by FRED CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Science Writer
You say you want to do cutting edge science research, but you only have a budget of $11.93? Maybe you should look more closely at your clothes dryer.
George Whosie-Whatsits, previously known, if at all, as the man who appeared in The Joe McGinniss Book of World Records for receiving the most wedgies in a one week period at Schlomo Torquemada High School, has set the world of physics on its ear with a series of experiments that could revolutionize how we understand the origin of the universe.
“Oww, my ear!” responded the world of physics.
Whosie-Whatsits used a simple load of laundry which he had seeded with paper tissues (the first 27 times accidentally, then with an increasing sense of purpose). When he turned the washing machine on, the tissues exploded, spreading fuzzy paper bits throughout the machine.
Those fuzzy bits of tissue paper – which, he argues, are distributed throughout the washing machine drum in a way similar to how sub-atomic particles are believed to have been distributed throughout the universe in the smallest fraction of a second after the Big Bang – could just win Whosie-Whatsits’ the Nobel prize in Physics.
“Rubbish!” Whosie-Whatsits’ mother, Daisy Whatsits, commented. “Georgie’s not a major emerging talent in experimental physics, he’s just a silly, forgetful boy!”
Over several years of experimentation, Whosie-Whatsits’ played with the parameters of his laundry to find the perfect mix of elements to represent the newly born universe. Heavy load. Light load. Whites. Colours. Varying amounts of soap. To spin dry or use a clothes line? The results of his years of research were recently published in The Journal of National Inquiry F Through B.
But, how closely do Whosie-Whatsits’ results mirror actual scientific theory? When asked this question, Khricht Albamas’Diochtre, Googie Withers Chair of Physics at Yale, rubbed his antennae together in glee and said through his digital translator, “How close is a pupa and its cocoon? This will revolutionize the way we think about cosmopoli – cospla – origins of the universe studies – snikt chrup chrup SNIKT!”
Not everybody agrees with these findings. Renowned physicist and amateur porcelain butterfly collector Tracey L. M. Entz dismissively sputtered, “You…you…you can’t be serious! The washing machine is not a proper scientific instrument! There is absolutely no validity to anything that this…this charlatan has done!”
When pressed about Whosie-Whatsits’ results, Entz continued, “Look, mate, that’s just not the way science works! You have laboratories! Expensive equipment! White coats! Graduate students to write grant proposals. Young lab assistants who can be lured to your apartment with the promise of seeing a unique porcelain butterfly collection! Publication of findings in peer-reviewed journals! Interviews with the science press! Guest spots on Conan! You get the idea? Science has a process – it’s not something that just anybody can do in their mother’s basement!”
When pressed further about Whosie-Whatsits’ results, Entz collapsed into himself not unlike matter that has tires of the fight against gravity and allows itself to be pulled beyond the event horizon of a black hole. Not entirely like it, either, of course: I could still see and hear him and he didn’t appear to be leaking back into the universe in the form of Hawking Radiation. Well, maybe a small amount of Hawking Radiation escaped his ears, but that could just have been instrument error or comic effect.
“Yes,” Entz quietly replied at length, “Yes, your relentless journalistic prowess has gotten the better of my obscurant bluster. Not only do George Whosie-Whatsits’ results conform very nicely to our current understanding of the origins of the universe, but many physicists believe they will actually be able to improve on existing cosmological models thanks to his work.
“I swear – if Whosie-Whatsits wins the Nobel Prize in Physics, I may just have to start believing in god!”
“Trace is a good man, a fine scientist,” Albamas’Diochtre responded. “However, he is a little…let us say old-fashioned. Why, he did not believe that a sentient cockroach could chair a hard sciences department at a major university. Humanities or social sciences, perhaps, but not physics! Really, he needs to get with the times! SNIKT chirrup plup plunp IKT!”
We tried contacting Whosie-Whatsits for comment, but his mother wouldn’t let him come to the phone. “Oh, leave the child alone! He’s not mature enough to deal with you vultures in the media!” Daisy Whatsits insisted. “He’s only 37!”