by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer
Reginald Balshazar has led a blameless life. He was –
“Weelllll, I wouldn’t exactly say blameless” Balshazar pointed out. “There was that incident with the alpha emu that got me banned for life from The Sceptred I’ll. That was a bummer – there isn’t another pub in my neighbourhood for almost half a block!”
Ooookay. Reginald Balshazar has led a mostly blameless life. He –
“That maaaaay be a bit of a stretch, given how I claimed my pet gerbil Constantine as a dependent on my tax returns for – harrumphity humph – years,” Balshazar asserted. “To be fair, the little…beauty had somehow managed to get NetFlax on the TV in his cage, which cost me a fortune!”
Right, then. Reginald Blashazar has led a somewhat blameless life.
He –
“What about the time I publicly embarrassed Ryan Reynolds by showing up for an Oscars party six weeks early?” Balshazar interrupted (and quite rudely, at that!). “I suspect that would be somewhere on the old blame scales.”
Okay, forget blame. The point is, Reginald Balshazar was expecting to get an eternal reward when he passed away. He was not expecting to get a one way ticket to Satan’s soiree.
“To what?”
Hell! You went to He – okay, that’s enough of you! Moving on.
When asked why Balshazar had earned eternal damnation, the Archangel Gabriel, current spokesdeity for Heaven, replied, “He got a one and a half star rating on Uberet. Comments on his performance as a passenger range from, ‘I couldn’t get the smell of formaldehyde out of the seats for days!’ to ‘My brain will never be able to unhear that!'”
“Those people would say things like that!” Balshzar muttered. Brightening a little, he went on: “Hey, I don’t have to be coy about who those people are any more, do I? Racism is in! I’m talking about drivers from Ind -“
Oh, yeah. Definitely done with him.
So, is the fate of every human being’s soul determined by their Uberet rating?
“That would be ridiculous,” the Archangel Gabriel stated. “It’s not just Uberet. The determination of their fate could include their rating on Godreads, or Instakilogram, or their Farcebook likes and dislikes. Judging the value of souls is a complicated process, as it should be.”
What about people who are not on the internet – do they end up in limbo? According to the Archangel Gabriel, their case goes to Bob. Bob?
“The angel of bureaucratic make-work,” the Archangel Gabriel explained. “It keeps Bob from getting underfoot so the rest of the angels can get on with what really needs to be done.”
I shook my head hoping it would cause the cobwebs to fly out of my ears. (Fortunately, I had a box of swabs on hand when they did, and I had to use every last on!) I asked the question philosophers had asked for thousands of years (usually in a more sombre context): why?
“The Good Gord had decided in His infinite wisdom that he needed a vacation,” the Archangel Gabriel told me, his voice dripping with, “I’m not really buying this, but he’s Gord, so what’re ya gonna do?” “He had looked into billions of souls over thousands of years, and he was feeling dirty. Very dirty. So, He decided to go away to cleanse and let human beings judge each other for a bit.”
When asked if a specific person had been the final straw, the Archangel Gabriel shook his head and said that it wasn’t a mass murderer or anybody like that. The problem was the accumulation of eons of avarice, gluttony, wrath and pride. “Especially pride. You all act like you created a universe or something. Would it kill you to get a little perspective?”
I wondered where Gord would vacation? Would He tour a distant nebula, or possibly contemplate the diamond at the heart of a star? “Naah,” the Archangel Gabriel informed me, “the Good Gord is fishing on Lake Ontario.”
Fishing on Lake Ontario? “I know what you’re thinking,” the Archangel Gabriel sheepishly stated. “It’s out of season and He hasn’t been issued a license. Out of season and no license? He is the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth! It is always fishing season for Him! And, He can create a license at the merest whim! Besides, he’s a strictly catch-and-release kind of deity, so it’s all good.”
“If I had known I was going to be judged for it, I would have been nicer to my Uberet drivers,” Balshazar commented. After a moment’s reflection, he went on: “Aww, who am I kidding‽ Those [RACIALLY INSENSITIVE TERM] bastards deserved the abuse!”