Children: Throwing dirt at others may give you satisfaction now, but it will cause you to have a larger cleaning bill down the road.
Politicians: Throwing dirt at others may give you satisfaction now, but it will cause you to have a larger cleaning bill down the road.
Men Over 18: Women want to enjoy sex as much as you do. Make an effort.
Men Over 40: That fast car isn’t going to keep you from slowing down.
Men Over 50: Urethra is not a small country in Africa. Ask your doctor. Right away.
Filmmakers: Popping a cap in somebody’s ass is no longer an entertaining threat. If you want authentic hood dialogue, do some research.
Writers: It is totally a coincidence that god spelled backwards is dog, and nobody thinks you’re clever if you make this the central theme of your article, short story or, heaven forbid, novel.
Artists Generally: Nobody cares about your creative agonies. You need to get out and meet non-artists more.
Democrats: Republican Lite doesn’t taste great, and don’t even ask about the headaches the morning after!
Republicans: Everything you accomplish now will be undone in less than 50 years, so enjoy your power while you can.
Gwen Stefani: Human beings are not fashion accessories, even if they are Japanese.
Jews: Arabs are people, too. They love their children just like you do. Stop attacking their homes and give them back their land.
Arabs: Jews are people, too. They love their children just like you do. Stop sending your children to bomb them and let them live in their country in peace.
Homophobes: If you thought about it a little more, you would realize that love of god doesn’t justify hatred of other human beings. Just a little more. Almost there…
Women Over 18: That hair colour is going to make all the people at school laugh at you, and you aren’t going to look back on these rebellious years with fondness.
Women Over 30: Yes, that dress makes you look fat. So what? You’re still beautiful.
Women Over 50: That hot flash you just felt has nothing to do with just having seen Jude Law’s latest movie. Ask your doctor. Right away.
Donald Rumsfeld: If you aren’t kept up at nights wondering just how incredibly awful you have to be to rise to the level of your incompetence, you should be. Lord knows, the rest of us are.
Pharmaceutical Companies: There’s a much simpler way to deal with people’s concern about their increasing drug usage than creating a category of mental illness called Medication Dependence Anxiety and developing a pill that can putatively cure it. I’ll give you a hint: finding a solution to the problem really doesn’t require a $10 billion research budget.
Liberals: Paul Martin is no Jean Chretien (and who ever imagined he would be the standard of Canadian Liberalism?).
Conservatives: Stephen Harper is no Joe Clarke (and who ever imagined he would be the standard of Canadian Conservatism?).
NDP: Jack Layton is a Jack Layton (and that about says it all).
Automotive Companies: The world will one day run out of oil. The fact that all of the world’s highways could possibly melt under the heat caused by global climate change before then should be no consolation to you. (It’s no consolation to the rest of us.)
Baby Boomers: The surgery you’re contemplating will not stop time.
Gen-Xers: Some day, all of the Baby Boomers are going to be dead, and then you’ll have nobody to blame for the decisions you make.
Gen-Yers: There’s no such thing as Generation Y – it was a desperate attempt by an ad executive to find a new marketing niche. Get over yourselves.
Patriots: Most of the population of the world doesn’t live in your country! They don’t share your values and don’t care about what happens to you! Believe it or not, they think they’re patriots, too. Crazy, hunh?
Dotcom Billionaires: You know that social revolution you kept promising us would happen after we all got connected to the Internet? Well, it didn’t happen. But, it’s just as well, because you would have been the first to be lined up against the virtual wall.
Michael Jackson: Nobody cares.