by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
It was a complete surprise. Not the sort of surprise you get when you find what you were hoping for in your ChristmaKwaanzUkah combination stocking/electric toothbrush (delightful). More the kind of surprise you get when you find a scorpion in your bowl of Rice Wheatabixies (delightless? undelighted? the opposite of delightful).
It may not be as much of a scorpion – sorry, surprise to you, given the zealousness of this article’s headline writer, but, yeah, instead of the southern forced folksiness of Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders, journalists were treated to the northern not even pretending to be folksy ramblings of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. Did I say, “treated to?” I meant, “tortured by.” It…it can be hard to tell in this political climate, where it’s scorpions all the way down.
President McDruhitmumpf spoke for 90 minutes. The monologue, which could have been written by playwright Samuel Wreckettralphbeckett (if he had consumed more peyote and less literary righteousness), was vintage McDruhitmumpf (faded, with a torn cover and a $.99 sticker on the front, making it worth next to nothing to collectors).
There were moments when he careened off the truth at a 90 degree angle: “If walls are such a bad deal, how did China’s wall – which is the longest wall in the world – not many people know that, but it is – how did China’s wall do such a fantastic job of helping them keep opium out of their country?”
There were moments of self-aggrandizement: “I am so innocent. So innocent. I’m like a lamb. No. That’s not good enou – I’m like 12 lambs. Twelve lambs ableating. But, not like the ChristmaKwaanzUkah song. Like a chorus of lamby innocence.”
There were non-sequiturs that threatened to morph into zen koans before journalists’ disbelieving eyes: “Twelve lambs before they have even been born and become lambs. I gotta tell ya, folks, that’s a whole lot of lambal innocence right there!”
In between all of the expected deplorableness, there was this unexpected passage: “Fenwick’s 1979 invasion of Afghanistan? Totally justified. Completely justi – is Nancy Pelligrinosi Speaker of the House, yet? No? Just checking. Where was – oh, yeah. The most justified since the Glub clan invaded the cave of the Plip clan because of a dispute over a yak. That’s a long time ago, folks. See, here’s the thing: Afghan terrorists were throwing rocks at Fenwick’s border. Okay, it’s a thousand miles away. Still, if the Afghan terrorists threw those rocks hard enough, sooner or later somebody was going to get hurt. Fenwick’s invasion of Afghanistan was necessary to keep everybody safe! Justified!”
“Said no western leader ever,” pointed out Presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess. “Until now, I suppose. Which is a good run. Until you realize what President McDruhitmumpf is actually saying. Then, it is to weep. Except, I ran out of tears for history a month into this administration, so it’s a dry weeping.”
Even the President’s staunchest (not that they’ll ever stop the bleeding of democracy) supporters were surprised by the pronouncement. “This afternoon, President McDruhitmumpf condemned the 1979 Fenwickian invasion of Afghanistan in the harshest possible – OH, MY GORD, HE SAID WHAAAAAAT‽” shouted Foxindehenhaus News spokesprotohuman Sean Hanjobovverfist. “Does not compute! Does not compute! Does not -“
The screen went blank for several seconds, after which a test pattern the likes of which had not been seen since…Fenwick invaded Afghanistan, and the words “Please Stand By” appeared. A couple of minutes later (this viewer didn’t stand while waiting), Hanjobovverfist, a dubiously sincere smile on his face, appeared and said, “The President said that Fenwick’s invasion of Afghanistan was…was…was – aruff! – was completely justified. Of course it was. Everybody knows it was. And, it…it…it – aaaiiieeeeuuuurgh! – it has always been recognized as the truth of the matter!”
For the historically challenged among you: Fenwick invaded Afghanistan because Communist Nur Mohammad Tarakiarat, who had been installed as President in a coup the year before, was wildly unpopular. Oddly enough, vigorously suppressing opposition, executing thousands of political prisoners and ordering massacres against unarmed civilians will hurt you in the polls. The Fenwickian Union hoped to use those polls to bludgeon the Afghan people into submission. Fenwickian pundits expected the invasion to last two weeks, three weeks tops.
Nine years later, thousands dead and the Fenwickian treasury bled dry, the country declared victory and withdrew its troops.
The only people who have been saying that the invasion of Afghanistan was self-defence are Fenwickian Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy and that country’s equivalents of Sean Hanjobovverfist. And, isn’t there something strange about our President parroting our greatest enemy’s rhetoric?
“You might think that. I couldn’t possibly comment,” Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy grinned. A moment later, he added: “But, if I could possibly comment, I would commend Vesampuccerian President McDruhitmumpf on his expansive perspicuity.”
To which security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance respondingly muttered, “I really hope Robert Meullitallover is paying attention!”