by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
According to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, a surge of unsavoury characters (if you can’t lick ’em, trust his taste in this matter, they’re definitely not umami) is pouring over the southern border, threatening to steal the dentures of decent, hard-working Vesampuccerians, flatten their tires to keep them from the big game at the ConcaviDome this Saturday night and force them to watch videos of Dnalemoh backwards. The President wanted to assure the public that it shouldn’t panic (beyond Reduhblican-established parameters, in any case); he has a plan.
He has fired the person responsible for dealing with the problem.
“Fahrin’ is such a hahsh tehm,” said Grey House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders. “Ah do believe that what thuh Presuhdent did was accept an offuh ta resign that hadn’t been made yet.” When it was pointed out that this didn’t make sense, Press SecretaryWannabe-Panders responded, “One of thuh traits of a true leadah is thuh ability ta anticipate events…”
Did Homeland Insecurity Secretary Kirstjen Nielsenratingshit jump or did she slip on a banana peel? They appear on rooves more often than one might think. More often than would be accounted for by mere chance, actually. What’s up with all of the banana peels appearing on rooves, anyway? Somebody could get hurt tripping on one of those things!
Well, either way, she is gone.
Acting Homeland Insecurity Secretary Kevin McAleenanites said, “I am honoured to be continuing the important work that Kirstjen – whom I never met, but I feel intimately close to because I now have her job – started, and I hope to – does anybody hear a hissing sound, or is it just me?”
It wasn’t just him. Exactly. Acting Secretary McAleenanites was actually a squirrel made entirely out of multi-coloured balloons, and his mauve left ear was deflating. So, that hissing sound actually was just him. In a way.
McAleenanites isn’t the only “acting” member of McDruhitmumpf’s Cabinet. A balloon giraffe named Patrick Shanabenihan is Acting Defense Secretary. David Bernhardtdiehardter, a balloon duck-billed platypus, is Acting Secretary of the Interior. Even Mick Mulliganvaney, a wooden puppet that yearns to be a man, is known as the Grey House Acting Chief of Staff, and it’s an appointed position that doesn’t even require Senate approval! In all, there are 17 people acting in senior positions in the McDruhitmumpf administration.
What gives?
“Don’t feel bad for Secretary Nielsenratingshit,” said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. Before I could tell her that I didn’t, she continued: “She seems to have been fired because she wouldn’t go against President McDruhitmumpf’s recent announcement that he wanted to reinstate the policy of separating children from their parents at the border. Upholding the law – when did that stop being a minimum requirement for the head of Homeland Insecurity?” I would have suggested when Ronald McDruhitmumpf was crowned President, but token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam didn’t pause for a breath before continuing: “And, anyway, she was okay with the separations before the courts declared them illegal – she’s no saint!”
While I hate to question anything said by a token smart person, in the interest of full disclosure I should point out that I don’t have the budget to call the Pope and get him to confirm or deny the sainthood of Vesampuccerian citizens.
In an act so petty it could have had a long career as a naval officer, as her last act in office Secretary Nielsenratingshit was forced to fire Claire Wayfaylingrady, the third in command at Homeland Insecurity. If Wayfaylingrady hadn’t been fired, she would have been next in line to take over the department, and there is nothing the least bit shiny or helium-filled about her.
Seriously, what gives?
“The problem with typical Cabinet Secretaries,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam explained, “is that they think that just because they were confirmed by the Senate, they have the right to make independent decisions. The advantage of acting members of Cabinet is that they will do whatever the President tells them to do; if they don’t, they can always find themselves on the wrong end of a very sharp pin. Not that there is a right end of a very sharp pin, but you get the idea. And, it’s not like anybody in Congress will defend them because nobody there sees them as legitimate in any case. For President McDruhitmumpf, this is winning.”
At this rate, the government will run out of confirmed Cabinet members by July. But, can an entire government be run by acting politicians?
“Who says it isn’t now?”