by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
There will be dancing in the Kremlin tonight
The Vodka will flow
Over the bodies of our enemies
We will throw our empty glasses
At the heads of our friends
We’ll sing songs of Fenwick’s greatness
Wiping blood off our foreheads, cheeks and chins
Until the sun rises and we pass out
Oh, there will be dancing in the Kremlin tonight!
– modern ancient folk song of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick
To celebrate his victory in the presidential election, Ronald McDruhitmumpf took phone calls from leaders of allied nations he considers friends.
“You lied to your own voters about what you would do to them if they voted for you. You threatened your enemies with jail. You suggested that your supporters beat up journalists who questioned you. You lied. I mean, all of the time, you lied. And when you were caught in a lie, you told an even bigger lie!” North Korean dictator Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg recalled telling President-elect McDruhitmumpf. “You’re my hero!”
“You know, when I first Met Ronnie, I didn’t think he had it in him to be a true leader,” commented Hungarian strong man Victor Morbanforyorbuk. “He seemed kind of…weak, to me. Too eager to please. To be a proper leader, you have to grab power by the throat and never let go. Damn, if he isn’t actually doing that!”
President-elect McDruhitmumpf’s biggest supporters seem to be leaders of dictatorships. Has he been inducted into the club of strongman authoritarians?
“The club of strongman author – oh, please! You make it sound like we have a secret handshake or something equally childish,” genially demurred Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. “Okay, I will allow that we speak in code when we are together in public, but I assure you that has nothing to do with feelings of amity and everything to do with not broadcasting our evil plans in public!”
When asked what he and the President-elect spoke about in their call, Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy refused to discuss details. “You wouldn’t understand the code, and I’m certainly not about to translate it for you,” he stated.
He did allow, however, that his congratulatory phone call was made the day before the election. “I knew President McDruhitmumpf would be swamped by calls from every Mah-Jhongg, Vic and XiXi, and I wanted to ensure that I was the first.” When I asked him how he could congratulate somebody on winning an election before it was held, the Prime Minister tapped his nose twice with his index finger and answered: “The code.”
“President-elect who? Ronald McDroopysloppypants?” asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu. After a couple of seconds, he broke into a hearty laugh with just a hint of cruelty. “Oh, I’m just messing with you! Believe me when I say, any friend of war criminals is a friend of mine!”
I wasn’t sure the Prime Minister meant what he had said, but I was sure I didn’t want to be the one to correct him. People have lost their homes for less. Not to mention their lives.
Not all of the world leaders were as effusive in their phone calls as Mah-Jhongg or Morbanforyorbuk. Chinese Premier Xixin Pingalingaling, for example, said of his conversation with McDruhitmumpf that: “Oh, we spoke of many things. I welcomed him back to the world stage and told him I was looking forward to working with him on important matters of mutual interest. You know, the usual bullshit. Then, I warned him against imposing tariffs on Chinese goods, that that would lead to a trade war that could devastate the world economy. And we laughed and laughed. It was all very cordial. But seriously, he doesn’t want to start a tariff war with China. Any chance you could make that clear to him?”
I chalked the Premier’s unusual…candour up to a zealous translator. Or it could have been a result of the dictators’ code. Dammit – Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy seems to have got into my head!
I reached out to the campaign to ask if the President-elect took phone calls from any non-dictatorial world leaders on the day of his election. Campaign aide Ronald McDruhitmumpf, Jr. Grabbed the phone out of a press liaison’s hand and shouted, “What are you doing still trying to ask us questions, asshole‽ We’re coming for you! You and all your Commie, fascist journalist buddies! It’s morning in America, asswipe, and there’s a new sheriff in town and he shoots off his own hip!” Then, he broke into a high-pitched noise that sounded a lot like a giggle, but tinnier.
I’ll just put that down as a, “No comment.”