REX VENEER: Welcome to another edition of Meet the Panel. I’m your host, Rex Veneer. Today, I am joined by Republican Representative Matt Gaetz…
MATT GAETZ: Yo.
VENEER: Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez…
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ: How ya doin’?
VENEER: And the President of the Monster Raving Loony Party, Sir High Lord His Supreme Majesty King Fido.
SIR HIGH LORD HIS SUPREME MAJESTY KING FIDO: Kumquats.
VENEER: Today, we’ll be looking at – Kumquats? Why kumquats?
KING FIDO: They’re funnier than rutabagas. It’s the “k” sound – kumquats has two of them, you know.
VENEER: Oh. Kay. Former Nevada Attorney General Adam Laxalt has filed a lawsuit against his state, claiming that the senatorial race was rigged to favour his Democratic oppo –
GAETZ: It wasn’t just a claim – it was a fact. More dead people voted in the Presidential election of 2020 than appeared in all of George Romero’s films combined. Why wouldn’t Adam challenge the results of the 2022 midterms?
VENEER: Because they won’t happen for another 14 months?
GAETZ: That’s just elitist commie journalist talk. We know the Democrats cheat. I mean, I mean, I mean: look at FDR. Nobody voted for him – he won four terms in office because of Democrat gerrymandering.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: If nobody voted for him, like, not a single person, gerrymandering the districts wouldn’t help him win.
GAETZ: Typical Democrat logic.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: That’s the way elections work!
GAETZ: Sorry, but I don’t debate with terrorists.
KING FIDO: Definitely kumquats. Kumquats all the way down!
VENEER: Representative Gaetz, if you’re not prepared to debate, why did you agree to appear on Meet the Panel?
GAETZ: Kevin told me it would be fun.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: So, this is the Republican playbook, now? Claim, without any evidence whatsoever, that elections they lose are rigged?
GAETZ: Because they are!
OCASIO-CORTEZ: Where is Laxalt’s evidence that his Senatorial race was rigged?
GAETZ: Obviously, there is no evidence yet. The election isn’t going to be held for over a year.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: THEN WHY IS HE SUING THE STATE NOW‽
GAETZ: If you don’t understand the nature of time paradoxes, I’m afraid I won’t be able to explain it here. Watch an episode of Doctor Who, why don’t you?
OCASIO-CORTEZ: I’m surprised a manly man like you would know anything about Doctor Who.
GAETZ: A kid I used to…tease in high school talked about it all the time. You couldn’t shut him up about it. And, believe me, I tried. I –
KING FIDO: Rex, if I may interrupt, here…
VENEER: Of course.
Pause.
VENEER: King Fido? You wanted to say something?
KING FIDO: Naah. I got nothing. I just like interrupting.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: This approach to elections has never made any sense. If you keep telling your voters that elections are rigged, they’ll feel their vote is worthless and not turn out. You end up guaranteeing that you won’t win.
GAETZ: Which will just prove the election was rigged.
KING FIDO: Ooh! Ooh ooh! Now, I have something to say.
VENEER: You don’t have to raise your hand.
KING FIDO: I was reaching for a banana.
VENEER: This is a television studio. There are no trees in here.
KING FIDO: I may need longer arms.
VENEER: What was it you wanted to say?
KING FIDO: Oh, ah, umm…buy war bonds?
OCASIO-CORTEZ: If the Republicans challenge the results of every election that they lose, it will undermine a lot of people’s belief in free and fair elections. That would be bad, bad, very bad.
GAETZ: Then, stop cheating.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: Stop claiming that there was election fraud without evidence.
GAETZ: Oh, I’ve got your evidence, baby. I got it right here!
KING FIDO: KUMQUATS! KUMQUATS! TOP HAT WRENCHES!
VENEER: Top hat wrenches?
KING FIDO: I panicked.
VENEER: Representative Gaetz, in the ten months since the Presidential election, the Republicans have offered no credible evidence of election fraud at all, let alone serious enough to affect the outcome. Don’t you think that if you have evidence of widespread voter fraud, you should share it with the American people?
GAETZ: A substantial portion of the American people have doubts about the safety of elections.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: BECAUSE YOU KEEP TELLING THEM THAT DEMOCRATS ARE STEALING ELECTIONS!
GAETZ: Because Democrats keep stealing elections.
VENEER: Where is your proof?
GAETZ: So many Americans have doubts about the safety of elections.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: GAAAAAAK!
KING FIDO: (looking at Gaetz; sad) This is why the Monster Raving Loony Party can’t recruit candidates – the Republicans snatch them up before we have a chance!