by ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN, Alternate Reality News Service Sports Writer
If you see a woman squirming (defined by Gruff’s Guide to Public Naughtiness as “hippal motion of no more than three quarters of an inch across and half an inch up and down; anything greater than that is considered bouncing”) in her seat on public transit, do not complain to the authorities. She may be training for the Olympics.
The female vagina has long been – not to suggest that there is such a thing as a male vagina – although some would argue that there are many offensive slang terms for male vaginas – and, yes, it’s true, doctors are doing wonderful things with the growth of new body parts from genetic material, grafting all manner of unexpected organs onto…umm…but…but perhaps I should start over.
Vaginas have long been revered as the source of life. Now, they have the power to end life, too.
“I have the power to kill a man with my Yoni Mitchell?” enthused Very, Way, Xtreme Yelping Zebras Gaming League player Felicity Agenda. “I am so there! I am there with bells on and both ovaries blazing!”
A breakthrough in human-computer interface design now allows women to control electronic devices with their Vajayjay Lenos. While most women use the technology at their jobs (which has revolutionized the workplace in unexpected ways, such as requiring many more bathroom breaks per day), professional gamers like Agenda immediately glommed (defined by Gruff’s Guide to Public Naughtiness as “a word that, although it sounds naughty enough to be included in this volume, isn’t”) onto it.
Initially, the response from male players was distaste bordering on irrationality. “Eww!” exclaimed 2016 Tony Skateboard’s Give ‘Em the Bird Competition winner Bill Buskerbreaker. “Ick!” moaned three time Greed for Speed winner Xavier Excelsior. “Eww! Ick!” said so many others that it would take a small phone book (whatever that was – I thought I found one once, but it turned out to be the Stupefying Snailman, Gastropod of Justice’s laundry list) to list them all.
The VWXYZ Gaming League initially banned female players from using the new controllers. “It would give female players an unfair advantage,” the organization’s Web site stated, “if, in addition to their two hands, they could play games with their…their…eww! Icks!”
“Like we don’t have enough difficulty getting into professional gaming!” bitched (in the intransitive sense of the word; see Gruff’s Guide to Public Naughtiness if you do not understand the distinction) Estrella “Candy” Cordoba, Presidentress of the Vagina Condo Hogs & Goily Gamers Collective which, at the time of the controller ban, had all of four members. “If men want to level the playing field, they should develop a game controller for the Dick Sargents! As if men need any more reason to play with their Dick Sargents. Hah!”
Cupping his Private Ryans with both hands, Excelsior commented that it didn’t matter whether or not new controllers would give “girl players” (his words, not mine – please direct your letters of outrage accordingly) an unfair advantage because they would still lose. “I mean, they’re just goilz!”
In the face of male players’ sexist contempt, the VWXYZ Gaming League reluctantly lifted its ban on women playing with the new controllers. “Don’t get me wrong – I love goilz,” Excelsior dug himself deeper. “But, they just don’t got the strength, or stamina, or…or…or sheer moxie to win a video game tournament. They’re too delicate and -“
All female Team Jennifer Saunders immediately took first place in the annual Cull of Duty competition. “…just don’t have the WHAT?” Excelsior concluded. “They…they…they…they won? Goilz won? A coimpetition? No fair! They cheated!”
“Henh henh,” Cordoba, who saw membership in the Vagina Condo Hogs & Goily Gamers Collective skyrocket to six members because of the controversy, chuckled chortlingly. “Looks like the vagina is more powerful than the dickhead!”
Oh. Ah. I mentioned the Olympics in the lede, didn’t I? Right. The International Olympics Committee (CCP) has approved the use of vaginal game controllers for next year’s competition. The CCP expects –
“No, we didn’t,” interrupted CCP President Ionesco “Tickle” Guglielmo. “Although, now that you mention it, the revenue potential could be huge – we’ll definitely have to consider the possibility!”
Agenda is thrilled by the opportunity to compete for her country (she just has to figure out whether it’s Eurasia, Farhold or Narnia). She –
“No, I’m not,” Agenda interjected. “Although, come to think of it, it could be another feather in my street cred cap. I’ll definitely think about it!”
And, all was right in the journalism world.