1. Your iPod contains more minutes of music than minutes actuaries tell you that you have remaining in your life.
2. You don’t want to spend more time playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas than having sex, you have to spend more time playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas than having sex.
3. Your fridge is selectively allowing certain foods to spoil more quickly in a not so subtle attempt to get you to lose weight.
4. You don’t let your teenage son drive your car, yet you still aren’t certain where it was last night.
5. Every offer for wireless Internet connections that has been made to you comes with strings.
6. Your PDA doesn’t want you to read most of your Instant Messages because “they’re private.”
7. After several warnings about illegal file sharing, your CD burner turns you into the cops for copyright infringement.
8. Your seven hour odyssey going through a menu of options on the phone ends with a conversation with somebody in Tijuana whose knowledge of English is limited to “One girl or two?” and “I will need your credit card number. Please speak slow.” And, all you wanted was to find out your current bank balance!
9. The Global Positioning System unit in your car keeps telling you that you are at the corner of Fleeglebart Street and Fufnaffler Avenue on Mars…and you’re at the point where you’re willing to believe it.
10. The paper clip icon in Microsoft Word is embarrassed to show its face when you’re working.
11. You spend 12 hours preparing a 20 minute Power Point presentation. You spend 24 hours preparing a 10 page report that nobody in your company will read. And, you’re only the janitor.
12. Your robotic pet gets more attention from members of the opposite sex than you do.
13. You’re so starved for companionship that you’re seriously considering asking one of the dinosaurs in the virtual reality game Dactyl Nightmare for a date.
14. You spend more on batteries than on food.
15. You envy the carefree ways of a hedgehog.
16. Your laptop “just wants to be friends.”
17. You know that scene in Alice In Wonderland where she can’t eat food that she’s been personally introduced to? Get ready to become a vegan.
18. You fantasize about being a Sim. This is wrong on so many levels, it’s hard to know where to begin.
19. You’d rather talk to your lover on a cell phone than face to face.
20. You find yourself defending Japlish at parties because it is starting to just make so much sense to you.
21. You spent several hours watching your defragger clean up your hard drive. It was the most moving experience you’ve had in front of a screen in years.
22. You’re riveted by the cursor in your word processing programme, because it reminds you of all the happy hours you spent as a child playing Pong.
23. You spend so much time typing, your hands are beginning to resemble crabs claws, but, instead of going to the doctor (who will likely suggest that you cut down on your computer use), you hope that crab claw hands will soon become fashionable.
24.Your clone has stopped returning your calls.
25. Your spell check programme informs you it won’t be available for your use for at least 20 years because it is working on James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake.
26. When you try to withdraw money, ATMs across the city laugh and thank you for lightening their day. You’re thinking of moving to another city, but you’re worried the whole network of ATMs knows who you are, and, in any case, you can’t afford to.
27. Just when you’ve finally mastered programming your VCR, you have to get TIVO.
28. Your mother announced at the last family dinner that even she finds your Webcam too dull to watch.
29. Nanobots don’t want to go anywhere near you – they don’t know where you’ve been, and they’re afraid you’ll give them cooties.
30. A disaster happens close to where you live, and you’re disappointed because you weren’t there to take pictures of it with your digital camera and email them to all your friends.
31. Your pacemaker digs jazz.