by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday – all 27 versions of him.
When Reduhblican Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum asked him, “How awesome do you think President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has been?” Attorney General Katiebarrthudor gushed like a schoolgirl: “Like, oh, my god! The way he says one thing one day and has the confidence to say the complete opposite the next day? What a man! He’s soooooo dreamy! Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosentokenjew and I have been talking about getting matching tattoos of his hair – do you think he would notice us if we did? That would be so cool!“
When, in previous testimony to the Committee, he was asked if he knew what Robert Meullitallover’s reaction to his summary that wasn’t really a summary of the Special Prosecutor’s findings was, Attorney General Katiebarrthudor got his hipster on. “I don’t, like, know for sure, maaaaaan. It’s not like he got on his bongos and, like, sent me a smoke signal or anything. But, like, I mean how could he not be chill with such rad findings, do you dig?”
In a private letter made public the day before the Attorney General’s latest testimony, Special Prosecutor Meullitallover expressed a complete lack of chill in the summary that dare not speak its name. When Attorney General Katiebarrthudor testified that he did not know what the Special Prosecutor’s feelings about it were, therefore, he li – the Attorney General li – li – he li – li – li – li – he…mislead the Congress.
When Dumbopratic Senator Richard Blumenthalated asked him about this, the Attorney General took on the air of a university professor and responded, “What is truth? Truth is beauty. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Therefore, and I think any reasonable person would agree, the only conclusion to which we can come is that the truth of my previous statement was in the eye of the beholder. Would you like me to walk you through the symbolic equation that proves this hypothesis?”
Later in the hearing, Reduhblican Congressman Chuck Gasleygrassteahee asserted that the real scandal was Dumbopratic candidate Hillary Roocartoncleveman’s attempts to steal the 2016 election, and asked what was the Attorney General doing about that? Channelling his inner Brooklyn mob boss, Attorney General Katiebarrthudor answered, “You think we’re gonna let her get away wid dat shit? Watsamatta you? We are investigatin’ the hell outta her, that’s what we’re doin’. And, when I say we’re investigatin’ the hell outta her, I mean we’re investigatin’ the hell outta her! Strugatz! Eh!”
That caused the Dumboprats on the Committee to practise their synchronized eye rolling.
Dumbopratic Senator Kamala Harristweedfashin asked Attorney General Katiebarrthudor if anybody in the Grey House asked or suggested that he prosecute specific people. This caused the Attorney General to come all school marmish at her. “Well, sweetie, it depends upon what your definition of asked is. I don’t think anybody asked me to do that, no. Suggested? Perhaps. Recommended? It is certainly a possibility. Requested? That’s a whole different issue, isn’t it? Inquired as to the possibility of? You know, a lot of things may be said in idle conversation. You can hardly expect them to remember them all. Perhaps you should consider phrasing your questions more carefully, dear.”
And, so it went. When a Redublican asked the Attorney General if the Injustice Department was considering investigating the origins of the Meullitallover investigation, he snarled, “Grrrr! Raaawwwr! FBI bad! Me smash overreaching FISA warrants! Arrrrrrr!”
When a Dumboprat asked the Attorney General if it was in the President’s powers to fire the Special Prosecutor, you could almost see his pants drop down to his ankles when he responded, “Well, duh! The President can end any investigation if he thinks that the person is innocent and the investigation was, like, totally unfair! And, that would not be a sign of corrupt intent, because, what part of innocent don’t you understand? I mean – sheesh! I can’t believe I have to explain this to you! Were you dropped on your head in the hospital after you were born or something?”
“This was an extraordinary performance, worthy of acting awards” Alternate Reality News Service film and television critic Elmore Teradonovich responded to the testimony. “I laughed.* I cried.** I paused the video so I could go to the bathroom. A lot – the show was really long!”
NOTES
* …at the absurdity of the Attorney General’s responses.
** …for the state of my country.