| 1 | Is the world in the midst of a global pandemic? Maybe…COVID-19? Yeah, that example would work. Is the world in the midst of a COVID-19 pandemic? | |
| NO | 2 | Why are you wasting our time? Don’t you know we have an economy to run? GO TO 1. |
| YES | 3 | Aww, it’s not that bad! Stop wasting our time! Get back to us when hospital emergency rooms are overflowing with pandemic patients! |
| 4 | Are hospital emergency rooms overflowing with pandemic patients? | |
| NO | 5 | Hey! Busy people, here! Businesses can’t deregulate themselves (much as they try, god bless them!)! Really, stop wasting our time! GO TO 4 |
| YES | 6 | Okay, that’s a little…troubling. Still, nothing we can’t handle in a spare moment. Worse comes to worst, we can always ask other provinces to send us their spare medical personnel. Get back to us when something serious is happening, like significant numbers of residents are dying of the pandemic. |
| 7 | Are significant numbers of residents dying of the pandemic? | |
| NO | 8 | If you don’t stop wasting our time, we’ll pass a law making it a felony! Social programmes don’t dismantle themselves, you know! GO TO 7 |
| YES | 9 | Okay, yeah, that’s a problem. Citizens aren’t as likely to vote for you if they’re dead…or they were close to somebody who is dead. (Yes, we mean it’s a problem for the Conservative Party – who did you think was our top priority?) We, umm, we’ll encourage people to get vaccinated and wear masks in public. That should stem the tide of the virus! |
| 10 | Does encouraging people to get vaccinated and wear masks in public actually stem the tide of the virus? | |
| YES | 11 | Whoa. Will wonders never cease? Now, if you’ll excuse us, busy. |
| NO | 12 | Is popular support for the provincial party dropping? |
| NO | 13 | Add provisions to allow businesses to refuse service to people who are not wearing masks. Reluctantly. GO TO 12 |
| YES | 14 | Okay, now it’s a crisis! Lock down the province and mandate the use of masks in public until the numbers decrease (hospitalizations and deaths) and increase (party popularity). |
| 15 | Does the mandate and lockdown have so many exemptions and loopholes (not to mention lax enforcement methods) that the numbers don’t move substantially? | |
| YES | 16 | Close the loopholes a little and increase enforcement a bit, with the greatest regrets and apologies to your anti-vaxx supporters for breaking your promise not to do these things. GO TO 15 |
| NO | 17 | Declare victory over the pandemic and end the lockdown and mandates. |
| 18 | Is the pandemic really over? | |
| NO | GO TO 4 | |
| YES | 19 | Phew! If there was only one wave of the pandemic, the province should fully recover within a year or two. If there were two waves of the pandemic, the province might almost fully recover within three to five years. If there were three waves of the pandemic, the province may never fully recover, but things will get back to normal. Ish. Eventually. If there were four or more waves of the pandemic, who knows when or how much the province will recover? |
Notes
You might think that the primary goal of a government is to secure the health and well-being of its people. You might further think that a global pandemic would be an obvious threat to the health and well-being of the people, one that would spur governments to employ immediate and forceful countermeasures.
They’re so cute when they’re young, aren’t they? It almost makes you wish they would never grow up. Almost. There’s actually a term for people who grow older but don’t grow up: anti-vaxx fascists. It’s not something any rational person would wish for.
The Provincial Conservative Party Pandemic Preparedness Algorithm is an evidence-based look at the way provinces led by Conservative governments respond to the COVID-19 pandemic over time. In doing this, it illuminates their priorities (spoiler: it does not appear to be the lives of its citizens).
You might wish Conservative governments took pandemics more seriously. If agreeing with your wish makes us young, we never want to grow older. Still, it’s important to remember that The Provincial Conservative Party Pandemic Preparedness Algorithm does not portray things as we would like them to be: it portrays things the way they are. If you wish for things to be different, you know what you have to do: vote.
Or, rather, take an antacid. Then vote.