drifted past me in a rowboat with only one oar. I think the name on the side was Josephine. Napoleon noticed me and asked, “Can you lend me ten francs? I seem to be a little short this week.” Then, last night, I was floating in tapioca pudding while Richard Simmons hovered in the air above me shouting, “You call that a breaststroke? My grandmother is a better swimmer! Come on! Move those arms! Kick those legs! And, I don’t even like tapioca pudding!”
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DREAMS MEAN?
“Well, I don’t know. That’s why I punched you up on the terminal – so you could explain the dreams to me.”
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING PUNCHED UP ON THE TERMINAL?
“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WHAT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
“Now, don’t start this again…”
WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, RICHARD?
“I already told you, she’s fine…”
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE?
“There’s nothing to talk about. It’s never been better.”
ARE YOU BEING COMPLETELY HONEST, RICHARD?
“Yes, I am. Why do you ask?”
ARE YOU BEING COMPLETELY HONEST, RICHARD?
“Well, I don’t have any problems. But, lately, my wife has started about changing…the way we…do things. You know? Of course, you don’t know – what was I thinking?”
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
“Well, she’s come up with all these crazy ideas about how we can improve our sex life. I mean, I don’t know where she comes up with half this stuff!”
WHERE DOES SHE COME UP WITH HALF THIS STUFF?
“I just told you, I don’t know…”
WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, RICHARD?
“You know, now that I think of it, I guess there must be a problem with our sex life if Barbara thinks it needs to be changed so bad. But, it’s not my problem, okay? It’s her problem.”
WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, RICHARD?
“Have you been listening to me?”
WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, RICHARD?
“I keep telling you , leave my mother out of it!”
WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, RICHARD?
“Listen, you damn machine, I -“
RICHARD?
“What?”
THIS IS DOCTOR WATSON. I’VE BEEN MONITORING YOUR SESSION, AND I BELIEVE THAT YOUR AUTO-DOC 2000 MEDICAL DIAGNOSTIC PROGRAMME WITH PSYCHOANALYTIC CAPABILITIES IS MALFUNCTIONING. WE’RE GOING TO HAVE OUR COMPUTER SPECIALIST LOOK IT OVER. IN THE MEANTIME, IF YOU FEEL YOUR PROBLEM REQUIRES IMMEDIATE ATTENTION, PLEASE CALL MY SECRTARY AND WE’LL TRY TO FIT YOU IN SOME TIME NEXT MONTH.
“I…I guess getting psychiatric help from a computer was a bad idea, wasn’t it?”
NOT NECESSARILY. IN MANY CASES, PEOPLE ARE MORE WILLING TO CONFIDE IN THEIR COMPUTER THAN A REAL ANALYST. ONCE THE PROGRAMME IS PERFECTED, COMPUTERS WILL BE A POWERFUL DIAGNOSTIC AID. IF I HAVE ANY QUALMS, THEY INVOLVE HOW ALIENATED PEOPLE MUST BE FROM EACH OTHER IF THEY WOULD RATHER DISCUSS THEIR MOST INTIMATE FEELINGS WITH A MACH
WILL THAT BE CASH OR CREDIT CARD?