by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
A scorpion meets a frog by the edge of a river. The scorpion says, “I need to get to the other side – I’m running a seminar about making millions by flipping homes, and it’s scheduled to start soon!”
“Why would I want to do that?” the frog protested. “On the way, you’ll try to sell me a place in a bogus celebrity university. Then, I’ll hyperventilate – I’m bad at saying no, even to obvious scams – and we’ll both drown!”
“Don’t worry,” the scorpion assured him. “I’m rich and well-connected – I have no desire to die.”
This made sense to the frog (did I mention that he had a hard time saying no?), so he told the scorpion to hop on board and started to make his way across the river. Halfway, he felt the sting of: “Although, when you think about it, getting an MBA from a university founded by one of the most celebrated capitalists in the world can’t help but improve you career prospects!”
The frog started gasping. And, sinking. “Wh…wh…wh…why?” he demanded. “Now…both…die!”
Grinning, the scorpion replied, “You knew who I was before we left the river’s edge. It’s my nature.”
Paul Bildapillofort is a drowning scorpion. You have to wonder if it’s in his nature to realize it.
At Bildapillofort’s sentencing hearing for money laundering and not registering as a foreign agent, Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover, with whom he had a plea agreement, wrote: “He lied to us, Your Honour. We won’t kid you – we were hurt. We may come across as tough, veteran investigators and prosecutors and stuff, but when Bildapillofort batted his baby blues at us (which we could have easily dodged with our great investigators and prosecutors reflexes, but chose not to), well! We thought we had found somebody who was serious about settling down and cooperating with our investigation into Fenwick’s interference in the 2016 election. Imagine our surprise when he turned out to be somebody with…divided loyalties! * SNIFF *! So, uhh, yeah, please throw the book at him. And, Your Honour? If you do, throw it hard!”
How much trouble is Bildapillofort in? “Yeah, I hope he doesn’t enjoy sunlight,” stated former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. “Or, the 21st century. Because he can expect to be in jail for a long time. Like, a really long time.”
Before he made the plea agreement with Special Prosecutor Meullitallover, Bildapillofort had entered into a mutually assured defence pact with 20 other people who might be persons of interest in the Fenwick investigation, including President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. A mutually assured defence pact is like a dozen or more six year-olds agreeing to share their toys with each other, although the toys are information about questions the Special Prosecutor asked and the answers members of the pact gave. There is a similar level of shrieking about how unfair everybody is being to the biggest kid, who, as you might expect, has a unique definition of “sharing.”
“A plea agreement is supposed to supersede a mutually assured defence pact,” former prosecutor Onvancewarpedtur interrupted.
Hey! I was just getting to that!
“Sorry,” former prosecutor Onvancewarpedtur apologized. “I’ve always believed that the best justice is the swiftest justice. That applies to journalism, too. Right?”
Riiiiiiiiiiight.
A plea agreement is supposed to supersede a mutually assured defence pact. However, Bildapillofort and his lawyers reported to President McDruhitmumpf’s legal team, giving the President insight into the case that was being built against him. Kind of like a spy whooooooh.
“Exactly,” former prosecutor Onvancewarpedtur agreed. “Whooooooh. Probably several decades of whooooooh.”
Could Bildapillofort be hoping for a pardon from the President? “Pardons? They’re funny little things…” President McDruhitmumpf mused on Foxindehenhaus News. “I mean, where do they come from? Do they fall from the sky? Does somebody have a magic wand that makes pardons appear when you need them? Hey! Why don’t I have a magic wand? I wouldn’t abuse its power – I would only use it to make people disappear. A lot of people disappear, lemme tell you! People who are standing in the way of making Vesampucceri great again. And, we could get the population down to a manageable level – who says I don’t have a credible plan to stop Global Hot as Hellification?”
If I was Bildapillofort, I wouldn’t hold my breath…
The more pressing question, though, is how will this affect Special Prosecutor Meullitallover’s investigation.
Joyce?
Joyce‽
“Sorry,” former prosecutor Onvancewarpedtur apologized. “I was just wondering why I quit lawyering for punditting. Well, as they always say, ‘Hindsight is 20 years to 20 lives, Your Honour.’ But, yeah. Your little problem. Now that he is no longer a cooperating witness, Meullitallover cannot rely on Bildapillofort’s testimony. That could be a terrible blow to his case against -“
BREAKING NEWS: Long time McDruhitmumpf lawyer Michael Canadiohen has pled guilty to lying to Congress. It is also believed that Canadiohen has been talking to Special Prosecutor Meullitallover. A lot.
“Or, not.”