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The Trouble With Relying On His Other Brain

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“George, what did Karl always tell you?”

“Not to smirk in public?”

“What else?”

“Uhh…it’s okay to make a mistake. Nobody is perfect, see, everybody makes mistakes now and then. But, never, ever, ever admit making a mistake, because your enemies will pounce on it faster than a lion on a gazelle carcass.”

“Right. What else?”

“Well, uhh…see, Dick, Karl had a lot of rules – he was always telling me about things I shouldn’t do. Couldn’t you, you know, give me a hint?”

“Iraq.”

“Oh. Right. Always mention Saddam and Al Qaeda in the same sentence because – and I never rightly understood this – even though there was no connection between them, the public will think there was.”

“You don’t have to understand it. Just trust that it works. What else?”

“If the message is upbeat, the reality on the ground is irrelevant. Stay positive, don’t stray from the positive. I liked that – it rhymes. Always be positive. Don’t ever, ever say anything that isn’t positive – never. Never ever. Never ever, ever. Never –”

“Okay, I’m glad you got that part of the message. What else?”

“Uhh…another hint, please?”

“Vietnam.”

“Oh. That.”

“Yes, that. We just spent over two years denying that there was any connection between Vietnam and Iraq. We said that the Iraq war was unprecedented. Do you know what unprecedented means?”

“Hunh – without precedent?”

“Yeeeeesss, and what does – STOP SMIRKING AND PAY ATTENTION WHEN I TALK TO YOU!”

“Sorry.”

“Unprecedented. Singular. Not connected in any way to anything that came before it. Now, the point I want to impress upon you, the point that I want to make crystal clear, even though I know that it is a subtle one and you may have to make an effort to get your head around it is: HOW CAN WE CLAIM THE IRAQ WAR IS UNPRECEDENTED WHEN YOU GO COMPARING IT TO VIETNAM?”

“See, I was tryin’ ta make a point.”

“I’m sure you were. Oh, and you can drop the folksy Texan shit. I know better.”

“Right. Look. I was trying to explain that if we leave Iraq before we get the job done, it’ll be another –”

“Vietnam.”

“Exactly. You see my point.”

“Am I a moron?”

“What?”

“Do you think I am a brainless moron?”

“That from some sort of, uhh, Quentin Tarantino movie or some –”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION.”

“Uhh, no, Dick, I don’t think you’re a moron. Do you think I’m a moron?”

“I know what you were trying to do. You were trying to use the failure of the Vietnam war to warn against failing in Iraq by pulling out too soon. I get it. Only, now that you’ve legitimized the Iraq/Vietnam analogy, the fucking Democrats can go to town with their own version of the Iraq/Vietnam analogy. They’ll use…the Q word.”

“Quisling?”

“No.”

“Quitter?”

“Nooooooo.”

“Quaker? Cause, you know, that there would be religious bigotry if they did try to –”

“QUAGMIRE, GEORGE! THEY’LL GET TRACTION OUT OF CALLING THE IRAQ WAR A QUAGMIRE!”

“Aww, they been saying shit like that for a couple of years. It don’t mean nothing, see, cause nobody was taking them serious –”

“Until you made the analogy. Now, people are going to take them a lot more seriously. Am I getting through to you?”

“Oooooh. I see.”

“You do?”

“I should have had a bigger banner behind me.”

“Sigh. Okay. Look. Let me – let me try a different approach. By bringing up Vietnam, you’re giving our enemies in the press a reason to remind the public that you didn’t fight in Vietnam.”

“I didn’t?”

“No.”

“But, I was in the National Guard, right?”

“That’s a matter opinion – nobody really knows for sure.”

“Oh, I’m sure Dan Rather thinks he knows for –”

“WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SMIRKING?”

“Sorry.”

“Especially not about that. Rather is suing CBS for wrongful dismissal – the truth about your National Guard service during Vietnam may yet come out before the end of your term.”

“Oh, don’t get so high and mighty with me, Dick. How many deferrals did you have during Vietnam? Twenty-seven? Thirty-nine?”

“HOW DARE YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL, PATHETIC LITTLE SHI – okay, look. You’ve got a year left to secure your place in the history books. Bringing up Vietnam will muddy your record. You don’t want that, do you?”

“Course not. Well, see, when you put it that way, it makes sense for me not to talk about Vietnam.”

“Sigh…the things I do for my friends in the military-industrial complex!”

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