SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
by George L. Tirebiter
Children have a wonderful capacity to believe that the world they were born into is the way the world has always been. Whether it is playing hide and seek in the rubble that was once a great city, or tag with children who have fewer limbs than they do (or, once in a while, more), this is what passes for “normal” for kids growing up these days.
At some point, however, children will learn that this is not, in fact, the way things have always been, that there was a time when war was not a constant feature of the world, when the environment wasn’t poisonous, when people didn’t have to sit in front of television sets and tell stories about what they showed because they actually worked. At that point, many children will ask, “What did you do to prevent this, daddy?”
Awkward. “Go ask your pack mother,” will satisfy small children. Really small children. Barely out of the womb children, really. For the rest, you will need better responses. Here are some suggestions:
1. Denial.
Your first impulse will be to deny that the world was ever better. Go with this impulse. Definitely. This isn’t lying, so much as…telling little white fibby things. Just keep telling yourself that it is for the benefit of the children: after all, who would want to go on living knowing what the human race had lost?
Keep telling yourself that.
“What? Clean water so plentiful people filled whole pools with it?” you could say. “Food so cheap people fed it to their dogs? Electricity? These are fairy tales! I…I…I suppose you’ll be telling me next that children used to put their baby teeth under their pillows – uhh, whatever they were – and woke up to find that they had been replaced by a Euro, or…or…that a big bunny left colourful eggs just lying around for children to find every Easter!”
Small children respect adults, and will stupidly believe pretty much anything they say, so your best bet is to tell them li – little white fibby things. Unfortunately, small children grow up to be bigger children (well, 37.4 per cent of them, at any rate), children who will see through this ruse. You will need a new tactic to deal with their questions.
2. Lie About The World’s Past
No, no, no. It’s not lying so much as…gilding the truth with fanciful assertions. There are two ways of gilding the truth with fanciful assertions about the world’s past: underplay its strengths or exaggerate its flaws.
UNDERPLAY: sure, there were pools full of water, but it wasn’t drinkable, and what good is water you can’t drink? EXAGGERATE: do you have any idea what the heating bills cost us? Seriously: people were bankrupted just keeping their pool water warm!
UNDERPLAY: sure, there was electricity, but you could only use it in one room at a time! I remember we had to turn off the television in the den every time Grandma wanted to boil some water in the kitchen! EXAGGERATE: electricity hated us. No, seriously – do you have any idea how many people electricity killed every single day?!
UNDERPLAY: sure, people used to live throughout those very tall buildings. But getting to the top took hours, and the bodies of the people who didn’t make it would often stink up the stairwells for days! EXAGGERATE: so many people lived in those buildings – literally millions! – trying to get to the room where you lived was more complicated than figuring out a Rubik’s cube! …whatever that was…
As they grow older still, you will find that many children will be able to see through these ruses. I don’t know how they do it – it’s not like they have any independent means of verifying any of your claims. Maybe it’s genetic. However it works, it may be time to try a new tactic.
3. Lie About Your Past.
NO! You’re not telling lies. You’re engaging in the creative reimagining of biographical details. Everybody does it!
Creative reimaginings that will impress older children include:
* I was the President of Greenpeace
* I was the President of Scientists Concerned About Global Climate Change
* I was the environmental assassin who killed the President and CEO of Monsanto
You have to be careful, of course, not to tell the same l – no, creative imagin – oh, alright, lies as a parent of one of your children’s friends. If this does happen, don’t accuse the other person of lying; once the possibility is introduced, your children may start to wonder if it isn’t you who is lying. A better response is to tell them that you were the President at a different time, or that you killed the President and CEO of a different company named Monsanto.
How will they know?
4. When In Doubt, Tell The Truth.
At some point, your children may stop believing you no matter how plausible your explanations are. Indicators that they no longer believe you include: obvious rolling of eyes; heavy sighing, and; saying, “I don’t believe you.” As a last resort, you may want to try telling them the truth.
This is tricky. If you were a senior member of an ecological group like Greenpeace, the truth might actually work to your advantage. However, since most of them were killed by rampaging mobs when the world’s ecology collapsed, it is unlikely.
Explaining that you were so caught up in the day to day struggle to survive that you didn’t have time to do anything about the larger forces that were destroying the world could make you look bad. Will likely make you look bad. Okay, will definitely make you look bad. However, it may be worth doing when your children have grown old enough to start their own tribal offshoots.
After all, that’s the perfect time for you to point out that they’ll be answering the questions of their own children some day.
George Leroy Tirebiter is a freelance psychologist and bounty hunter who works mainly in Sector R.