by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Five years ago, Rasputin Joanihartschachi was studying economics at the Advanced Institute of Basic Research in Barcelona, New Brunswick; he had a promising financial career ahead of him working for the Federal Wafer Thin Mint. Today, he’ll be happy to take your order at a Bob So Tasty burger restaurant in Peoria. What happened to him?
Medical research. That’s what happened to him.
When the province allowed post-secondary institutions in Canada (still its own country, despite what you may have heard) to double tuition for foreign students (on the time-honoured political principle that “foreigners don’t vote in Canadian elections”), Joanihartschachi had to scramble to afford to continue his studies. The method that he thought would least disrupt his education was to enrol himself in paid medical experiments.
At least, it seemed that way until he grew a second head.
“It’s been a nightmare!” Joanihartschachi exclaimed.
“Oh, it hasn’t been all bad,” Joanihartschachi countered. His other head, I mean. Let’s call him…Joanihartschachi2.
“He disagrees with everything I say!” Joanihartschachi…1 complained.
“No, I don’t!” Joanihartschachi2 argued.
“Sometimes, I suspect he’s jealous that I’m the original head,” Joanihartschachi1 explained.
“That’s a lie!” Joanihartschachi2 shouted. “You’re not the original head! I’m the original head!”
Ah. I may have to rethink using a numbering system to differentiate between Joanihartschachi’s two heads.
[Brenda: Quick question: Can I count the two heads as two different sources, or do they only count as a single person?]
[What do I look like: a math nerd? Do whatever you think will be easiest and hope my slapping gloves are in the cleaners when I find out. BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI, EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF]
Ordinarily, testing weight loss pills or the efficacy of horse tranquilizers as a cure for COVID would not result in the biheadification of a subject. Ordinarily, part of the contract subjects sign before being enrolled in a test forbids them for being tested for at least three to six months after a trial ends to ensure that the drugs tested on them in multiple tests do not interact in strange ways. However, some test subjects are so desperate for cash that they lie on their application forms.
“Oh, yeah,” Joanihartschachi2 admitted. “We totally lied on the application form. We’ve been part of 27 different drug tests in the last three months.”
“Dude!” Joanihartschachi1 objected. “Don’t say that! It will make us look bad!”
“Aww, man, are you for real?” Joanihartschachi2 retorted. “You really think anybody is gonna buy the idea that we grew a second head because we were taking erectile dysfunction meds?”
“Well, maybe not that head,” Joanihartschachi1 allowed.
Both Joanihartschachis dissolved in juvenile giggles.
“Weeeeeellllll, we cannot be held liable if a test subject did not follow the rules,” said Ned Enfeeblishment-Raye, Vice President Assigns and Evil Designs for The Tuskegee Air Mendicants Institute, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp (“We do dubious medical stuff”). “On the other hand, this having two heads thing is kind of intriguing. Tell me more…”
“This is insane!” shouted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “We extol the value of an education, then we make it impossible for all but the richest people to afford one! It’s like we’re punishing people for being smart and wanting to succeed in life!”
“Sweetie, remember what Doctor Piromaineeac said about your blood pressure,” a voice said in the background. While it didn’t sound exactly like token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam’s common-law partner Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe, the voice was muffled and distant, so it could have been.
“I gotta go!” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam said before hanging up.
“Ooh, sounds like somebody’s getting it on!” Joanihartschachi2 commented.
“Dude!” Joanihartschachi1 complained. “We’re being recorded!”
“So?”
“So try not to be a douchenozzle!”
“You think I’m a douchenozzle?” Joanihartschachi2 was outraged. “You hog all the food! Would it kill you to let me taste stuff once in a while?”
“You feel the sugar rush just as much as I do,” Joanihartschachi1 pointed out.
“Yeah, and the food coma when you eat too much. Still, I’d like to have food pass through my mouth once in a while, you big douchenozzle!”
“Look,” Joanihartschachi1, exclaimed, exasperated. “I’m the original head, so I get to decide who ingests food and who doesn’t!”
“You….dare to pull that shit on me!” Joanihartschachi2 roared. “I would punch you in the face if I didn’t know that I would feel the pain for the next three days!”
Joanihartschachi1 is considering suing The Tuskegee Air Mendicants Institute for medical malpractice, malfeasance and malapropism. Joanihartschachi2 just wants to grab a beer. Somewhere in a corner office, Enfeeblishment-Raye is laughing his (lone) ass off.