by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Social Media Writer
It’s sad when a love affair turns sour. You look at old love letters and wonder who the person who wrote them really was (for instance, did they really like The Wedding Singer as much as you did, or were they just saying that to get into your checking account?). You don’t want to go to restaurants, bars, or pachinko parlours the two of you used to love (maskless and in a crowd because neither of you was going to give in to the COVID hoax, Gord dammit!). You have to return the China. And, you really loved the China.
It’s worse when your lover is millions of radicalized right-wing loonie tunes.
“I brought zip ties to the Vesampuccerian jewellery party!” #hogtied&twisted27 wrote on TheRonald.win, a right-wing extremist web site. “I had spent months sharpening my guillotine blade, but Bob was given guillotine duty. Bob doesn’t stain the wood of his guillotine every summer like I do, and he has really terrible penmanship, but they let him bring his guillotine instead of me. Okay. I get it. Two guillotines would have divided people’s attention. And, zip ties would have been necessary to keep the Congressional traitors who stole the election for Joe Bidenhisbeeswax from pulling our beards, if we had managed to catch any of them. I had a purpose is what I am saying, okay? And, President McDruhitmumpf patted us on the head and sent us home? I came to Washburningdington for a revolution, not a photo op!”
“I like Vice President Pendenatendance,” #neverenuffwinning27 wrote on 4charliechan. “”Like me, he is a Gord-fearing Christian man. But, I would have happily strung him up for treason for accepting the stolen Electoral College votes. After a fair trial in which his guilt was made manifest, of course. This is not Fenwick! But, what? President McDruhitmumpf tells us that he has accepted that he isn’t going to be President on January 20th? What kind of delusional bullshit is that? That’s not the way the bedtime story he has been telling us all these months ends! That’s not…that’s not – * SOB *!”
They were referring to a video President McDruhitmumpf released in which he said what they claimed he said. Privately, the President has admitted that the video was a mistake, according to three sources within the Grey House and a crystal ball technician named Madame Nonihijinksy.
“The problem with stirring deep passions in people is that they quickly get beyond your control,” stated Alternate Reality News Service advice columnist Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour. “You may start with a simple plan to burn your house down for the insurance and end up incinerating 12 city blocks.”
So, President McDruhitmumpf shouldn’t have played with fire?
“Why do you have to bring a carefully wrought metaphor down to such a gauche level?” Al-Falloudjianapour answered.
The President’s allies in Washburningdington poured fuel onto the…made matters worse by trying to downplay or misrepresent events.
Representative Matt Matt Targaetzinnocents, for example, claimed that the insurrectionists were orchestrated by antifa activists. Forget, if you can, the irrationality of the argument (asserting antifascists were leading fascists is like stating that vegans prepared the barbecued spare ribs for the feast, or that the arsonists arrived to put out the fire that they had sta – uhh, maybe not that last example. But, you get the idea). The important things is that people on TheRonald.win quickly and vehemently defended their role in the uprising.
“Ferking antifa, always taking credit for other people’s work!” complained #theadjudycator. “If they want credit for starting their own revolution, they should start their own…hey, I thought we were fighting against the antifa revolution – whatever happened to that?”
“Oh, for ferk’s sake! I didn’t haul my ass all the way from Waikiki, Tennesconsin and stand in the cold for hours waving a Confederate flag – that sucker is a lot heavier after three hours than it first feels – then use the pole to break a window on the Capitol Building just so somebody else could get the credit! This is Vesampucceri! I earned the right to call myself an insurrectionist, and no left-leaning bibtard is gonna take that away from me!”
How serious is the rift between President McDruhitmumpf and his base. “It’s too early to tell,” Al-Falloudjianapour said. “Sometimes, rifts like this can be mended with a simple apology and box of chocolate-covered pipe bombs. Sometimes, the damage is greater, requiring a more thoughtful attempt at bridge rebuilding: an open and honest discussion of the problem, say, or a Presidential Medal of Freedom. It depends upon how deeply the President has hurt the mob’s feelings…”
Th-th-th-th-that’s not all, folks.