9/11 changed everything.
It was en evil act by evil madmen. They did not have any reason to do what they did – evil needs no reason. That’s what makes evil evil. Specifically, the attack wasn’t blowback for decades of American interference in Middle Eastern politics, because that would be a reason, and the terrorist attack on New York and Washington was evil, and evil needs no reason. Get it?
Iraqi madman Saddam Hussein had to be removed because he had weapons of mass destruction that could be used to attack the United States. The fact that United Nations weapons inspectors didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction is irrelevant – they don’t have the responsibility of protecting the United States of America. The fact that American troops couldn’t find any weapons of mass destruction after a year of occupying the country doesn’t mean they weren’t there – maybe they were just hidden very, very, very, very well. The fact that American intelligence agencies have come to the conclusion that Iraq had destroyed its weapons of mass destruction by around 1994 and didn’t have any functional programmes to reconstitute them just shows what little they know.
I mean, everybody knows that the intelligence community let the country down.
Hussein was a much bigger threat at the time than Osama bin Laden. Yes, even though bin Laden appeared to be the mastermind and banker for the 9/11 terrorists, the President wasn’t too worried about him: the United States had destroyed much of his terrorist infrastructure and captured many of his lieutenants. It’s not true that the President is soft on bin Laden because he’s Saudi Arabian, and the President’s family has done business with the Saudis for decades. That’s just one of those “Coincidences You Shouldn’t Think About Too Much.” It’s definitely not true that Iraq has become a magnet for budding terrorists since the American invasion, because that would mean that the US caused what it was trying to prevent, and that simply cannot be true because…because…
ORANGE TERRORISM ALERT! STAY CALM BUT BE VIGILANT BECAUSE AMERICA COULD BE ATTACKED AT ANY TIME!
Right. Sorry. Where was I? Right. By himself, Saddam was a grave threat to American security, but his support for terrorists, including those who attacked America on 9/11, made him a clear and present danger that had to be immediately dealt with. The whole “he’s secular, the terrorists are religious fundamentalists” argument misses the bigger picture: they’re all Arabs. Do I have to connect all the dots for you?
When American troops entered Baghdad to liberate its people, they showered us with flowers. If you’re smelling burning oil rather than roses, it’s because the lieutenant was in such a hurry to free the Iraqi people that he didn’t have time to properly oil the engine in his Abrams tank. It’s nothing that the motor pool can’t fix.
No Iraqi civilians were killed in the war or its aftermath. We know this because we’re not counting how many Iraqi civilians were killed. And, even if a few – a really small number because our carpet bombing was so precise – Iraqis were killed, it was a small price to pay to liberate the country. Before they died, they told us so.
The abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib? Just a few bad apples who were a little too enthusiastic about carrying out the war on terrorism. What? What paper? Oh, that paper? No, that isn’t shredded documents implicating administration officials in the torture. It’s confetti. That’s right. We’re going to ship truckloads of confetti from Washington to Baghdad to help Iraqis celebrate their freedom.
Yes, freedom is on the march in Iraq! That explosion that you’re hearing? Oh, that’s just freedom fireworks – the Iraqi people are celebrating. That rat-a-tat-tat? No, it’s not gunfire. It’s…drums. For the celebration.
Now, given all of this, it should be obvious that President George W. Bush is doing a terrific job under incredibly difficult circumstances. His inability to correct policies which are obviously doing more harm than good isn’t stubbornness – it’s resolution. And, his inability to admit error isn’t weakness – he’s simply never committed any errors. And, even if he has been wrong, it’s okay because…umm, because…
ORANGE TERRORISM ALERT DOUBLE PLUS! PANIC BUT DON’T STOP SHOPPING BECAUSE AMERICA IS UNDER IMMINENT THREAT OF ATTACK BUT IF WE CHANGE THE WAY WE LIVE THE TERRORISTS WILL HAVE WON!
Yessir, the President’s got my vote.