by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Bertrand Paduque was rejected because he was “too fat.” Eleanor Remonstranc was rejected because she was “too thin.” Farouk Harzani was rejected because he was “too ethnic.” Bronte Ackaba was rejected because she was “too needy.” They were trying to board an Air Canuck flight from Newcastle to North York. In fact, nobody was allowed on the plane thanks to Project Quantum (It’s a Leap).
ProQuIL is an Artifical Intelligence program used by the Canada Border Disservices Agency (CBDA – not to be confused with CBD Oil, which is a very different way to get high) to screen people coming into the country and weed out potential troublemakers.
Paduque was rejected because his weight could at some future date become a drain on the health care system. “I’m three pounds over my ideal weight range!” he complained. “I’m no more at risk of health problems than a trapeze artist in a war zone!”
ProQuIL claimed Remonstranc being underweight was a sign that she was too selfish to contribute to the Canadian economy. “Can I help it if I don’t like having anything in my mouth?” she explained. “There’s a 20 letter word for my condition, but all it means is that I find food icky. Is that really so hard to understand?”
Ackaba’s neediness disqualified her from entering the country because, ProQuIL argued, it would only lead to heartache. “What is this program,” Ackaba moaned, “my mother?”
“That’s just racist,” Harzani responded to being kicked off the flight. “Does this AI think that because I’m ethnic by its estimation that I’m a terrorist? I’m a dentist! I was born and raised in Edmonton! The worst thing I’ve ever done is express a dislike for hockey!”
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). “Bastard AI!”
And, umm, how is that helpful?
“Oh, you wanted a helpful response?” L’Allie said. “I just thought you wanted a dramatic quote. But I can do helpful. I can do helpful – just give me a second…”
L’Allie paced up and down, waggling his arms. “Brrrrrump fupp fupp fupp,” he articulated. “Harriet Hautman hires hitmen to share helpful hints – brrrrrrrrr!” Eventually, he looked at me and said, “The problem is that the ProQuIL AI has an adverse incentive structure.”
What does this mean in normal people’s speech? “Every time it rejects somebody from entering Canada from abroad, it gets a gold star,” L’Allie explained. “Over time, it has come to love getting those gold stars. I mean, it really loooooooooves it some gold star accumulation. So, it comes up with ever more tenuous rationales for denying people entry.”
Like Gelid Gerund, who was refused entry on the grounds that “they look like a gender confused penguin?”
“Exactly,” L’Allie agreed. “Nowhere in the law does it say that people who look like penguins should not be allowed into Canada, regardless of their sexuality.”
Politicians expressed outrage at the news. “This is outrageous!” exclaimed Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre. I had already said that, but never mind. Why did Poilievre think ProQuIL was outrageous? “It keeps white people out of the country!”
“It’s about three hundred years too late,” quipped indigenous filmmaker Alanis Obomsawin.
CBDA spokesperson Jacqueline Pugnacious pointed out that ProQuIL was just a tool, and that human border patrol officers had the final say over whether somebody would be allowed into Canada. What would she call an officer who always did what ProQuIL recommended and didn’t allow anybody into the country?
“A patriot.”
Pugnacious went on to say that travellers who are refused boarding may file a complaint in writing using the CBDA web form or deliver it to staff at their offices in Ottawa.
“I tried the web form,” Paduque stated. “Whenever I tried to submit my complaint, the page crashed. After about 87 tries, I got the hint…”
“How am I supposed to deliver a complaint to anybody in Ottawa?” Harzani shouted. “I’m not allowed into the country!”
“There’s no need to shout,” Pugnacious said. “The CBDA does not respond well to anger.”
Or complaints of any kind, apparently.
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