Fly Me To The…Oh, Never Mind: President Bush makes no mention of a mission to Mars in his State of the Union Address around the same time the Martian vehicle Spirit stops transmitting pictures from the Red planet. Coincidence, or…something that’s not a coincidence?
The Supremes Score Another Hit: The Supreme Court of Canada rules that hitting children for the pure joy of it is illegal, but hitting them and calling it “punishment” is okay. Police scramble to find brain-scanning machines that will allow them to tell the difference.
Sour Grapes: Don Cherry gets in trouble for…well, being Don Cherry.
“From the women’s hygiene products aisles of Shopper’s Drug Marts throughout the city, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
As is the fashion in broadcasting these days, The Irrational will, from now on, be aired with a seven second delay.
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Okay. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…
As Finance Minister, Paul Martin choked the life out of social programmes to tackle the deficit. As Prime Minister, Martin is suddenly performing CPR on them. Ian Hawdogoatsing speculates on why.
“In his Speech from the Throne, Paul Martin promised Canada’s cities enough money to turn themselves into New York, accelerated and expanded programmes to help children, disabled Canadians and Conservative Party leadership hopefuls and more green for the Greens. Can an election be far away? From Ottawa, this is Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting.”
Canadians take for granted our ability to have maple syrup with our pancakes, waffles or other morning comestibles. But, as Subaru Debutante reports, this may soon change.
“Six weeks ago, I reported that the Chretien Liberal government had secretly signed away Canada’s right to control our exports of bottled maple syrup to the United States in order to get better access to the border. As a finite natural resource, control of maple syrup exports is a highly contested issue, with anti-globalization spokespersons insisting that such a deal would mean shortages in Canada if the US demanded greater exports than we were able to produce. My report was based on confidential leaked documents, but have I been raided by the RCMP? Not on your life! Come on, people, get on the ball! Spring is coming, and my garage isn’t going to clean out itself! This is Subaru Debutante reporting from a stack of old newspapers in a corner of my garage.”
As Germaine Tims-Stimson reports, in war, the first thing to dodge a hail of bullets only to be maimed the next day by a truck full of explosives driven by a suicide bomber and return home on a disability discharge to no fanfare or appreciation…is truth.
“President George W. Bush told reporters that the real reason the United States invaded Iraq was in order to develop a strong democracy in that country. When I reminded him that, as a candidate, he derided ‘nation building,’ he took me aside and quietly said, ‘American reporters forget what I said yesterday, and you want to talk about something I said three years ago? You really aren’t very clear on this whole journalistic amnesia thing, are you?’ From a hallway on the way to being thrown out of the West Wing, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting.”
Where do nuclear materials come from? Do they fall from the sky? Do they magically appear under your pillow one morning? As Jason Petersburgovitz surprisingly reports, they come from countries that already have them.
“General Pervez Musharraf pardoned Abdul Qadeer Khan, the father of Pakistan’s atom bomb, for his part in selling nuclear designs, materials and hardware to Iran, Libya and North Korea. In a gesture of magnanimity, Khan then pardoned Musharraf for having to pardon him. Not to be outdone, Musharraf then pardoned Khan for having to pardon him for having to pardon him. Moments later, Khan pardoned Musharraf again for having to pardon him for having to pardon him for having to pardon him. This went on for several hours – at last count, the chain of pardons was up to 2,379. And people wonder how nuclear weapons proliferate. For The Irrational, this is Jason Petersburgovitz, reporting as far away from Pakistan as possible.”
What did the British Prime Minister know and when did he know it? We’ll never know, as Buffy reports.
“The Hutton Report, set up to determine that British Prime Minister Tony Blair did not lie to Parliament about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction, determined that British Prime Minister Tony Blair did not lie to Parliament about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction. Well, surprise, surprise. This would, however, make him merely a blinkered, self-serving, toadying fool. Bet the BBC executives who had to resign over the affair wished they had called him that. This is Buffy reporting from London, England for The Irrational.”
Like the gestation period of a human child, the American election period is the longest in the world. And, oddly enough, both result in screaming, blood spurting, feces and urine splashing and a birth that will take decades to assess the true value of. Eldred Cleavuntoer bravely reports.
“The frontrunner for the Democratic Presidential nomination, John Kerry, recently fried an assistant’s hand during a panca – wait a minute. Since when was John Kerry the frontrunner? I mean, wasn’t it just yesterday that the frontrunner was…that…that…oh, you know…that short guy that we portrayed as having an out of control temper because he was speaking truths we didn’t want to – oh. Okay. Right. Uhh, well, anyway, Kerry apologized and gave a generous donation to a fund to rehabilitate maimed campaign workers. From a state of induced journalistic amnesia, this is…uhh…me reporting.”
Israel. Palestine. Will it ever end? Germaine Tims-Stimson doesn’t have a clue, but he reports on an interesting development in Middle Eastern politics nonetheless.
“Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was named as the recipient of a bribe from a land developer, and could soon be charged. ‘No problem,’ said a lawyer in the Prime Minister’s office. ‘Worse comes to worst, we’ll build a wall around the Tel Aviv Magistrates court.’ Hmm. Those who don’t learn from their mistakes… Reporting from Jerusalem, this is a winded Germaine Tims-Stimson.”
It’s a federal offence, but, as George Orwell once wrote, all federal offences are created equal, but some are more equal than others. Kirk Mackerel tries to find the right balance in this report.
“A grand jury has been convened to determine whether a leak naming the wife of James Wilson as a CIA agent was a deliberate White House attack on a man who reported that the document showing Iraq intended to buy weapons grade uranium from Niger was a hoax. Outing CIA agents is illegal. However, since the grand jury was convened in secret, I have no basis for reporting this… From Washington, this isn’t Kirk Mackerel for The Irrational.”
It’s an old joke: I was watching a stripper when a football game broke out. Vivienne Tso-Wa has the details in this revealing report.
“Justin Timberlake momentarily bared Janet Jackson’s breast during the Superbowl halftime show. As a result, CBS executives stopped drooling over ad revenues from commercials featuring lesbian kisses and erection enhancing drugs long enough to express outrage over the incident. In fact, Congress is planning an investigation into the incident. The panel will be made up of people who would otherwise be investigating the intelligence failures of 9/11. Perhaps knowing the laissez faire attitude the FCC has to broadcasters, a Tennessee bank teller has filed a class action suit against CBS, MTV, their corporate parent Viacom, Jackson and Timberlake ‘on behalf of all Americans who watched.’ This is, I suppose, how Americans get redress from the courts. From all over the place, this is Vivienne Tso-Wa for The Irrational.”
You’re a busy, on-the-go executive. How can you tell if your corruption trial is going well? Monique Moosehead has one answer.
“Rosie O’Donnell, fresh from a failed magazine and a failed Broadway play, appeared at a New York courthouse to lend her support to Martha Stewart. If Stewart is wise, she’ll plead guilty now and save herself a lot of embarrassment. From New York, this is Monique Moosehead reporting.”
What price fame? If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it. Eloise Tendentious asks anyway.
“Twenty-eight year-old Drew Barrymore now has a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Not to be outdone, Cameron Diaz is trying to get a star…for her eggs. ‘I’m going to have children who will be great actors,’ Diaz explained, ‘and why should they wait to be celebrated until they’ve actually been born?’ This is Eloise Tendentious reporting from Los Angeles.”
Later in the broadcast…
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I strangle the executive who thought a seven second delay was a good idea…