by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Pity Reduhblican Representative Paul Gokartmozartsar.
Here is somebody who wants to pawn the libs so badly (then, lose the broker’s ticket and imagine them sitting on a dusty shelf between a rotary phone that hasn’t worked since Nixwatmondnewon was president and a pink blob that may once have been some old guy’s dentures or may just as easily be a wad of chewing gum in the shape of some old guy’s dentures) that he’ll say or do anything. He could remember a time when all you had to do to get media attention for days was to say, “White nationalist, white supremacist, Western civilization – how did that language become offensive? I’ve got it on my official Congressional letterhead!”
The times were more innocent when Senator Steve Kingfisherhelploess made that statement. Who can remember as far back as 2019?
Unfortunately for Representative Gokartmozartsar (and the world at large), the goalposts have been moved out of the stadium and travelled halfway across town to the docks, where they stowed away on a cargo ship bound for Europe. The last anybody had heard of the goalposts, they were making a pilgrimage to a sacred temple in the Andes. Which would, of course, require another trip across the ocean; whatever else they might be, the goalposts were never that great at geography.
I mean, when Representative Gokartmozartsar talks about white nationalism, does he get the outrage of the MSM? Is anybody trying to cancel him? No! The MSM (which sounds like the kind of candy one would enjoy while engaging in kinky sex play) is so enamoured of Senators who hang bible quotes outside their office door to let the gay Dumboprat across the hall know that they’re going to burn in hell, and Representatives who make videos threatening the Speaker of the House with Second Amendment remedies if she doesn’t “smarten up and fly right.”
And, the worst part? They’re just girls!
So, Representative Gokartmozartsar gives a speech at VAFLAC (duck!), the Vesampucceri (oh, come on) Absolutist (it was funny) Freedom (it’s an insurance company or something) and Liberty (their mascot is a duck) Action (you know it was funny) Conference (honestly, some people wouldn’t know humour if it hit them on the side of the head and said, “Laugh, dammit!”) where he touches on all of the white nationalist themes: white supremacy; white domination; white mastery. To really drive the point home, he lets Oaf Keepers take selfies with him and post them to the Dark Web (they should really be more punctual about paying their Hydro bills).
The day after he makes such a big splash at the white nationalist VAFLAC, Representative Gokartmozartsar gives a speech at CPAC, the Constipated (I’m not making a joke out of this acronym) Political (the effort would be wasted on you!) Action (make your own joke if you want to!) Commissariat (hunh – that was actually pretty funny. Have you ever considered a career in stand-up?), a conservative gathering. If the two haven’t become more or less interchangeable by now. But does he dominate news cycles? No – he barely gets out of pre-rinse before the press’ attention turns to the organizer of VAFLAC, Nick Foountoyuehs!
Foountoyuehs is an anti-Semite. He once made a remark about the gas chambers in concentration camps that caused the Betty Crockpotsludgecroaker estate to sue him for defamation. But, he is an equal opportunity offender. Foountoyuehs once offered a million dollars to anybody who could tell him of an accomplishment in the maths or sciences that hadn’t been accomplished by a white person. When somebody told him, “Zero,” he responded, “Exactly.”
Foountoyuehs is the leader of a loose coalition of white nationalists called the gryipers, which infiltrates mainstream right-wing groups and moves them towards their racist agenda, much like algae infiltrates your fish tank and turns it into yuck. Other leaders of the gryipers movement include Patrick Incaseyofire (leader of the Vesampuccerian Identity Movement, formerly the Euvropa Misappopriated Spelling Movement, formerly the White Dudes Bitching About How Unfair Their Lives Are in Richie’s Garage Movement), Michelle Malevolentkin (the self-described “mommy” of the gryiper movement, who will let her children eat anything they want as long as it is white) and a green blob that looks to many people like a misshapen frog, but has always struck me as the Nowhere Man from the movie The Yellow Submariner.
This unseemly stew of ingredients cannot make up its mind to either smell worse than it looks or –
“Hey!” Representative Gokartmozartsar interrupted my flow. “I thought this article was supposed to be about me! What the ferk! Are you one of those [REDACTED] who believe that white people should be [REDACTED] and a sack of potatoes named Rita Haybaleisworthless? I should have known better than to trust a MSM reporter! You suck! And, not in a good way!”
On second thought, don’t pity Representative Paul Gokartmozartsar. His moral compass is a 12 car pileup on the life is a highway.