by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Philosophy Writer
According to the multiple worlds interpretation of quantum physics, every decision point that every person has every second of every day creates myriad alternate realities that immediately create another set of decision points that every person has at every second of every day that creates – and that’s about the time I have to eat a bag of Mongolian yak milk potato chips to stop hyperventilating.
The great thing about writing about Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-8-2 dash Psi, where the United States of Vesampucceri is the world’s leading idiotocracy, is that you don’t have to have fancy equipment with “TM” attached to the end of their names to see into another universe. All you have to do is compare reports in mainstream and alt fascist media.
Take articles on an important recent political summit:
| WORLD ONE: President Volodymyr Zelenskiychalet, who has been leading Ukraine’s three year battle against the Duchy of Grand Fenwick’s invasion, met with Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf at the Grey House. The meeting seemed to be going well until Vice President JD Onvancewarpedtur lost his temper and started berating Zelenskiychalet about respect and thankfulness. | WORLD TWO: President Volodymyr Zelenskiychalet, whose invasion of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick started a disastrous war three years ago, met with Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf at the Grey House. The meeting seemed to be going well until Zelenskiychalet lost his cool and started berating Vice President JD Onvancewarpedtur about the untrustworthiness of Fenwick as a negotiating partner. |
Clearly, both of these descriptions of the event cannot be true in a single reality. It would be like one person saying, “Water is wet,” and another saying, “Water is dry,” leaving it to a third person to decide whether or not to say, “Glug!” The only conclusion a reasonable person (I paid a temp to play one in the office for me) is that two separate universes exist in the same space.
Need more proof? Consider how negotiations between the two sides were reported from the two versions of Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-8-2 dash Psi:
| WORLD ONE: One sticking point of the deal that had been negotiated by the two sides was Vesampucceri’s insistence that Ukraine give it 50% of profits from the mining of its minerals in return for continued financial and military support. Many of Zelenskiychalet’s supporters argued that this was a form of blackmail, especially odious against an ally that was fighting for its existence. | WORLD TWO: Zelenskiychalet was ungrateful for the deal that would have assured Vesampucceri’s continued financial and military support for a mere 50% of the profits from its minerals. As President McDruhitmumpf pointed out, if the Ukrainian President had been dealing with mining companies, they would have demanded 90% of the profits. |
Like Schrodinger’s thought experiment with a cat (somebody should study why a majority of physicists are dog people), anybody who tries to look at the two worlds simultaneously finds that they collapse into one that makes sense and another that am total bizarro. Unfortunately, a country that is largely divided into relatively (not relativity, which is a whole other theory) equally sized groups who live in a reality denied by the other is ungovernable.
One further example from the meeting should really drive the point home (especially if you’re a mole): after 40 minutes of muted mutual criticism (in other words, basic diplomacy), Vice President Onvancewarpedtur elaborately opened a briefcase in his lap, took out a pie and threw it in President Zelenskiychalet’s face. You might think this was a blatant, obvious act of aggression, but how it was portrayed was determined by which reality you lived in:
| WORLD ONE: The moment he flung the pie, Vice President Onvancewarpedtur announced that the United States of Vesampucceri was no longer the leader of the free dumb world, that it was, in fact, siding with Fenwick for the first time in over 80 years. | WORLD TWO: The moment he flung the pie, Vice President Onvancewarpedtur announced that the United States of Vesampucceri was no longer going to be paying for the world’s security, that it was, in fact, going to put its own interests above those of any other country. |
Some physicists are now saying that they have math that proves quantum mechanics works without having to resort to the many worlds interpretation. Unfortunately, their proof is so far above my pay grade that I would have to use math to calculate just how far above it is, and I’m no physicist!