by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Many people (well, pundits, but they’re almost like people) believe that incoming President Ronald McDruhitmumpf plays three dimensional chess when, in fact, he plays Battleship. Badly. And has tantrums when he gets beaten by 11 year-olds. This could explain why he seems to hate the military.
A case in point (I know it’s rude, but good journalism takes no prisoners) is McDruhitmumpf’s pick for Attorney General: Matt Targaetzinnocents. The man who resigned from his seat in the House of Unrpresentatives three minutes and 17 seconds before an Ethics Committee report into allegations he used…substances for recreation and had sexual relationships with a goal other than procreating was to be released.
Targaetzinnocents may be the seventh least qualified adult in Vesampucceri to be Attorney General. And the 37th least qualified person of any age.
Many people (well, pundits, but many are so lifelike you can sometimes forget what they really are) have argued that former/future President McDruhitmumpf knows that Targaetzinnocents will be highly unlikely to be approved by the Sennett for the position. That being the (battered, with a handle falling off) case, why suggest him for the position? Because, they say, when Targaetzinnocents’ nomination crashes and burns, the incoming president’s second choice will look better by comparison, even if he is still among the bottom fifty least qualified adults for the position.
That’s way too much strategery for somebody who can barely open a cereal box (and then tries to eat breakfast through his ear).
When Targaetzinnocents name was first floated (like a fart in a gentle summer’s breeze) for AG, the number of Reduhblicans in the Sennett who were rumoured to be willing to vote for him was approximately…zero. Give or take. He would have been the first cabinet nominee to have a perfect score, the kind that got you sent to the guidance councillor’s office to have a discussion about your career options.
And many Sennetters were not shy about expressing opinions about him. “I will never, ever even for a nanosecond consider the possibility of entertaining the idea of maybe thinking about voting to confirm Matt Targaetzinnocents to the position of Attorney General,” said Senneter MarkWayneBillyBob McMullanandwyffe. He added that the only way he would vote for Targaetzinnocents would be if somebody slipped something into his boba tea that paralyzed his vocal chords, used an AI to mimic his voice saying, “Yes. I vote yes on the nomination!” and somehow projected that onto the Sennett floor.
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). Before he could add, “Bastard AI!”, I told him that this wasn’t that kind of an article. “Oh, thank the Gord,” Tessari L’Allie said. “I’m running late on my ChristmaKwaanzUkah shopping, and I really can’t afford the time for a pithy quote!”
It was only the end of October, but I understood what he meant.
Imagine everybody’s surprise when, two days later, Senetter McMullanandwyffe said, “Yeah, if the vote were held today, I would probably confirm – *GULP* – Matt Targaetzinnocents for the position of Attorney General. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to continue researching the least painful methods of committing hara-kiri.”
Well, not everybody’s surprise. “I had a nice talk with MarkWayne…BillyBobby – uhh – TimmyJimmyJam – you know what? I’m just gonna call him…Bob. Stubborn Bob,” said incoming President McDruhitmumpf. “I explained to him that Matt was highly qualified to be Attorney General, possibly – probably – definitely the most qualified person to be Attorney General in the history of Vesampucceri. In fact, if he had been any more qualified, he would have run for President! The bastard!”
Frowning at the thought, McDruhitmumpf added: “Not that he would have gotten the nomination. I was the most qualified person to ever run for the office of president. If I had been any more qualified, I would have been a god! Hee hee.”
McMullanandwyffe may not be the only Reduhblican Senetter seriously considering holding his nose and voting for the floated idea. In fact, reporters who initially wrote that the Targaetzinnocents nomination was doomed to fail are now begging their primary care givers for huge bottles of Valium.
“I swear, it’s not worth getting out of bed in the afternoon to face the world any more,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam from her bedroom. “Could somebody please pass the huge bottle of Valium?”