by MARCELLA CARBORUNDUREM-McVORTVORT, Alternate Reality News Service Food and Drink Writer
It was a typical holiday dinner for Rochester Carioca and his family. Gramma complained that the twins, Philomena and Agamemnon, had stolen her dentures to replace a missing piece so that they could finish their game of Mousetrap. Rochester’s wife, Libretta, left the turkey in the oven long enough to force a redefinition – with highly negative connotations – of the term “crispy,” forcing him to buy a family-sized turducken at the last moment. Uncle Fester had to be bailed out of jail…again.
Yes, it was a typical holiday dinner for the Carioca clan. Then, Rochester’s nose exploded.
“I wadn’t eggpegding dat!” Carioca exclaimed.
This is the 23rd known case of spontaneous nasal combustion this holiday season. Authorities believe that there are more, perhaps many more, but fear of looking like Ralph Fiennes playing Voldemort in Harry Potter movies has kept more partygoers from seeking medical attention. The one thing that all of the…newly nasally challenged people had in common was that they were eating store bought, microwaveable turducken.
In light of this correlation, Monsanto immediately recalled all of the company’s turkeyceuticals, a recall which could affect as many as three million turkeys genetically engineered to contain pharmaceuticals.
“It took 17 years for the FDA to approve our turkeyceutical line of products,” Monsanto Vice President in Charge of Setting the Record Straight Myra Breckinbridge stated. “Not only have they been proven to safely deliver health enhancing drugs, but the arsenicy aftertaste has almost completely been eliminated.”
“It really is turkey just like mom used to make,” Breckinbridge added, quoting Monsanto’s marketing campaign.
“Oh sure,” Carioca responded, “if bomb was a chebist, a boultry farber and a bioengineer awb robbed into one! I don’t fink this is what febinists had in bind when dey said women could hab it all!”
Carioca did allow that Monsanto had gotten the arsenicy aftertaste of his mom’s turkey right.
Breckinbridge stated that the problem seemed to be in the way the drugs in its turkeyceuticals combined with the drugs in Creative Bioimagineering’s pharmaceutical duck and NextChemGen’s pharmaceutical chicken. The turkeyceutical contained cancer medicine in the white meat and acne medicine in the dark meat; the chicken contained blood thinners in its breasts, a drug that moderated the insulin level in diabetics in its thighs and aspirin and vitamins in its legs and wings, and; the duck contained 27 separate drugs in various parts of its skin, meat and bone marrow.
This made for a dangerous, albeit tasty, chemical soup that authorities now believe was responsible for the blazing proboscises.
“We can’t test for every possible combination of drugs a diner might ingest,” said Creative Bioimagineering’s Vice President in Charge of Kicking Ass and Taking Names MaryEllen Quantico. “It would take several generations to get any drugs approved! Besides, we’re working on a nasal explosion inhibiting pork chop that would solve the problem!”
NextChemGen (a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp) had no comment as it is currently looking for a Vice President in Charge of Fatuous Public Statements. If you think you have what it takes to fill this position, FIND OUT WHO TO CONTACT ON YOUR OWN – this is a news article, dammit, not a recruitment ad!
“Turkeyceuticals are exactly like chicken soup, only they relieve the symptoms of terminal cancer instead of the common cold,” Monsanto CEO Carmine Carbinara commented. If he had left it at that, there would have been no controversy, but something inside the man impelled him to go on to say: “Why should Jews get all the glory for scientifically implausible but seemingly effective folk remedies?”
It would appear that the common wisdom is true: when a CEO speaks, an angel has to divest his holdings.
At this point, there should have been a comment from a representative of the environmental movement deploring the desecration of our food chain for profit. They kind of disqualified themselves, however, when a bunch of them clad only in black ski masks and outrage raided a Monsanto Turkeyceutical factory and tried to set the drugs free. Mostly, the drugs melted in the rain on the pavement outside the factory.
“I guess my gareer as a voice ober announcer is ober,” Carioca sighed. “Habby hobidays!”