by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
There’s an old joke (and I mean ancient: it was wrinkled and cranky about the blandness of the food that it was given when Methuselah was in diapers…and wrinkled and cranky about the blandness of the food he was given!) making the rounds of the squares: why do so many Christians love the state of Israel but hate Jews? The reason is tha – yes, I know Methuselah lived before there were Christians – that shows you how much they really hate Jews!
The reason is that Israel is where Scripture tells them the End Times (capital letters courtesy of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf – for the low, low price of $29.99 a dozen, quantities are limited, make sure you get yours while they last!) will take place. But the End Times (McDruhitmumpf Capital Letters are selling out fast – can you afford to miss out on the greatest thing in publishing since a metal apple hit Gutenbergdorfmann on the head?) can only happen if all of the Jews move to Israel (to be converted or killed). Every single one of them. No stragglers. Don’t misplace your plane ticket, brother, cause this is the Big One!
Oddly enough, some Jews don’t want to be killed or converted. In fact, some Jews don’t want to move to Israel at all, in the mistaken belief that they are actually happy where they are. The selfish bastards! Can’t they think of anybody other than themselves, for once‽ How dare they put their own petty needs before our Salvation‽
Ahem. Ahem? No, I think not. There will be no humble throat-clearing as long as the fate of millions of souls is at stake.
The joke has been given a contemporary (it was only coined around the time Moses parted the Red Sea – it’s the power of hate, again: never underestimate it!) spin: why do so many Christians love VIPAC – the Vesampucceri/Israel Political Abdication Committee – but hate Jews?
“Don’t be silly!” admonished VIPAC President Bernie Kamiskynettoy. “Christians don’t hate Jews – they love us! I mean, some of my best friends are Christians! Okay, so maybe they don’t invite me to play golf with them at their clubs – that’s okay; I’m not a big fan of irony – or their daughters’ bat mitzvahs. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for the small, minuscule, really, oversight, like they entered my phone number wrong in their digital rolodexes, or a virus attacked their inbox and only erased my email address or…or…or… Oh, my Gord, why do they hate us‽ I thought they liked us!“
If you believe the media (a dubious practice, to be sure), Jews run the Vesampucceri government. (I did warn you about the dubaity of believing the media, but you had to book a cruise there anyway!) As proof, they point (which they don’t think is rude because they represent the finger of Gord) to the fact that VIPAC has so much sway with governments of both political stripes.
But how can this be true when there are so many Christians in government, and so many Christians hate Jews? Simple: supporting Israel is not about supporting Jews.
With all due apologies to Foxindehenhaus News (which top out at: none), here’s a fact for you: for every Jewish Zionist in the world, there are approximately 30 Christian Zionists. Facts are like peanuts: you can’t crack just one. So, here’s another for you: some estimates suggest that there are 30 million Christian Zionists in the United States, alone, while there are an estimated 16 million Jews in the entire world. That’s almost three times as much!
Criticizing Zionism isn’t antisemitic, it’s anti-Christian! By a factor of 30!
In fact, scratch the surface of VIPAC (but not there – it enjoys the feeling a little too much), and you will find that behind the Jewish spokesbeards of the organization are a lot of Christian employees, and a lot of its money comes from Christian Zionist donors.
Moreover, the largest Vesampuccerian pro-Israel lobbying group is Christians Unhinged for Israel, which has over 7 million members. The fact that you’ve never heard of CUfI (rhymes with Goofy) suggests volumes (specifically: Ant(isemitism) to Gen(ocide)).
“It’s an incredible scam,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Christian Zionists use their money and influence to convince the Vesampuccerian government to support Israel, and Jews get all of the negative press!”
“Oh, I’m sure that’s not what’s happening,” Kamiskynettoy argued. “I’m sure they see the need for Jews in the Middle East to live in peace by waging constant war as fundamental to our human rights. Not that any of my Christian friends have ever expressed that much sympathy about our cause. Or any sympathy about it, really. Why do they hate us so much‽ Why—hy-hy-hy-hy oh, why‽“
Some questions are eternal.