According to United States Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, “We are capable of fighting two conflicts. We’re capable of winning decisively in one and swiftly defeating in the case of the other, and let there be no doubt about that.” He left out “with one hand tied behind our backs,” traditional in this sort of taunt, but perhaps he’s keeping it in reserve if, at some future date, the rhetoric hits the fan.
There is no doubt that the United States has the military power to take on whoever it feels threatened by. One can’t help but wonder, though, if the rocket scientists in the White House know what they could be letting themselves in for…
“So, we’re going to war with Iraq because the evil tyrant Saddam has finally admitted to developing nuclear weapons?”
“Uhh, no, sir. We’re going to war with North Korea because they have admitted to developing nuclear weapons.”
“Isn’t North Korea developing chemical weapons?”
“No, sir. Iraq had nuclear weapons. Although United Nations inspectors have yet to find any, we suspect that the Iraqis still have them.”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait just a goldern minute. Iraq is selling weapons to Yemen, right?”
“No. That was North Korea. And, we let them.”
“We did?”
“They weren’t breaking any laws that we could determine…”
“Boy, this international weapons traffic thing sure is complicated, isn’t it?”
Actually, it’s more complicated than this, because of the war on terrorism – remember the war on terrorism? We’re fighting a war on terrorism. So, if the United States follows the Rumsfeld plan, it will actually have to fight three wars at the same time…
“Have we found any more terrorists in the caves of Pyongyang?”
“Err, no…sir.”
“Is that because we’ve finally run them all to ground?”
“Not necessarily, sir. It’s just that…well, Pyongyang is in North Korea, and we were fighting the terrorists in Afghanistan.”
“No. Afghanistan gassed its own people and invaded Kuwait.”
“No. That was Iraq.”
“No. Iraqi Mujahideen were our allies – they resisted a Russian invasion and occupation of their country.”
“No. The Mujahideen resisted a Russian invasion of Afghanistan. Saddam Hussein -“
“The evil tyrant Saddam.”
“Rrrright. The…evil tyrant Saddam was our ally in the war against Iran.”
“No. The evil tyrant Saddam signed an agreement in 1994 that he wouldn’t develop nuclear weapons, but he kept on working on them anyway.”
“No. That was North Korea.”
“Are we in the middle of a bad comedy routine?”
“I hope not, sir. Millions of lives are at stake.”
“Okay, then. Can we please make sure we’ve got this straight?”
“Absolutely, sir.”
“North Korea. We established no-fly zones in the country to stop the government from attacking its own ethnic minorities…right?”
Amusing as it is, even this scenario tends to misrepresent the complex reality of the situation. This is because the number of nations that have given Al Qaeda money, materials or other support in the past is suspected to be as high as 40. Forty! This would mean that the number of fronts the Americans would have to fight on could be as high as 43.
“As the war in Afghanistan wound down, Iraq gave refuge to fleeing Taliban fighters that it allowed to hide in its mountains.”
“Actually, sir, they fled into Pakistan.”
“Oh. But, it was the Iraqi royal family that recently gave money to an Al Qaeda front organization?”
“No, sir. It was the Saudi royal family.”
“Oh. But, Iraq did support Al Qaeda.”
“Actually, sir, Iraq was the only Arab country in the region that we can definitively say did not in any way help Al Qaeda.”
“Okay, okay, how about this? Did Al Qaeda in any way help Iraq?”
“It seems unlikely, sir.”
“Can we bomb any country that did support the evil tyrant Saddam in his devious plan to develop weapons of mass destruction?”
“That might be awkward, sir.”
“Why is that?”
“Corporations from a wide variety of countries worked on Saddam Hussein’s weapons projects. We would have to start by bombing Germany -“
“I could live with that.”
“And, then several American states, since at least half a dozen American corporations have been involved with Hussein’s weapons projects.”
“Oh.”
“So -“
“Are we talkin’…Republican states?”
You know, war isn’t really as complicated as they’re making it. Somebody should get these guys a copy of von Clausewitz for Beginners.