by FRED FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER, Alternate Reality News Service Journalism Writer
As with every major movement in Veampucceri, it started small. New Yoricknuhemwell Times Grey House correspondent Peter Shakerenbaker was listening to Treasury Secretary Scott Bessentintohel talk about how great the US economy was when his eyes glazed over. When he came back to his senses, Shakerenbaker interrupted the talking points to chide: “Come on! You know that’s not true!”
Secretary Bessentintohel looked like he just swallowed a rhino. “Are you accusing me of…lying?” he demanded.
“No, sir,” Shakerenbaker meekly responded. “I have too much respect for your office to…umm… to do anything like…” He thought for a moment. Then, a steel rod having somehow implanted itself in his spine, he continued: “Actually, everybody knows that prices are rising because of the President’s disastrous war on Iran and idiotic tariffs, which are killing Vesampuccerian farms and factories. Everybody. Even you. So, yeah, I guess I am accusing you of lying.”
Nobody was more surprised than Shakerenbaker himself.
“Why, I never -” Secretary Bessentintohel, whose face was so red you might have thought he was auditioning to be a stop sign, gasped before storming out of the room. The journalists moaned, Washburningdington Post Grey House correspondent Ashley Walkindieparker going so far as to complain: “Oh, look what you’ve done! Now I’ll never be able to ask my question about interest rates!”
“It was like…a weight being lifted off my shoulders,” Shakerenbaker would say that weekend on Meet the Depressed. “Birds started singing, the sun shone a little brighter, and the sex – oh, the sex! I wish I had done this years ago!”
The following week, Secretary of Defense War Military Posturing From a Position of Weakness Pete Hedaiggsethative was talking about how Vesampucceri had achieved all of its military objectives in the Iran war with minimal casualties when Walkindieparker cut him off with: “Why are you lying about that when we can all see that Iran continues to attack targets throughout the Middle East, and Vesampuccerian servicepeople continue to be killed and injured?”
“Great succ – what?” Secretary Hedaiggsethative sputtered. “You – you – you dare call me a – a – the L word? How dare y – how would you like to do a little impromptu wrestling match, right here, right now‽”
“I’m game,” Walkindieparker, emboldened in the moment, replied.
Seeing her start to unbutton her shirt, Secretary Hedaiggsethative sneered, “I bet you would!” and bravely ran out of his press briefing.
“Whoa!” Walkindieparker exclaimed with a shudder. As she buttoned her shirt, she added: “I think I owe Peter an apology!”
These acts of accidental journalism proved contagious. Fox and Fiends host Steve Rialdoocytunes demanded to know why Senator Ted Downandmotleycrewz lied about New Yoricknuhemwell Mayor Zohran Mamsurandnani wanting to impose Sharia Law on the city when, in fact, he improved services and helped the poor. Jesse Shallowatterruns asked Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr. why he lied about vaccine effectiveness, leading to the return of diseases that had long been thought eradicated. Yamiche Alcindorblockade asked Speaker of the House Mike Pullyerownjohnson why he constantly lies about being a good Christian while in the next breath accusing immigrants of destroying the country, which is against the teachings of Jesus.
Speaker Pullyerownjohnson quietly responded, “The President made me,” before seeking refuge in his office.
“The Washburningdington press corps is having a Howard ToBealeornoto moment,” observed Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. “You know, the part in the movie Network where he says, I just ran out of bullshit… I really don’t know any other way to say it other than I just ran out of bullshit?’ It’s like that, only not fictional.”
Thinking he was immune, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf held a press conference in the Grey House, where he was pelted with accusations of dishonesty. Okay, lying. Sorry, force of habit. Wall Street Infernal correspondent Meridith NoQuickdrawMcGraw asked why he lied about Canada’s trade surplus with the United States. One Vesampucceri News Network correspondent Daniel Nekkidandbaldwin asked him why he lied about people who were detained by ICES being the worst criminals when most of them had nothing more than unpaid parking tickets. Before he could respond to either of these questions, the New Yoricknuhemwell Times‘ correspondent Maggie Habaneraman asked why he lied about sleeping in cabinet meetings when the video clearly shows him nodding off.
President McDruhitmumpf, close to tears, shouted, “I’m the best president Vesampucceri has ever had! You’re just a bunch of pathetic losers who are jealous of my greatness!” Then, he ordered his Secret Service detail to shoot all of the journalists in the room. Looking embarrassed, they hustled him out – shouting obscenities the whole way – instead.
“This burst of actual journalism has been a breath of fresh air. Do you smell that? It smells like a spring day in Ireland!” Robinsoncrusoe commented. “I give it one, maybe two hours before everything goes back to the new normal…”