by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Endomitrium Finnangilgamesh, the President and CEO of End Times Product Lines, a wholly unowned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp (“We do piggybacking on the promotional efforts of others stuff”), had an unhappy message to give his employees: he would be the only one at the company receiving a ChristmaKwaanzUkah bonus this year.
Unhappy being a relatively relative term.
In a memo to his staff, Finnangilgamesh explained that he was really sorry for having had to make that decision (sorry being a highly relative term), but that the tariffs on foreign goods proposed by incoming president Ronald McDruhitmumpf would be raising the cost of the company’s products. If he had to choose between cutting his own bonus or those of his employees to make up for the increased costs, well, cutting their bonuses was just a sacrifice he would have to suck up and make.
Finnangilgamesh cited the example of the McDruhitmumpf bible, which was edited to not contain pesky passages about treating immigrants well or not bearing false witness and which President-elect McDruhitmumpf signed as though he had written it. The book, which cost eight dollars to produce and was sold for $49.99, will cost sixteen dollars to produce and have to be sold for $79.99 if the proposed tariff on holy water ink from China goes through.
To forestall this, ETPL is buying extra Chinese ink to keep the price of the product as low as possible for as long as possible, using money that would have gone to the employees. “So, if you’re angry about not getting bonuses this year,” Finnangilgamesh said, “blame Canada!”
Not where I thought that was going. But it makes its own kind of sense.
“I can’t believe this is happening!” commented ETPL order fluffer Esther Onawannagoth. “Now, how am I gonna afford to get each of my seventeen children the combination dreidel/crucifix/door key they always get at ChristmaKwaanzUkah?”
When I pointed out that the Reduhblicans have become the Capitalism Eating People’s Faces Party, Onawannagoth, who voted for McDruhitmumpf because, “He hates the same people I hate…in government, I mean. He hates the same politicians I – oh, you know what I mean!”, cried, “I didn’t think capitalism would eat my face!”
ETPL employees argued that the tariffs would be paid by Chinese companies, like the one that supplied the company with the glitter it used in the Ronald McDruhitmumpf Kicks Ass set of trading cards. Finnangilgamesh’s memo just shook its head and sadly informed them that that wasn’t the way tariffs worked.
“But…but…but Ronald McDruhitmumpf told us that China would pay for the tariffs,” Onawannagoth insisted. “He wouldn’t lie about that. Like he lied about Mexico paying for the border wall. Or he lied about raping E. Jean Carollingian. Or he lied about January 6. Or he lied about – oh, god, I’m so screwed, aren’t I?”
The Finnangilgamesh memo wisely remained silent on this issue.
“Give me things that never happened for a thousand and twenty, Alex,” democratdenier027 wrote on TiktokingTimeBomb. When people pointed out that Jeopardy! didn’t work that way, democratdenier027 responded: “I’m enjoying drowning in your tears!” At this point, reasonable people shook their heads and left democratdenier027 to enjoy his weirdness on his own.
In fact, small businesses across the country are making plans to deal with the McDruhitmumpf tariffs, according to Small Businesses Across the Country, a lobby group representing small business across the country. Some are laying off warehouse employees on the theory that they won’t be producing as many products, so the space will be much easier to organize. Some are seeking to be bought out by bigger companies better able to weather the economic storm.
“Oh, dear me, yes, we’ve had a lot of offers since the election,” said Ned Enfeeblishment-Raye, MultiNatCorp Vice President Frightenment and Enlightenment. “And while we can all imagine what it must be like to be the proprietor of a small business, even though MultiNatCorp hasn’t been one for over a century, I feel the need to point out that if we wanted to buy them, we would have already. That’s how capitalism eating your face works.”
“Spare me your left-wing lies,” democratdenier027 pressed on. “Companies are using tariffs as an excuse to gouge their customers. Tariffs will make sure that Vesampuccerians will buy products made in Vesampucceri. After an initial surge in price, prices will come down as we buy local. Or Vesampuccerians will just learn to do without certain things.” When it was pointed out that companies engaged in price gouging aren’t likely to reduce their prices even if the products they sell are entirely made in Vesampucceri, democratdenier027 responded: “I’m gonna enjoy watching you get carted off to jail!”
At this point, people who weren’t quite reasonable but could fake it in polite company shook their heads and left democratdenier027 to enjoy his weirdness on his own.
Keep in mind that this is just two hours after the election. Imagine how bad things will get by inauguration day!