by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer
Nexi are tricky things. You think you’re driving down one road, then, before you even know it, you’re waterskiing down a canal. Consider, for example, the nexus between big pharma and the fleas in the couch in your basement. Whoa. Bet you didn’t see that spray of water coming towards your face!
Fortunately, the nexus between politics and religion is straightforward: the fleas exist only in the minds of believers.
Consider a recent sermon by Pastor John Patrick Kilarabeatpeach. After the expected rant about how cellphones were the cause of increasing teen pregnancy and how everybody in the audience was a sinner who was going directly to hell, not passing Go, not collecting $200 (unless they vowed to immediately pass their Go money on to the John Patrick Kilarabeatpeach Ministries, which would, at least, show Gord that they meant well), he entered the nexus.
“Witches are casting spells to interfere with the President’s political agenda,” he told a rapt (a necessary part of being raptured) audience. “Now, I’m not being political – notice I didn’t call President McDruhitmumpf by name or mention that most witches in Vesampucceri are card carrying Dumboprats – but you have to admire the way the President perseveres in the face of evil spellcasters. It takes a strongman to lead a country in times of advanced demonic activity!”
Pastor Kilarabeatpeach went on to say that there was going to be a shift in which the Deep Dish State was going to manifest, leading to “a showdown like you couldn’t possibly believe. Gord told me on that special red phone that He only shares with me that they are going to try and take the President out. And, let me tell you, Gord wasn’t talking about a fancy dinner and an evening of musical theatre! Nooooooooo!”
“Iay annotcay elievebay athtay erethay isay osay uchmay onemay otay ebay ademay touay ofay okingstay oliticalpay earsfay!” Pastor Kilarabeatpeach drove the point home by speaking in tongues. “Ifay Iay adhay onwknay owhay ucrativelay isthay ingthay asway, Iay ouldway avehay jectedinay oliticspay toinay ymay ermonsay earsyay goaay!”
“Have you ever wondered why President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s base will not abandon him no matter how much his policies hurt them?” asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “I do. Every day. Sometimes every hour. I…I have to fill my time with distractions to keep the question at bay and – oh, what a cute kitten in a tutu!”
The token smart person’s answer to the question is the nexus between politics and religion. You say: “If the Reduhblicans are successful at repealing the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act, you could go bankrupt the next time you have a hangnail!” The religious part of President McDruhitmumpf’s base hears: “I am an agent of Satan who wants to destroy all that makes Vesampucceri great!”
You say: “The Reduhblican tax breaks were a gift to the wealthy and corporations; most people’s taxes will either remain the same or go up.” The religious part of President McDruhitmumpf’s base hears: “Can I borrow a pint of your blood? What? No, I don’t need it for a Satanic ri – a Satanic – ha ha ha. Of course I need your blood for a Satanic ritual! Now, hold still – this will only hurt for the rest of eternity!”
You say: “The President’s claims of a crisis on the southern border – which isn’t happening – are a blatant appeal to racism.” The religious part of President McDruhitmumpf’s base hears: “I’m being accused of racism. I’m not a racist – I just hate people who are a different colour!” But, uhh, that has a subtext of: “I have a tongue so long I could use it to tie you securely to a chair and still have enough left to lick your ear with. All hail Satan, bringer of disgustingly mutated body parts!”
How do you argue politics with people caught in this nexus? “You don’t,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam advised.
Oh. That was easy enough. Well, then, umm…why would religious people, people of Gord, ally themselves with a secular centre of power?
“Have you seen Pastor Kilarabeatpeach’s watch?” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam asked. Umm…no? “It’s a $3,000 Rollodex that tells you the hour in 24 time zones and 36 alternate realities. You think Jesus needed a $3,000 watch to know what time it was?”
So, umm…was that a metaphor for…something?
“Aargh – it’s the tax breaks, stupid!” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam blurted. “The nexus between politics and religion is driven by the nexus between the personal belief of followers and the personal greed of preachers!”
Oh. Nexi really are tricky things, aren’t they?