“Hello, everybody. This is ‘Darin” Dan Rydell…”
“And I’m Oscar Madison…”
“I still say you need a nickname.”
“I don’t need a nickname.”
“You really need a nickname.”
“I really don’t.”
“‘Officious’ Oscar,’ maybe, or ‘Madman’ Madison.”
“Nicknames are childish.”
“Give ‘Madman’ Madison a chance. It could grow on you.”
“Right. We’re coming to you live from Bedminster, where the first leg of the LIV Tournament is about to get underway -“
“Hopefully, the rest of the body is still attached to it, Madman.”
“So objectionable on so many levels!”
“Thank you. I believe in putting the ‘colour’ back in colour commentary.”
“…Ooookay, then. Bryson DeChambeau is approaching the tee on the first hole -“
“Would that be ‘Bitchin” Bryson DeChambeau, Oscar?”
“Only in his nightmares, Dan.”
“Look at DeChambeau waving to the crowd from the tee. That’s what I love about golf – it’s a gentleman’s sport, really.”
“Are you sure he’s waving?”
“Unless I failed Human Gestures 101 in kindergarten. What else could he be doing?”
“It looks like he’s trying to shake blood off his sleeve.”
“Blood? Don’t be ridiculous! This isn’t hockey!”
“Can we get a closeup? There – you see? That’s definitely blood.”
“Are you sure it isn’t ketchup?”
“Ketchup doesn’t flow freely, Dan.”
“It does if you keep packets in the shoulder of your shirt, Oscar.”
“Why would anybody do that?”
“You never know when the urge to have French fries will hit you.”
“…The first -“
“You could be right about that being blood. But if you are, that just shows how dedicated DeChambeau is to the sport.”
“Are you sure he’s not dedicated to the hundreds of millions of dollars the Saudi Arabian sponsors of the LIV Tournament have promised in prizes?”
“A man can be dedicated to more than one thing in his life.”
“It looks like Phil Mickelson, who is -“
“Phil ‘The Chill.””
“Phil Mickelson, who is set to tee off next, also has blood dripping down the arm of his shirt.”
“It must be something going around…”
“Something going around, Dan?”
“You know. Like, a flu, or a virus.”
“A flu that makes your arm bleed?”
“I’m just spit-balling, here, Madman. I’m not a doctor.”
“Never play one on TV, Dan. Never play one on TV.”
“No worries. Golf is my life.”
“And never call me Madman again.”
“No promises. DeChambeau swings, and hits a picture perfect drive down the centre of the fairway on this par four, 497 yard hole. The ball is perfectly placed for him to negotiate the dogleg left.”
“It’s a good thing he didn’t shank the ball into the trees on either side of the fairway. Most golfers are willing to forfeit the hole rather than go into the rough after a ball.”
“Why is that, M – Oscar?”
“There’s no guarantee that they’ll come back to finish the round.”
“They probably just ran off to be nuns. Some people can’t take the pressure of an international golf tournament.”
“I’m sure that must be it.”
“DeChambeau – ‘Dancin’ DeChambeau’ has a ring to it, doesn’t it? – hits another perfect shot. He has a clear path to the green from where he now lies. I wouldn’t put it past him to get a birdie on this hole.”
“What the [BLEEP] is that‽”
“What?”
“Is the flag…the flag on the first hole. Is it being held up by…a dismembered arm?”
“The Saudis are trying to put their own imprint on the great old game, but I’m sure you must be mista – no, you’re right. That does seem to be a human arm holding up the flag on the first hole. In light of this, would it be too late to take back my joke about legs? The jest now seems to be in bad taste.”
“Now it seems to be in bad taste, Dan‽”
“We learn from experience, Oscar. That’s what makes human beings different from animals. That and electric can openers, I mean.”
“This whole LIV Tournament seems to be an effort by the government of Saudi Arabia to gain international respectability, to distract people from its brutal treatment of women, dissidents and anybody else the Saudi royal family considers enemies. Some people have called this ‘sportswashing.'”
“Well, I would hope some sportswashing would be going on!”
“I beg your pardon, Dan?”
“Shooting eighteen holes can make a man awfully sweaty, Oscar. If they don’t wash, nobody will want to be around them”
“…All of what I said, and that’s what you get out of it, Dan?”
“What can I say, Madman. It’s a gift.”
“DeChambeau sinks the putt, making par. The Bedminster part of the LIV Tournament is now officially underway. This is going to be a loooooooong weekend…”