by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service Fashion Writer
What are today’s fashionable fascists wearing?
Make Vesampucceri Great Again caps are all the rage in official Washburningdington these days. The white stitching of the letters against the red background combines with the extreme blueness of the wearer to create an intensely patriotic effect.
To those of a certain age, the cap is usually accompanied by a flannel shirt, jeans and heavy work boots, an ensemble that proclaims that this is a person who is ready to fight the socialist immigrant abortioning hordes (as long as WWW Raw Raw Raw isn’t on that night, in which case, can we take a rain check?).
For the younger set, white polo shirts, black slacks and tiki torches are de rigeur fashion statements. And, the statement is: we’ll be happy to march alongside you and fund your fight against the socialist immigrant abortioning hordes as long as you don’t expect us to go for a beer afterwards or otherwise socialize because eww!
In some cases, these young people accessorize with Glocks, AK-47s and other pieces of hardware. Of course, these accessories send their own message.
While MVGA caps are versatile – they can be seen at sporting events as well as political rallies – they are anodyne when it comes to the truly bizarre fringes of the right. For them, MVGA caps are being replaced by V-ANON shirts. For the well to do, bespoke shirts that flatter the form of the wearer start for as little as $799.00. For everybody else, baggy shirts that speak to the wearer’s lack of concern about what other people think about their fashion sense can be had for as little as $19.99. V-ANON shirts come in a variety of colours and cuts; the only thing they have in common is a large stylized V on the front.
“Why are you even writing about this‽” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam goggled. “Do you have any idea what V-ANON is‽”
Pffh – please! Only the hottest fashion trend since John Lennonoyokon was diagnosed with shortsightedness!
“No!” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam pounded on the table between us, an impressive feet considering the interview with her was being conducted by phone. “I mean, yes, okay, maybe that. I…I don’t really follow fashion…”
Oh, girl, anybody looking at that blouse would have figured that out about you! (I may not have been able to see her – interview being conducted over the phone, remember? – but I get danger pay for covering fashion disasters, and I know one when I hear one!)
“That’s not important!” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam shouted, unconsciously pulling her blouse down to accentuate a body part she must have thought was an asset. “V-ANON specializes in deranged conspiracy theories! They believe that John F. Kennebunkedy’s death was faked so he could conspire with Hillary Roocartoncleveman and the radical squirrel brigade to drain hard-working Vesampuccerians of their precious bodily fluids in order to sell them to China to fund George Sorobororos’ socialist takeover of Mauritius! I’m telling you, these people put the “oh shit!” back in “batshit crazy!”
Wow. That’s hard to believe.
“I know, right?”
How could I waste my time interviewing somebody who doesn’t think fashion is important?
“What?”
Here’s a crazy idea: would it be possible to combine MVGA hats with V-ANON shirts? “It’s a couture risk,” fashion maven (more than a guru, less than a saint) Andrew Tallooraoorley mused. “But, those who don’t dare, might as well not wear, so, recognizing the pitfalls, I say go for it, honey bear!”
The main problem is the clash. Not of ideologies, silly, of colours. “Red MVGA hats with green V-ANON shirts? Are you trying to make everybody who sees you physically ill?” Tallooraoorley opined. “Are you trying to make people flash back to the sixties, which amounts to the same thing?”
Tallooraoorley suggested red shirts with a white V. “That combination would work in a kind of The Handmaid’s Tale meets Wag the Dog meets The Texas Chainsaw Massacre way. In other words: the best way possible!”
Would Tallooraoorley suggest people experiment with combinations of cap and shirt until they find one that works for them? “Oh, please! Would you suggest that people bleed from their eyeballs for other people’s fashion faux pas de do not? Besides, if people felt free to make their own fashion decisions, they wouldn’t need people like me to tell them what’s in and what’s out. And, that is so not a world I want to live in!”