According to a recent story in the Columbia Journalism Review, television network news may soon be obsolete. Local stations are now finding it financially and technically feasible to band together in small numbers to cover stories of national importance using local journalists. Using the latest satellite technology, the reports can be transmitted to the local stations that belong to the group.
It may be premature, however, to listen for the death rattle of network news. To consider why, let’s interrupt your regularly scheduled programme to go to this live special report from the United Nations, where reporters Tod Seinfeld, on loan from WNDI’s Eyewitless News, and Winnie Peeweehawkin, on loan from WBBQ’s Eyewitless News, are standing by. Hello, Tod? Winnie?
“Thank you. This is Tod Seinfeld…”
“And Minnie Peeweehawkin…”
“We’re standing in front of the United nations building in New York, where we understand a serious announcement is about to be made…”
“That’s right, Tod. So, let’s go straight to the floor of the General Assembly. Cut away from their pretty, smiling faces to the General Assembly floor, which is mostly empty. The few stragglers who remain accentuate the vast room’s lack of activity. “There doesn’t seem to be much happening at the moment, Winnie,” Tod’s voice admits. “But, our information is that something really big is about to take place…”
“Do you think it could be another resolution on Zionism, Tod?”
“I don’t think so, Winnie. It seems to me that the UN has pretty much outgrown that sort of stuff…” Cut back to Winnie and Tod. “Hey, we’re back!”
“So we are, Tod.”
“Yes, we are, Winnie. The…umm…the weather in New York was just fabulous today. A cool 71, with wet breezes coming in off the lake…”
“That’s right, Tod. There was a cold pressure front earlier in the week, but that seems to have moved west. The warmer weather brings with it the chance of rain, of course, but that probably won’t arrive until long after we’ve left.”
“Why…that’s right, Winnie. How – well, since nothing seems to be happening at the moment, we’re going to break for a commercial.”
“Good id -” Cut to a middle aged man in overalls standing in a warehouse full of crates and buckets. “Hi! He shouts, waving his hands wildly. “I’m Willard of Willard’s Wholesale Warehouse O’ Worms! You know, people are always coming up to me and asking, “Willard, how can you let these worms go at such incredibly low prices!” Well, have you ever tried keeping a hold of them suckers? It ain’t easy!”
Willard guffaws heartily.
“But, seriously, we don’t have all kinds of bait and tackle – we specialize! That’s how we can pass our savings on to you!” Cut to Willard pointing into a bucket. “And, all this week: eat one bucket of worms, get the second bucket free!” Cut to Willard staning in front of the warehouse. “Willard’s Wholesale Warehouse O’ Worms, at the corner of Ticonderoga and Highway 17! Remember: eight different kinds of worms at the lowest prices anywhere ’cause we want your business, no de-bait!” Willard flails one last time as we return to Tod and Winnie, who have been joined by a third person.
“..amazing,” Winnie tells Tod, “because I’m an atmospheric prognostication technician on my newscast, too!””
Tod turns to the camera (Winnie following a moment later). “We’re back. We’ve been joined by Walton Dalton, who is Third Deputy Assistant Secretary to the Undersecretary of the Second Assistant Secretary of the Junior Senator from the state of -“
“Excuse me, Tod,” Winnie interrupts, “but, isn’t Walton Dalton the Second Deputy Assistant Secretary to the Undersecretary of the Third Assistant Secretary of the Junior Senator?”
“Actually,” the man corrects both of them, “I’m Walton Halton, the Undersecretary of the Second Deputy Assistant Secretary to the Third Assistant Secretary of the Junior Senator. The Third Deputy Assistant Secretary to the Undersecretary of the Second Assistant Secretary of the Junior Senator is a fellow by the name of Jameson Smith. The Second Deputy Assistant Secretary to the Undersecretary of -“
“Well, I’m certainly glad we got that straight, Tod.”
“Me, too, Winnie. Now, Walton, what did you think of the Panther game on Sunday?”
“I thought it was pretty good, Tod. Defense was a bit weak, though.”
“The defense definitely needed help, Walton. No question about it.”
“Walton, how do you feel this situation at the United Nations will affect the good folks back home?”
“What situation is that, Winnie?”
“Whatever situation we’re here to cover.”
“Well, of course, Winnie, the UN is far removed from the day to day life of smalltown America…”
“So, you don’t think this will have much affect on people…no matter what it turns out to be?”
“Tod, that is basically correct.”
“Then, tell me, Walton, if you were the coach of the Panthers, what would you do? Do you think it’s time to talk trade?”
“Well, Tod, I -“
Winnie lets them talk about sports and addresses the camera. “Something big is happening here at the United Nations, that much is clear. But, just what it is I cannot, at this time, say for certain. We’ll continue watching the story as it develops. In the meantime, this is Minnie Peeweehawkin, live from the United Nations, returning you to your regularly scheduled programme…”