by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
Hamas Commander I Want My Mommy has been killed in a drone missile strike. On an orphanage. Where he was living after his parents were killed in a previous drone missile strike on a fruit stand seven families were using for shelter. He was four years old.
Defending the strike, Israeli Defence Forces Major Yitzhak Schmegegieputzim stated, “Commander I Want My Mommy, was a senior Hamas’ official – in killing him, we have dealt a mighty smitey blow to the terrorist organization’s command and control structure. And before anybody says anything, I would like to be clear that the precision of our weapons ensured that while we killed the Hamas leader, we killed only 37 other children and orphanage workers and wounded a mere 67. I don’t want to hear any complaints about indiscriminate killings today, okay? My back is killing me from all the rhetorical heavy lifting, and I’m just not in the mood!”
But the target was only four years old!
“But he was a very mature four years old,” Major Schmegegieputzim pointed out. “Israeli intelligence has definitively proven, odds are very good, the balance of evidence strongly suggests that Commander I Want My Mommy was the mastermind behind a raid on an infant formula storage facility in Haifa three weeks ago. Two people and a cow were killed, and seven thousand bottles were stolen. Don’t waste any sympathy on him: Commander I Want My Mommy was a bad, bad baby!”
But…four. Years. Old.
“We’ve been saying all along that everybody in Gaza was a terrorist,” smirked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu. “Today’s drone strike definitively, most likely, in all probability proves that we were right. On behalf of the Israeli people, I am happy to accept the apology of everybody in the world who doubted us.”
The Prime Minister’s smirk could be seen as far off as Iran, and was halfway across the Atlantic at the time we went to press with this story.
The Gilded Lilliputian Orphanage in Gaza City existed next to the rubble that was once Jafar’s Lamps, Rugs and Other Stereotypical Middle Eastern Curios Shoppe and across the street from a burnt out structure that used to be a Schawarmas ‘R’ Us restaurant. Before it was destroyed, it could be found three doors down from Abdul’s Used Camel Spit and Military-grade Weapons Emporium, which sources within Swedish intelligence indicate was a Hamas hidey hole. While it’s possible that a four year-old is a terrorist leader, isn’t it more likely that the strike on the orphanage was just a mistake?
Through true gritted teeth, Major Schmegegieputzim argued, “Israel has one of the most effective intelligence gathering apparatusim in the free world. If you want to argue with it, feel free, but I should warn you that Israeli intelligence has won the debate club competition at Golda Meierandheier High School three years in a row, and counting!”
Although you may not know it to look at me now, I was once a high school debating champion myself, so I pointed out that drones are not as precise as the Israeli military would like us to believe. As proof, I pointed out that a drone that was obviously targeting me at the press conference accidentally hit MSNBC journalist Ayman Mohelshanandean with sixty thousand volts of electricity, causing him to burble like a cartoon character before going stiff as a board and slowly sliding off his chair.
“We…meant to do that,” Major Schmegegieputzim insisted, although it was clear his heart wasn’t in it.
But a four year-old. Really. What was next for the Israeli military? An attack on a neo-natal ward on the pretense that a newborn baby was launching missile attacks on Jerusalem?
Major Schmegegieputzim’s face grew red. “Who told you about Operation Tenth Commandment‽” he bellowed. “If you have tipped off Lieutenant Gaga Googoo of our imminent operation, you could have your press pass revoked…or worse!”
I shook in my boots. And I was wearing slippers!
When United States President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax was asked about the attack, he sighed deeply and said, “Israel has a…you know…a right to…to…defend – are you really going to make me say it?”
The President’s sigh could be heard as far off as Tuktoyaktuk, and was well across the Atlantic at the time this story went to press. Nobody knows what will happen when it meets Prime Minister Netanhoohayu’s smirk, but experts agree that the fallout over the ocean will likely cause minimal damage.