ITEM: Women’s College Hospital accepted $1 million from infant formula maker Mead Johnson Canada in return for a 10 year contract allowing it to distribute its products to women who have just given birth. Critics charge that this will undercut the hospital’s efforts to get women to breastfeed their newborns, which most studies indicate is better for them. (The newborns, that is…)
“Anasthetic!”
Don’t you hate it when a patient regains consciousness in time to see you mucking about in his viscera? Fortunately, that’s not going to happen because the general anasthetic for today’s operation was supplied by Happy Gas Limited. Our special blend of 37 different chemical agents — including new and improved Z-28, known commercially as Diloxymoron — is guaranteed to put your patient out and keep him out for the duration of the procedure. Why put up with semi-conscious patients when what you really want to be is a smooth operator? For your next tonsillectomy or triple by-pass, think effective gas. Think Happy Gas.
“Scalpel!”
Friends, I’m not a medical doctor, but I do play one on TV, so, as part of the extensive research I do into all my characters, I’ve learned a lot about cutting into human flesh. And that’s why I can recommend MedTech’s latest line of scalpels. Designed on the most expensive computer equipment medical research dollars can buy, using MedTech’s scalpels is just like cutting through butter. Well, butter that breaths and can squirt up at you if you aren’t careful. But you get the sense of the metaphor. So, remember MedTech scalpels — they’ll help you get to the heart of the matter.
“Sponge!”
Looking forward to your first appendectomy? Excited about that first incision? And how about getting your hands on an internal organ in a living body for the first time? You have every right to be excited. But, in these times of cutbacks in federal transfer payments to the provinces for shared social programs like health care, can you be sure you’ll be able to afford the equipment to do the job properly? Sure you will, if you come to Sponges ‘R’ Us, the discount medical sponge supply store.
At Sponges ‘R’ Us, you won’t get a whole lot of useless talk about gowns or masks or other surgical necessities, because we specialize in only one item: sponges! And you won’t believe our incredibly low prices. How do we do it? Volume! With 27 outlets throughout the province, our courteous and well-groomed staff will be glad to fulfill your every need. That’s Sponges ‘R’ Us — quality medical supplies at prices that won’t break your heart.
“Clamp!”
Hey, stud! When you’re in the middle of reconstructing a damaged artery, the last thing you want is to have some wimpy clamp lose its grip! That’s why four out of five heart specialists and dominatrixes recommend Schlegel clamps. Schlegel clamps are built tough to last. So, get with it, body jockies. If you’re not using Schlegel, what the hell are you using?
“Doctor, we’re losing the patient — his blood pressure is dropping rapidly…”
“Heart rate?”
“Also dropping — fast!”
“Damn! Give me 10 ccs of adrenaline!”
You’re a hip young doctor with a few pancreas transplants notched on your scalpel. You probably think all adrenaline is pretty much the same, right? But what if I told you that only one adrenaline compound contains Eurofleurostreptomyicin, a chemical which clinical tests have conclusively proven does absolutely nothing to the human body, but sounds incredibly authoritative on a package? What if I told you that only one adrenaline compound comes in chocolate, cherry and new “hint of mint” flavours? Mother Stuckey’s Adrenaline Compound — because no patient should disagree with his Mother.
“Doctor, the patient’s heart has stopped!”
“Get the electro-cardiac fibrillator!”
In the market for a fibrillator? It’s a big decision — you don’t want to put out all that money just to get your fibrillator to the hospital and find that your medical staff wanted a newer model. That’s why you should come to Ross Womp’s Fibrillator Showroom. We have all makes and models of new and used fibrillators. We also offer a wide range of optional extras, and will happily customize your fibrillator absolutely free of charge! Be sure to ask about our great deals on parts and service. Remember Ross Womp’s Fibrillator Showroom. Settling for anything less would be heartbreaking!
“Doctor, we’ve lost him.”
“No! I can still –“
“Get a grip, Doc! He’s dead!”
“How could this happen?”
“We waited too long between incisions for the product endorsements…”