by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
Two men, the President-elect of the United States of Vesampucceri and the Prime Minister of Canada, walk into a room in Mara-Lara-Dingdong less than a week after the former threatened 25% tariffs on all good coming from the country of the latter. That much we know. Everything else is a matter of speculation, starting with how the meeting came about.
“I got an anxious phone call from the Prime Minister in the middle of the night,” Ronald McDruhitmumpf stated. “He was so anxious, he couldn’t sleep. ‘Oh, great and wonderful President,’ he said – that’s how he talks to me – he knows how to respect his superior – ‘you hold the future of my country in your perfectly sized hands. What can I do to make this right?’ So, I told him to come on by and we’ll talk. President McDruhitmumpf believes in talking. He’s a talker.”
Prime Minister Justin Tymeerutiendoh remembered things a little differently: “Oh, you know, I was just in the neighbourhood and I thought I’d drop in and say hello. It seemed like a neighbourly thing to do…”
After the meeting, the two men described the subject of their discussion in starkly different terms. According to President-elect McDruhitmumpf: “I told Junior – that’s what I call him. Junior – I said to Junior, ‘Junior, we have a fentanyl crisis in our country. A lot of it is coming from Canada, baked into those doughnuts you people seem to like so much. This has to stop.’ And you know what he said? He said, ‘King Ronald, I didn’t realize how bad it was until you explained it to me. Of course, now that you have opened my eyes and I understand what’s happening, I’ll do anything you ask to stop it.’ Hee – King Ronald!”
Prime Minister Tymeerutiendoh had a different version of events: “I told the President-elect that tariffs were a bad idea, that they would make Vesampuccerian gas and house prices skyrocket. He responded that he had been told that – repeatedly – but he still believed that his tariffs would be paid for by Canadians and, anyway, could I please not spread it around because his followers believed that Canadians would be paying the tariffs and they were fine people on his side – hardly any sharks among them, and would I be interested in investing in a new cryptocurrency? That…went off the rails quickly. What was I supposed to do? I told him to send me the information…”
Even the atmosphere of the meeting was a matter of apparent disagreement. “At first, Junior came at me with a lot of attitude,” President-elect McDruhitmumpf recalled. “I sternly told him that I was the leader of the [FORNICATING] free world, and he better show me the respect that my office deserved. After that, we got along fine.”
“I tried to talk about policy, but the President-elect didn’t seem all that interested,” Prime Minister Tymeerutiendoh recalled different (he had obviously eaten an Apple before the meeting). “He was constantly changing the subject – to the politicians he was going to have jailed, or his golf score, or what a hottie his lawyer Alina Habbadabbadoo was – at one point, he tried to convince me that I was a species of Siberian jungle predator! I – it’s hard to know how to negotiate with somebody like that. I smiled as politely as I could and kept trying to bring the conversation back to -“
“Doesn’t anybody see how insane this is?” interrupted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Anybody at all? Ronald McDruhitmumpf isn’t President yet – he’s just a guy! And he’s making policy announcements and taking calls and visits from foreign leaders? What happened to the principle that we only have one president at a time? Two heads of state are not better than one!”
Ignoring her outburst (an occupational hazard the token smart person has reluctantly come to accept…mostly), President-elect McDruhitmumpf summed up the meeting as, “a great win for Vesampucceri. Prime Minister Junior promised to fix the problem at the border immediately. Promise made, promise slept!”
“I’m cautiously optimistic that the outcome of the meeting bodes well for our relationship with the United States,” Prime Minister Jun – Tymeerutiendoh! I meant Prime Minister Tymeerutiendoh concluded. “I told the President-In-His-Own-Mind that we couldn’t just do what he wanted – that there had to be studies and Parliamentary committees and hearings – we had a process. He seemed to understand that…”
The result of the meeting is anybody’s guess.