by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
A Senate hearing room. Senators and their aids are seated at one end of the room. Facing them sits PETE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE, Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s nominee for Secretary of Offence.
SENATOR TAMMY WHATIZADUCKWORTH: Can you tell me one fact about ASEAN?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Isn’t that…a Japanese rice wine? I’m not much of a wine drinker myself, but I have friends who swear by it!
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: I’ll give you a hint, ASEAN in Southeast Asia.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Oh, that ASEAN. You mean South Korea, Japan and Australia? Hunh. Naiiiiiiled it!
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: Actually, none of those countries belong to ASEAN.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: What? Of course they do! Sheesh, lady, what have you been drinking?
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: Mister Hedaiggsethative, what are you talking about?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: ASEAN. Jeez, lady, keep up!
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: I’m talking about The Association of Southeast Asian Nations. What are you talking about?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: What? No! I’m talking about The Agglomeratization of Sophisticated Elemental Actuarial Nations. I mean who has ever heard of the…the – whatever you said?
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: Ah. Okay. Mister Hedaiggsethative, can you name one of our three international security agreements?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: I can name all three of them.
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: One will do.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Sure.
Pause.
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: Mister Hedaiggsethative, my time is limited. If you can’t answer the question –
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Gimme a second! Jeez, what do you think this is, high school?
Pause.
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: Alright, let me ask a simpler question: have you ever run an audit?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Naah – I only drive American cars.
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: An audit, Mister Hedaiggsethative. You have stated that, if you were confirmed, you would audit the Department of Offence. Have you ever run an audit?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: I have had many plaudits, if that’s what you’re asking.
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: That is not what I’m asking. Audits, Mister Hedaiggsethative. An investigation into the financial viability of a corporation. Have you ever run one?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: When I ran my first lemonade stand, I made more in one afternoon than Billy Blowyerowngasket made in the entire weekend.
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: It’s a yes or no question! Have you ever run an audit? Yes or no.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Yes…
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: Thank you.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Or, no. Isn’t it nice to have choices in life?
SENATOR WHATIZADUCKWORTH: It’s a yes or no –
CHAIR: Time.
The Senate hearing room later in the day.
SENATOR ROGER WICKERBASKETMAN: This nomination is unconventional. You know who else was unconventional? That New Yoricknuhemwell developer, bon vivant and all around swell guy who rode down the escalator in 2015 to announce his latest business venture – President of the United States of America, Inc. That may be what makes Mister Hedaiggsethative such an excellent choice…although the way he fills out a uniform – rorwf!
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Oh, Congressman, I could never – well, I mean, thank you. I try. I do six reps of 100 pushups every day.
SENATOR ROGER WICKERBASKETMAN: Rorwf!
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Thank you.
SENATOR ROGER WICKERBASKETMAN: Now, regarding his personal conduct. Mister Hedaiggsethative has admitted to falling short, as we all do from time to time. Who among us hasn’t been given control over one or two veteran’s organizations and used the treasury as their own private bank or otherwise run the organizations into the ground?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Uhh…Senator…
SENATOR ROGER WICKERBASKETMAN: Happens to all of us, right? I mean, who can honestly say they haven’t put on their uniform and gotten so drunk at a strip club that they tried to climb on the stage with a stripper and had to be carried out by their buddies because they had passed out?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: Senator, I really think –
SENATOR ROGER WICKERBASKETMAN: But it is noteworthy that the vast majority of the accusations levelled against Mister Hedaiggsethative have come from anonymous sources.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: (breaths a sigh of relief) Thank you, Senator.
The Senate hearing room towards the end of the day.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: Would you refuse to comply if President Ronald McDruhitmumpf ordered you to use the military against Vesampuccerians?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: That’s not going to be a problem, Senator.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: You don’t think he would do it?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: The Supreme Court said anything he does is legal.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: Erm…
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: As you say, Senator.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: Sir, if you are confirmed, will you ensure that our military abide by the Geneva conventions?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: (incredulous) You want us to cede control of our field decisions to a foreign body?
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: I want us to abide by rules that protect civilians and allow for the fair treatment of prisoners captured in combat.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: With all due respect, Senator, I will do nothing that compromises the ability of our brave men in uniform to do their jobs.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: Men and women.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: What?
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: You said men in uniform. I’m sure you meant men and women in uniform.
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: We’ll see.
Pause.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: Umm…mister Hedaiggsethative, we have heard some of your ideas about how to run the Department of Offence and your lack of experience at running large organizations. There are also reports of your emotional unfitness to –
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: (shouting) I’m not drunk! You’re drunk!
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: I didn’t say you were drunk, sir. I –
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: I can quit any time I want.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: This is not about –
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: There. See? I just quit drinking. Don’t believe me?
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: Sir, this isn’t –
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: There! I quit again. Quitting drinking isn’t hard. I’ll bet I could quit drinking 50 times a day if I had to. A hundred if I really concentrated.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: What the hell are you talking about, sir?
NOMINEE HEDAIGGSETHATIVE: You people and your gotcha questions! You wanna go? Come on – I can take a toothpick like you. Let’s go, pipe cleaner!
CHAIR: Okay. It’s been a long and productive day. I think this would be a good place to adjourn the hearing.
SENATOR ADAM HOWETUSCHIFFDABLAMÉ: With all due respect, Mister Chair, I haven’t finished my –
CHAIR: This session is officially adjourned.