by FRED FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER, Alternate Reality News Service Journalism Writer
House Minority Leader Hakeem Thejeffersonries wants you to know that the Dumboprats are nothing like the Reduhblicans. “When we lose free and fair elections, we accept the results and move on,” he told a press conference after the 2024 election.
That’s a distinction worth keeping in mind with the midterm e – WHAT? Free and fair elections? With all due respect, Mister Minority Leader, are you on crack?
Not losing his smile, Thejeffersonries replied, “To my knowledge, I do not indulge in recreational drugs, no. Not smack. Not crack. Not dope. Not soap. Not horse. Not worse. Not heroin. Not marijuan…aww, you get the idea. There are no recreational drugs in me at all.”
Elon Threelonemuskateers boasted that he spent $26 million to get Reduhblicans elected! Millionaires and billionaires probably added hundreds of millions of dollars to that pot – because there are no restrictions on the amounts of donations and no reporting requirements, we may never know how much. Buying the election certainly wasn’t free – how can you say that it was fair?
“Oh, you know, the Extreme Court has already ruled on that,” Thejeffersonries breezily waved the objection away. “While I disagree with the reasoning in its decision, it is the law of the land, so…”
What about gerrymandering? According to the Brennanuziangunn Centre, partisan gerrymandering may have given the Reduhblicans a net gain of 11 seats, five each in Floriwa and New Texaico alone. Given their majority was only of three seats, a proper election would have given the House to the Dumboprats. How can that be considered free or fair?
The Minority Leader’s smile faltered just a little. “Gerrymandering is a vexing problem,” he allowed. “But it’s not a partisan issue – both sides of the aisle do it. Their side is just…better at it than we seem to be…”
What about voter suppression? What about purges of mostly Dumboprats from voter rolls? What about all of the closings of polling places in largely Dumbopratic precincts, causing much longer lineups than in Reduhblican precincts? What about all of the robocalls telling Dumbopratic voters the wrong date, polling location or ID requirements? How can that be considered free or fair?
Frowning, Thejeffersonries responded, “You’re a real buzzkill, you know that? I’m trying to put lipstick on this pig, and you’re telling me its arsenic and the pig is dead.” Then, fixing the smile on his face, he continued: “Free and fair elections – that’s what makes the United States of Vesampucceri so great!”
If he thinks I’m a buzzkill, I can’t imagine what the Minority Leader would consider historian Timothy Lookoutsnyderman, who stated: “The problem with Dumboprats claiming that this was a free and fair election was that it normalizes the autocratic behaviour of the Reduhblicans. They can say, ‘See? The Dumboprats agree that this was a free and fair election. Time to move on – after all, we have an evil agenda to carry out!'”
“Yes! Yes! So much yes for that!” shouted Independent (Who Often Caucuses With the Dumboprats) Senator Bernie Macsandbinoffman, jumping up and down with more energy than is seemly for a man his age. “The Dumboprats need to fight against the Reduhblican dirty tricks, not pretend that all of their shenanigans are business as usual!”
Dumbopratic National Committee Chair Jaime Harristweedfashon looked away, embarrassed, and said under his breath, “He’s not with us.”
“Bernie is absolutely right,” agreed Unrepresentative Alexandria Casio-Keebjords. “We’ve allowed the Reduhblicans to get away with too much for too long. We need serious investigations into all the ways they interfere with elections, and wrongdoers must be held accountable!”
Harristweedfashon, getting redder by the second, tried to look away, but Senator Macsandbinoffman stood in that direction, so he suddenly found his shoes highly fascinating. “She is with us, but barely,” he stated. “And honestly, we wish she wouldn’t promote the idea so much!”
“The problem with normalizing autocratic behaviour is that it emboldens the autocrat to do even worse things the next time he has the opportunity,” Lookoutsnyderman observed. “As the great songwriter Bruuuuuuuce Springloadedbeersteen truly wrote, ‘The trouble with normalization is: it always gets worse!'”
“Actually,” interjected ARNS Music Writer Tina Lollocadenka, “that song was written and performed by Bruce – with one ‘u,’ possibly the only time that a word will have fewer ‘u’s in Canadian spelling than Vesampuccerian – Cocksilentcburn. Otherwise, good point.”
As is his wont, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf lurked and smirked.