“Max?”
“Davis? How you doing, buddy?”
“I’ve been feeling a little run down, lately. I think stress is screwing up my sleep pa –”
“Hey – hey! I was just being polite. Jeezus, Davis, if I listened to every client’s little problems, when would I find the time to get you guys work?”
“As a matter of fact –”
“Yeah, yeah, what can I do for you?”
“I want a piece of Katrina.”
“Your personal life is none of my concern.”
“Katrina – the hurricane.”
“Right. Okay. Sorry – I’ve been out of town. Did you have anything specific in mind?”
“I thought maybe I could go into New Orleans in a rented speedboat – you know, see if I can rescue people who have been left homeless because of the hurricane.”
“I can’t let you do that.”
“I’m touched by your concern, Max, but I –”
“Sean Penn is already all over it.”
“Sean Penn?”
“Speedboat. Rescuing survivors. Penn beat you to it.”
“Bastard! … Still, New Orleans is a big place – don’t you think I could –”
“Aah, not until you win an Oscar.”
“But –”
“You got an Oscar, you’re a big man helping out the little people. Human interest up the wazoo. Without an Oscar, you’re just a schmuck trying to kickstart a stalled career.”
“I…I wouldn’t have put it quite like that…”
“It’s a brutal business, baby. Brutal.”
“Still, there must be something I can do. Maybe – how about I go down to the Superdome and give out food and water?”
“You don’t wanna go down there, man.”
“I don’t?”
“Cops don’t wanna go down there, man.”
“I’m sure reports of the horrors in the Superdome are greatly exaggerated.”
“Of course. But, we won’t find that out for another six months. All you need to know is that now the situation in the Superdome looks worse than Dawn of the Dead.”
“I liked that flick.”
“Me, too, but I wouldn’t want to live in the middle of it. Besides, where would you get the food and water you’re thinking of distributing?”
“The government?”
“Good luck. The government couldn’t find New Orleans on a map even if it was a map of New Orleans. Besides, they don’t have food and water to send to New Orleans because they’re sending all the food and water they got to Iraq.”
“Iraq? Maybe –”
“Don’t go there, babe. In any sense of the phrase.”
“How about a marathon?”
“You ever run a marathon in galoshes? Cause, I gotta tell ya, the streets are beyond wet. Besides, aren’t you thinking of a telethon?”
“Uhh, yeah. Sure. Telethon. What about it?”
“Line forms in the rear, babe. Everybody and their dog is doing a telethon – literally. You know Tinkerbell?”
“Paris Hilton’s dog? I – I’ve met it socially, but I can’t say that we’ve developed a close –”
“Course not. Here’s the thing – Tinkerbell is the headliner of an all animal telethon for victims of Hurricane Katrina. A special highlights package is gonna be on NBC.”
“Man, they must be desperate.”
“Hey! I helped put the package together.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Don’t mention it. Seriously – not my proudest moment. Okay, if there’s nothing else, I’ve put 12 people on hold since – 13 people on hold since we started talking.”
“Are you putting together a proposal for a movie based on the Katrina disaster?”
“Is Walt Disney’s head cryogenically frozen at an undisclosed location?”
“Oh, ah, I don’t – I mean, there’s some controversy over –”
“Of course I am! 15 people on hold and counting.”
“Can you get me a part in it?”
“Sure, babe. How about New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin?”
“Is it a big part?”
“He dies in the first 30 seconds.”
“That didn’t really – he didn’t – did he?”
“Dramatic licence, babe, dramatic licence. We see this as being an epic survival story – The Poseidon Adventure meets The Big Easy. The thing about The Poseidon Adventure is a lot of people die – and not the ones you’d expect.”
“Oh. Well, you got any bigger parts available?”
“Johnny Depp is probably gonna take a pass on Michael Brown, so –”
“Do you have any roles that are…you know…heroes?”
“There are no heroes in this story, babe. No heroes at all.”