Hello! Welcome to the world! I know this is all very new to you – I’m here to see that your transition to life is smooth. If you have any questions –
Goo goo ga ga?
I…I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch –
Goo goo ga ga?
Ah, right. Sorry – your accent threw me for a moment. No, you won’t remember any of this when you get older. I’ve often thought that was a design flaw in the ebb and flow, but I wasn’t consulted. The important thing is that our brief conversation will be part of your…genetic memory, if you will. You may not remember it consciously, but it will be in you…somewhere.
Goo goo…goo goo goo?
It’s kind of you to ask, but I’m nobody. Seriously, for all intents and purposes, I don’t exist. The important thing is that you should know, from birth, that you have been born in the greatest economic and military power that the world has ever known. You may never appreciate it, but you are the inheritor of the greatest democracy –
Goo?
Democracy. It’s a form of government that allows for the utmost individual freedom –
Ga ga…ick?
Ah, well, no. For the first 18 or so years of your life, you will be under the strict control of your parents. You must understand that this is purely a precautionary measure for your own benefit. It will take you at least 18 years to learn how to negotiate the complexities of the world. And, believe me, this is letting you off easily – many people spend their entire lives never quite understanding the complexities of the world.
Ick…ick ick!
W…was that a question?
I – goo. Ga ga…goo?
Oh. Well, that depends. You could go to a college or university, where you will have to do what your teachers tell you. You could do a stint in the military, in which case you will have to do what your superior officers tell you. Sooner or later, though, you will probably end up in business, where you will spend the next 30 or 40 years of your life taking orders from your bosses.
GOO! GA GA GOO GOO!
Frankly, I think that’s a very cynical observation for one who has only just been born to ma –
GOO! GA GA GOO GOO!
As a matter of fact, your freedom consists of more than just choosing which prison to devote your life to. Although I wouldn’t necessarily write that freedom off too quickly – for most of human history, where and to whom you were born would automatically determine what you would do for the rest of your life. So, you see, we’ve actually come a long –
Goo goo…goo goo goo goo?
NO, YOU CAN’T GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM! Look…we don’t have a lot of time. I have 3,700 other newborns to get to today. This will go much easier if you just accept that life is hard, but it’s less hard now than it has ever been, and becoming less so all the time…if you know what I mean.
Goo.
Alright, then. If you survive your work life, you will retire, at which point you will be able to do whatever you want…as long as your body can stand it. I would suggest you eat a lot of fibre, but you probably won’t realize the wisdom of this until much later in your life. But, no, not all is hopeless. You will be able to vote for your leaders once every four years or so. Historically, this is a tremendous adva –
Goo? Ick goo?
Well, no, there’s not much you can do if they prove to be incompetent before their term is up. Still –
Ick ick goo goo ga?
Yes, you are probably right that direct democracy would give you more control of your life, but, given the size of the population, it would prove to be unworkable.
Goo ick…goo goo ick?
No, I don’t think –
Goo ga goo ga ick ick?
Well, no, but –
Goo?
Really! There’s no call for such language! You have been born into the greatest democracy the world has ever known, a democracy that allows you more freedom than any other country in history! If you can’t be grateful for this, I’ll just have to find myself somebody who will!
Ga ga?
Newborns! They get more cynical every generation!