“Nobody was more surprised than I was,” said Matilda Schwartzberg-Angelou, of her recent victory in the United States Presidential election. “I mean, I didn’t even know I was running.”
As it happens, she wasn’t. This is just one of the more unsettling aspects of her election to the highest office of the land. Another is that the networks were announcing her victory five minutes after the polls closed.
“To be honest, I thought we were jumping the gun a bit,” a bemused Dan Rather said, “but, as it turned out, we were right, so, I guess our election night projection software is better than we thought it was.”
According to the final tallies, Schwartzberg-Angelou took all 50 states, several Canadian provinces and Iraq. This is another anomaly, considering that Canada and Iraq, while unofficially vassal states of the US, haven’t had their citizens accorded the right to vote in American elections.
“This is [EXPLETIVES DELETED]!” snarled Republican former Vice President Dick Cheney. “We had the fix in! There is no – I mean, the fix was obviously in. I mean – [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!
“Okay, first thing, we’re gonna get 100 young Republicans and bus them into – where does this woman live? She’s gonna see a picket on her front lawn that’ll make her hair stand on end! Then…then we take it to the Supreme Court! We have [EXPLETIVE DELETED] options, here! We can’t – this isn’t – aargh!”
Then, clutching his chest, the former Vice President went to his room to have a little lie down.
“This sure is unexpected,” Democratic candidate John Kerry stated. “But, it is the will of the people, so we have to abide by it – unless the election was stolen, in which case we’ll fight to our last breath to see that the real results are made pub – but, no, the people have spoken and we just have to move on. I…guess…”
With both major parties crying foul – more or less – you might expect a recount to settle the matter. Unfortunately, elections were conducted by electronic voting machines this year, and they do not leave a paper trail, so no recounts are possible. Furthermore, citing copyright issues, the makers of the machines refuse to allow legislators to see their code, so neither party can determine if there were problems with the machines.
“The results may have been…unexpected,” Roscoe Reider, head of Votive Machines, Inc., stated, “but we stand by the integrity of our electronic polling sys – WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT THAT FIRE OUT!”
“I guess I’ll have to choose a cabinet or something,” Schwartzberg-Angelou, in her first official interview as Commander-in-Chief, said from her kitchen. “But, that can wait until after lunch. William is going to be home any moment, and I really have to get his peanut butter and tuna sandwiches made.”
Before being elected President, Schwartzberg-Angelou was a bagger at a Wal-Mart in Kenosha, Oregon. “She worked her way up from Welfare,” said her former common-law husband, who asked to be identified only as Bobby, “first to Wal-Mart, then to become President. And, isn’t that the American dream? Oh, I’m getting all misty, here – buy me another round?”
Schwartzberg-Angelou said she wasn’t really going to miss the trailer park where she and her 12 year-old son, William, currently reside, but that she wasn’t sure she wanted to move to Washington. “They have drug dealers…gun merchants…tobacco lobbyists,” she explained. “I don’t know if that’s a good environment in which to raise a child.”
When it was explained to her that she and her son would have a contingent of bodyguards to ensure their safety, Schwartzberg-Angelou just laughed. “Can you imagine me going into the Best Buy with a half dozen security guards? Donnie’d be so freaked out, he’d gladly give me the lower price just to get me out of there!”
It’s clear that Schwartzberg-Angelou hasn’t quite adjusted to her new reality yet.
“WILLIE!” Schwartzberg-Angelou shouted as she placed a plate of food on the bare kitchen table. “WILL! SON! LUNCH IS READY!” Lowering her voice, she confided, “I heard him come in – he probably went straight to his room. He always does. Straight to the computer, that one. I don’t have much use for them, myself, but some day, he’s gonna make a ton of money with that gadget.”
Schwartzberg-Angelou beamed with a mother’s pride.