You Know They’re Serious When: At a recent licence renewal hearing of the Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission, Star Choice Television Network Inc. was warned that if it continues to avoid its regulatory and contractual obligations, it will get another stern warning.
You Know They’re Worried When: Under pressure from religious groups, Macy’s decides to remove FCUK brand products from its shelves. It is still reconsidering what to do about SIHT, ASHSOLE and FRESEPEECH products.
You Know They’re Fcuked When: The writing was on the wall for Roy Romanow and his report on health care in Canada when he was scheduled to meet with Amelia Earhart deep in the Bermuda Triangle. Now, who could possibly have entered that into his Palm Pilot?
From the vegetable section of the Loblaws built on the site of Maple Leaf Gardens, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.
The poor are always with us, but does that mean we are always with them? As Rahul Festrunk finds…okay, yeah, I know that was a pretty lame introduction. You think it’s easy being a news anchor? It’s not just about looking good and proper enunciation, you know. I actually have to know stuff about stuff –
“British Columbia is planning to cut thousands of welfare recipients off without a dime in the coming year. This has left Alberta with a serious case of ‘poor bashing envy.’ ‘Oh, sure, we could start charging for beds in homeless shelters,’ Alberta Premier Ralph Klein pouted, ‘but we’ll never be able to live up to the example of BC.’ Ralph, you’re being too modest – haven’t you even considered bringing back the stocks? From Vancouver, this is Rahul Festrunk reporting for The Irrational.”
I didn’t grow up wanting to be a news anchor, you know. I wanted to roam the woods of the British Columbia interior, my best girlie by my side, cutting down trees. I wanted to be a…well, Monty Python beat me to it. Disappointment is endemic to childhood, as I’m certain Justice Correspondent Kirk Mackerel would attest…
“Stephen Williams, author of two books on killers Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka, has been charged by the Ontario Provincial Police with 94 counts of breaching publication bans. OPP Spokesperson Biff Bafferson said he was ‘disappointed’ to learn that this wasn’t close to the record for Long Distance Harassment of Journalists – a record held jointly by Iraq, Saudi Arabia and the LAPD – but he felt that it would qualify the Ontario team for the 2004 Police Brutality Olympics, ‘and we’ll just have to train like sons of bitches if we hope to bring home the gold.’ This is Kirk Mackerel reporting from Toronto.”
When I was growing up, astronauts were still cool. Okay, maybe we had seen one too many Flash Gordon serials, but fighting evil throughout the universe was just about the coolest thing an adult could do. Of course, Anson Bergecheck, born to another generation, would point out that the universe is actually a cold, dead place, and the most exciting thing an astronaut would ever be called upon to do, other than survive, was to bring rocks back to earth for further study. But, who is Anson Bergecheck to destroy so many childhood dreams, anyway?
“Toronto’s Mayoral race seemed destined to be mired in actual policy debates – such as the expansion of the Island airport, placing tolls on downtown roads and who does Tom Jacobek’s hair – when attack loon John Nunziata, trailing badly in the polls, claimed that a representative of one of the other candidates had threatened him with ‘tough noogies’ if he didn’t pull out of the race. The other candidates were outraged that Nunziata wouldn’t name the culprit: ‘Noogies are clearly illegal under the Municipal Elections Act,’ a representative of Barbara Hall’s campaign stated. ‘If John has proof of noogie threatening, tough or otherwise, he should go to the police with it.’ A representative of John Tory added: ‘Indiscriminate slurring of the good names of other people – is this a mayoral campaign or kindergarten recess?’ Like there has ever been a difference? For The Irrational, this is Anson Bergecheck reporting.”
I mean, who am I kidding? Journalists stand around watching while other people make history. And, news anchors? We sit around while journalists stand around watching other people make the news. We’re twice removed from what’s really going on. Who would grow up aspiring to that? Not, Eldred Cleavuntoer I’m sure.
“To try to get away from what the White House perceived as a hostile national press, President Bush started giving local newspapers and television news shows interviews. However, because they were not beholden to the White House, the President found that he faced more pointed questions than he had from the Washington press corps. To counter this, he has started a Web log. If he receives a hostile reception on his own Web page, President Bush is rumoured to be planning on going door to door to get support for his administration and, if that fails, he intends to conduct a Vulcan mind meld with all 300 million plus citizens of the United States. From Washington, this is Eldred Cleavuntoer for The Irrational.”
…No, I’m not having a midlife crisis – I always wonder about these things. Yes, I was a sensitive child growing up – as I’m sure transportation and human sacrifices reporter Pallas Athena was. Perhaps that’s what eventually drove me into the news business: the need to tell human stories. But –
“Bishop Wilton Gregory, the President of US Roman Catholic Bishops, stated that an upcoming study of the sexual abuse of children by clergy in America would likely produce ‘startling’ numbers, but that they couldn’t be put into perspective until studies had been conducted in other areas such as school, sports or the medical community. This is known as ‘Il Bombo Communali,’ or the ‘Everybody Does It, So Why You Picking on the Church?’ Defense. And, I thought Priests were supposed to be taught humility. From Boston, this is Pallas Athena.”
But, it seems to me that we’re moving away from telling human stories. We report on wars without showing any of the blood and suffering, we report on the least little pronouncements of politicians without showing how their policies affect ordinary people, we report on corporate numbers without stopping to wonder if people actually need the shit that the companies prod – what? Bleep it out if you’re so [BLEEP]ing sensitive. Maybe the following report by Subaru Debutante will be different…
“Malaysian Prime Minister was applauded by the Arab world but condemned by everybody else when he remarked that ‘the Europeans killed 6 million Jews out of 12 million. But today the Jews rule this world by proxy: They get others to fight and die for them.’ Not to be outdone, American Lieutenant General William Boykin has referred to Allah as a ‘false idol.’ This would qualify as a clash of civilizations…if anybody involved was actually civilized. From somewhere between Washington and Riyadh, this is Subaru Debutante reporting for The Irrational.”
I didn’t think so. Anyway…yeah, alright. Back to the news. Can those who dish take? Jason Petersburgovitz finds out that potatoes aren’t the only things with thin skins.
“Conservative columnist Ann Coulter thinks Liberals in the media should be ashamed of themselves for attacking Rush Limbaugh when he is vulnerable after admitting to long-term drug abuse. ‘Those vile, revolting, putrid, depraved, wretched, vicious, disgusting, nasty, abominable, detestable, sickeningly inhumane excuses for dog [EXCREMENT] should learn to have a little [FORNICATING] compassion!’ Coulter commented. I would suggest that she take a valium and calm down, but that would probably just set her off on another tirade, and lessons on compassion from the right-wing press are as credible as Osama bin Laden claiming that he wants US citizenship because he wants to taste American freedom. This is Jason Petersburgovitz reporting from New York.”
In a report on Canadian universities which ran last week on The Irrational, we claimed that one of the most popular graduate programmes at Waterloo University was Ferret Strangling and Stoat Sufferage. Unfortunately, the University of Waterloo does not have such a program. We also claimed that “Hegemonic Counterdiscourse in the Age of Microwaveable Popcorn” got the highest rating for an undergraduate course at York University. Again, there was no such course. In fact, of the 57 programmes at the 24 schools which were considered in our survey, the only one that is actually offered is McGill University’s Graduate Programme in Advanced Defensive Artichoke Theory. Damn students, anyway.
Later in the programme, a panel of experts debates how long it will take for David Orchard to become a Trivial Pursuit answer…