Panasonic Esso Tim-Hortons was bludgeoned to death with a television converter when he insisted that patrons of a sports bar turn up the sound of advertisements during a Toronto Maple Leafs/Montreal Canadiens hockey game. He was 23 years old.
Mr. Tim-Hortons is generally believed to be the first person to have led a completely sponsored life. Sony donated the video recorder on which his birth was televised to the world on various health networks. Upon birth, he was given a life-time supply of Pampers’ Bubble Butt diapers, a line created especially for him.
Mr. Tim-Hortons was a chubby child. Most of the people who have studied him blame this on the fact that Captain Crunch was the official breakfast cereal of his life, Ding-Dongs were his official mid-afternoon snack, the only drink he was allowed to drink was Coca-Cola, the official soft drink of his life, and, of course, the official doughnut of his life was Tim Horton’s. In fact, Mr. Tim-Hortons was contractually obligated to have a daily caloric intake that is higher than the populations of entire cities in many developing nations.
“Of course, being overweight was bound to have a negative effect on Panasonic’s sense of himself,” said Doctor Elmer Fuddle, a psychotherapist whose work with Mr. Tim-Hortons was underwritten by the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce. “Despite having his every need taken care of – by Taco Bell, Serta, The Gap, IBM, MultiNatCorp and others – I would say that Panasonic had an unhappy childhood.”
At the age of 12, Mr. Tim-Hortons was embroiled in a scandal when Esso changed its name to Exxon. General Motors claimed that this invalidated Esso’s contract with Mr. Tim-Hortons, and offered him a large sum of money to change his name. Esso countered that Mr. Tim-Hortons must honour his contract and, if anything, change his name to Exxon. When the court case was first reported in the newspapers, several corporations entered into a bidding war for Mr. Tim-Hortons’ middle name, including Time-Warner, Wal-Mart and Microsoft.
Before the case could go to trial, Tom and Mary Fitzgerald, Mr. Tim-Hortons’ parents, reached a settlement with Exxon in which they would retain the middle name if the company would match the highest bidder. “We don’t want to put young Panasonic through the torment of a trial,” the Fitzgeralds’ said in a press release.
Mr. Tim-Hortons achieved more notoriety at the age of 15, when he began to refuse to wear designer clothing, opting for inexpensive army surplus wear, and declared himself a vegetarian. A coalition of fashion designers, including the houses of Gucci, Dior and Levi-Strauss, brought a class action suit against Mr. Tim-Hortons, claiming that he was in violation of his contracts with them. At the same time, MacDonald’s corporation, which had been one of the founding sponsors of his life, threatened him with legal action if he did not start eating meat again.
“You have to understand,” Doctor Fuddle explained, “this was just youthful rebellion, not a challenge to the capitalist system!”
Mr. Tim-Hortons was unrepentant, and a judge sentenced him to spend a couple of nights in jail for contempt of court, garnering a lot of negative publicity for the coalition of designers. In the end, they decided to let their downscale labels release some lines of clothes without labels specifically to fit Mr. Tim-Horton’s avowed new lifestyle. MacDonald’s, perhaps more media savvy, immediately started serving salads and other meatless meals in their restaurants.
Mr. Tim-Hortons, after a year traveling sponsored by Air Canada, entered the University of Toronto on a unique scholarship sponsored by the law firm of Hunter, Playback and Knudsen. He started as a film major, but in his second year switched to pre-law. His parents claim that this was because of pressure put on him by his sponsor, but Archibald Playback insists that Mr. Tim-Hortons “really grew as a result of his university experience, and didn’t require any encouragement from our firm to begin making more mature decisions about his future.”
At the time of his death, Mr. Tim Hortons was reportedly studying copyright law. “He was very socially responsible,” Marilyn “Revlon” Guthrie, Mr. Tim-Hortons’ girlfriend, stated. “He believed information wanted to be free.” According to Ms. Guthrie, Mr. Tim-Hortons’ favourite book was Naomi Klein’s No Logo.
What is Mr. Tim-Hortons’ legacy? “Sure, sometimes, we were competitors,” says Halliburton Disney Franklin, 13, “but Panasonic was a pioneer in life sponsorship, man. His life was, like, inspirational. He will be missed.”
Panasonic Esso Tim-Hortons was survived by his parents, Tom and Mary Fitzgerald, sisters Martha and Lisa, and his golden retriever, Alpo. Services will be held this Sunday. Flowers are appreciated – only from FTD Florists, of course.