I’m So Proud…Thank You…Thank You…
I flew out to Vancouver for VCon, the 35th annual science fiction and fantasy convention, to promote my books. (Regular readers will know I have two science fiction books in print; irregular readers need to get more bran in their diet.) There were a few women on the plane carrying small babies, forcing the pilot to announce that their crying needed to be shut off during takeoffs and landings so it didn’t interfere with the electronic equipment.
Strange coincidence: at one of the hotels where the convention was taking place, there was also a convention of people whose family name was “Ma.” (Vancouver has a big Asian population.) Clearly, the universe was sending me a message.
I’m going to be a mother!
Perhaps It’s a Sign You Should Be In Wood Paneling
Eight things to do if you are the only person to show up for your panel:
1. Play shootsies with your business cards. (You win!)
2. Pour all the water in the pitchers out the window, then complain about not being able to perform when you’re “parched.” (Hotel staff love pranks.)
3. Debate with yourself whether Bill vander Zalm’s return to the spotlight is a boon to satirists everywhere or a sign of impending End Times.
4. Plot revenge against Robert J. Sawyer, who had the nerve to have a reading scheduled at the same time.
5. Wait for five minutes, then go see if you can fit in with the Mas.
6. Wonder if the motto on the hotel room keys that reads “You hold the power to open doors” means you’re destined to become a doorman. (The immediate signs are not encouraging.)
7. Take deep breaths, calming yourself to the point where you no longer feel the need to strangle the guy in the dealer’s room who keeps opening and closing a model Star Trek communicator – man, that sound effect gets annoying really fast!
8. Gleefully imagine the sound a model Star Trek communicator makes as a ringtone.
And, Those Are Exactly the Qualities You Want in a Dealer’s Room
In the dealer’s room, the woman with the table to my right sold quill feathers. She could tell you the differences between goose feathers and turkey feathers, where it was illegal to sell certain feathers and the usefulness of different inks, among other things.
Hi, Billie!
To my left was a large display of steampunk fashions. One of the people who ran it had a lovely voice, which she used to sing opera .
Hi, Woman Whose Name I Didn’t Get!
That was my experience of the VCon dealer’s room: educational and entertaining!
The Life Cycle of the Typical Business Card
One of the ways I can make people at science fiction conventions aware of who I am and what I do is to print up business cards that I hand out to people who walk by my table in the dealer’s room. What happens to the cards after I have handed them out? This is my best guess:
| 1. | I offer somebody walking by the table a card. | |
| 2. | Do they take it? | |
| NO | 3. | This was obviously not the person to give the card to – maybe they are allergic to the card’s ink, maybe they’re just hard-hearted. Either way, I keep the card and offer it to somebody who is more likely to give it a good home. |
| YES | 4. | Do they stop at the table, giving me the chance to talk to them about my writing, or do they rush on towards the table selling the Star Trek weapons? |
| RUSH | 5. | Did they put the card in their pocket or bag before they moved on, or did they keep holding it in their hands? |
| HANDS | 6. | They’ll throw the card out as soon as they leave the dealer’s room. |
| POCKET/BAG | 7. | They’ll find the card three weeks later in a pile of stuff from the convention. By that time, they will have completely forgotten who I am and what the card represents. At this point, it will turn into something that takes up space in their life for no good reason, and they will throw it out. |
| 8. | Will they recycle the card? | |
| YES or NO | 9. | How people dispose of cards I have given to them at conventions isn’t really relevant to my purpose, but thanks for bringing up this crucial question. I hope people reading this will be more conscientious about how they dispose of business cards they are given at conventions in the future (after their ritual month of feeling guilty for disposing of my cards in the first place, of course). |
| YES | 10. | Do they seem interested in what I am saying? |
| NO | 11. | Thank them for listening and wish them a good con. (They don’t have to know what I’m thinking. In fact, best that they do not.) Then, GO TO 5. |
| YES | 12. | Do they buy the book? |
| NO | 13. | They will keep the card to remind them of this funny conversation they had with this weird but probably harmless guy at that science fiction convention they went to, you know, back when they went to science fiction conventions. When they find it difficult to explain to their children what the card represents, it will quietly disappear, never to be spoken of again. |
| YES | 14. | They will keep the card in the book, a cherished memento of the time they met one of their favourite authors; it will turn into a family heirloom that will be venerated over the generations. Yay! Go me! (Theoretical.) |
Extremely Uncomfortable, And Yet if You’re Not the One Wearing Them…
The theme of the convention was Steampunk. I have a newly found respect for corsets.
And, ancient electronics.
What the Heck Do You Know About Con Etiquette?
My reading at VCon was attended by three and three quarters people. How should a writer respond to this?
a) Thank the organizers for the opportunity to hone your reading skills in a low-pressure environment.
b) Complain to the organizers that they didn’t promote your reading enough, engendering enough ill will to ensure that you are never invited back and starting the ill will that will poison your reputation in the science fiction community and destroy your career before it has even had a chance to begin. (Not recommended.)
c) Go to your room and pout for five minutes. If you haven’t stopped pouting in five hours, you should reconsider your desire to become a writer.
d) other
Koan of the Con
Who goes to a dealer’s room with no money? Perhaps more important: are they sadists or masochists?
Vancouver Really Is a Different State of Mind
I read late Saturday afternoon. When I saw people at panels the next day, several of them apologized for not being able to make my reading, AND THEY ACTUALLY SOUNDED LIKE THEY MEANT IT!
A couple of people who visited my table on Saturday apologized for not having enough money to buy a book and assured me that they would be back on Sunday to get one. Yeah, right. How many times had I heard that one before! Only…THEY ACTUALLY CAME BACK THE NEXT DAY AND BOUGHT A BOOK!
These were strange new experiences for me…but I could get used to them. Oh, yes, I think I could easily get used to them…