by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The Oracle at Philadelphi listens patiently to the questions of pilgrims who have come from around the world to hear her wisdom. Attendants to the Oracle are trained to tend to the physical and spiritual wounds that pilgrims often have. The attendants take the time to teach pilgrims about the history of the Oracle, as well as help them formulate questions that are more likely to receive helpful answers than the ones they tend to arrive in Philadelphi with.
And, if the pilgrims make a generous contribution to the Oracle, or if they are truly needy and destitute, the attendants will have sex with them.
“You have to appreciate that our Church has been around for thousands of years,” explained Temple Whore, Third Degree Olivia Newton-Figg, who was quite fetching in her Armani business toga. “That’s longer than Christianity, and even longer than Judaism. Clearly, we fill a need that other religions do not.”
Yes. You have sex with your parishioners.
“Oh, we’re much more than that,” Newton-Figg insisted. “Where most modern religions are patriarchal, are dominated by men, we…bring a feminine approach to the mystical and the divine. Yes, sensuality is one way we express our divinity. We are also very strong believers in service to our community.”
You mean, you like servicing your community.
“Ah,” Newton-Figg responded. “I see what’s happening here. If I mentioned our community outreach programmes, would you -“
Use it as an excuse for a childish sexual double entendre? Absolutely.
“Why don’t we forget I mentioned it, then?”
The Church of Universal Love, aka The Church of the Sacred Whore, aka Venus’ Hangout, had been denied faith-based funding under the Bush administration. According to Newton-Figg, the Oracle at Philadelphi was hoping that the Obama administration would be more open to allow it access to governmental faith-based funds, but, so far, that has not been the case.
[EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF’S NOTE: This is the lede. This paragraph. The one right here. I keep putting it at the top of the article where it belongs, and somebody keeps burying it here. STOP IT! If this article goes out with the paragraphs in the wrong order, I will find out who is responsible and there will be slappage!]
“Well, be fair,” Jedediah Snakken-Craikh, third undersecretary to the assistant deputy underling to the chairman of the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives, stated. “We are currently reviewing all of our programmes – this process will take time.
“Besides, they have sex with their parishioners. Not much of a religion, you ask me.”
Temple Whore, Third Degree Newton-Figg flushed with anger. She was actually quite fetching when she did. “Yes, the Church of Venus believes in making love, not war,” she angrily stated. “In fact, we were the only major religion in the United States that opposed the invasion of Iraq! That’s what this is really about – payback for our lack of support of Bush’s foreign policies.”
Snakken-Craikh considered this accusation for a moment. “Naah,” he finally said. “It’s the sex.” When I pressed him on the possibility that it could be both, Snakken-Craikh relented: “Okay, maybe it’s both. But, of the two, the sex is most important.”
Newton-Figg shook her golden locks and tsked about mainstream religion’s obsession with her church’s practices, her tongue darting through her teeth like a hummingbird flitting through gravestones. She pointed out that the Church of Venus has long been an innovator in safe sex techniques, and that its followers have the lowest rate of sexually transmitted diseases
“Yes, even lower than Catholics,” Newton-Figg proudly stated. Her smile lit up the room.
When confronted with such facts, Snakken-Craikh, who looked a little like Lurch without the mischief playing around his eyes, got defensive. “Oh, yeah?” he snorted. “Well, if the Oracle of Philadelphi is so impressive, how come she hasn’t foreseen whether we’re going to give the church funds or not?”
“The Oracle is no crystal ball seer!” Newton-Figg snorted. Of the two, her snort was much more…arousing. “She dispenses wisdom – what a person does with it is up to them!”
If the Church’s request for funding from the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives is denied, it has every intention of appealing the decision to the President, Newton-Figg stated appealingly. “If that doesn’t work, we will take our case to the public. Have you ever heard of the Lysistrata Gambit? This is by no means over.”
Then, a lion jumped out from behind a potted plant and ate her.
“That was kind of random, wasn’t it?” Snakken-Craikh asked.
“Life is kind of random,” I responded, and ended the story.