SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Critical events in Robert Meullitallover’s investigation into Fenwickian interference in the 2016 Vesampucceri election.
MAY 9, 2017
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf fires Federal Bureau of Instigations Director James Comeonecomally. Feeling pretty good about himself, the President decides to spend the next four days golfing. There is no record of what Comeonecomally did during that time period.
MAY 17, 2017
To allay suspicions that Comeonecomally was fired because the FBI had opened an investigation into whether the President or any of his staff conspired with the government of Fenwick to steal the 2016 election, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosentokenjew appoints Robert Meullitallover as Special Prosecutor to investigate whether the President or any of his staff conspired with the government of Fenwick to steal the 2016 election. (Attorney General Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic had recused himself for being “too folksy to have anything to do with any investigation of Fenwick.”)
MAY 17, 2017 to MARCH 23, 2019
When he is informed of the decision to appoint a Special Prosecutor, President McDruhitmumpf embarks on the longest freakout in Vesampuccerian history (22 months). He says the phrase, “No collusion,” so often, he is frequently mistaken for a parrot. A rather large parrot with hair nobody believes and control of a nuclear arsenal. Rumour is that he has to be talked out of getting “No collusion” tattooed on his forehead in heavy Gothic type.
Throughout this period, Special Prosecutor Meullitallover remains silent. Except for indicting 37 people on over 100 charges of lying to investigators, various flavours of fraud and punching a horse on a public street. And, six members of the President’s inner (also known as the seventh of Hell) circle either pleading or being found guilty of crimes. And, 16 other investigations into McDruhitmumpf wrongdoing being fed by the Meullitallover probe.
Other than that, though, bupkiss.
MARCH 23, 2019
Special Prosecutor Meullitallover is about to release his final report! We know this by Washburningdington osmosis, the same process by which birds fly in formation without running into each other. And, end up at the North Pole.
Pundits are divided on what the report will contain. “Enough evidence of criminality to put the President away for life!” suggests columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe.
“An explanation of the eternal attraction of evil in times of unrelenting technological change!” suggests political theorist Noam Chomskyeinthuay
“The recipe for the perfect egg salad!” suggests British political comedian John Olivettiver. British comedians – sheesh!
MARCH 24, 2019
The Meullitallover report is coming.
MARCH 25, 2019
The Meullitallover report is still coming.
MARCH 26, 2019
No, seriously, Meullitallover will make a report of his findings any day, now.
MARCH 27, 2019
Any day, now.
MARCH 28, 2019
Any day.
MARCH 29, 2019
Just as everybody is beginning to lose faith in the power of Washburningdington osmosis, Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover releases his report! To Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor. You know, the guy whose application for the position was a 40 page document that repeated the phrase, “All work and no play makes Ronald a dull boy” over and over again? Oh, yeah. That guy.
Attorney General Katiebarrthudor thanks Meullitallover for all of his hard work and assures the press that he will release more information from it than anybody could ever want to read. When the time is right…
MARCH 30, 2019
Pundits continue to be divided on what the report will contain. “Enough evidence of criminality to put the President away for…a long time?” suggests columnist Robinsoncrusoe.
“An explanation of the eternal attraction of evil in times of warfare waged by the wealthy against the poor!” suggests political theorists Chomskyeinthuay
“The recipe for the perfect egg salad! That one never grows old!” suggests British political comedian Olivettiver. British comedians – okay, they’re growing on me…
APRIL 1, 2019
Attorney General Katiebarrthudor releases his take on the Meullitallover report. It consists of the following: “There’s nothing to see here, people. Please move along. But don’t take my word for it: ‘Illegal…Activity was absolutely…not…truly,” Meullitallover wrote in his report. “I…recommend…Not…thing.’ You heard it from the Special Prosecutor himself. Time for everybody to move on!”
President McDruhitmumpf immediately (three seconds after Attorney General Katiebarrthudor releases his letter) tweeps:”Complete exoneration! Meullitallover agrees: no collusion! What a great guy the vastard turned out to be! Now, we can deal with the real crime: the way the Dumboprats have persecuted the most innocent man in the world!” Either he’s a really fast typist, or…the President has secret time traveling technology that allowed him to see the report while it was written and bring that knowledge back to the present, or…some undoubtedly equally plausible thing.
Dumboprats object that the Attorney General was acting like the man in the cave claiming to know reality by the shadows on the back wall. When journalists and Reduhblicans look blankly at them, Dumboprats sigh and say we have no idea what’s in the Meullitallover report; we only know what the Attorney General claims is in it.
“You try to raise the level of discussion,” Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer shakes his head.
Claiming that the only way to know what is in the Meullitallover report would be to, you know, actually read it, Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer introduces a bill demanding that the Attorney General make the complete Meullitallover report available to Congress. Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich turtles the bill down.
“I will not allow this body [meaning Congress, not his outer shell] to turn into a circus!” Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich explains. “Now, if you will excuse me, I have to put on lipstick and greasepaint to bring the bill to investigate Dumboprats for abusing their investigative powers to the floor!”