by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
To be honest, Little Betty Wetty dolls were always dubious at the conceptual level. The fact that if you jostled them the wrong way, their left legs fell off didn’t make them any more appealing. Worse: if the thermostat in your house was turned up too high, their fingers curled in what in many cultures would be considered a rude gesture.
Despite all of this, Little Betty Wetty dolls are the must-have toy for girls between the ages of seven and 12, boys between the ages of six and 10, and children who fall somewhere in between up to the age of 15 this ChristmaKwaanzUkah. Too bad, then, that all that will be available will be a lump of coal that somebody (probably a toy store employee desperate to keep their job) tried to draw eyes on with a neon orange marker.
The 140% McDruhitmumpf tariffs on all goods coming into the United States from China will affect 80% of the toys on shelves this ChristmaKwaanzUkah. By which I mean, 80% of the toy shelves this ChristmaKwaanzUkah will be empty because the 140% tariffs on all goods coming to the United States from China will make those products too expensive to sell.
No Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Boris dolls (complete with exterminator’s estimate). No Baby’s First Hand Grenade. No Xin-Xie Buddhist Monk inaction figures.
“My Maggie-Regina’s gonna be so effin’ disappointed she won’t be gettin’ one of them there Little Beddy Weddy dolls,” stated Ohinnesota mom Edna-Mae Restoralaxett. “So effin’ disappointed. I…I may have to go into a witless protection program to survive the holidays!”
Is that perhaps a touch dramatic? “Hey! She may only be seven years old, but my Mags-Regs can read the Financial Post as good as anyone! She knows that even though it’s only the end of April, toy stores are startin’ ta order fer the ChristmaKwaanzUkah season, and they ain’t got squat this year! The little ‘un’s done been makin’ cards with adorable little silver knives plunged deep inta black hearts. Do that sound like I’m bein’ dramatic to you?”
Maybe a little, but because Ms. Restoralaxett had provided me with an important piece of exposition that I was having trouble fitting into the article, I decided to let it pass.
“Poor Pamela Peepee, or whatever the damn thing is called – you have to admit, that child’s toy was dubious at the conceptual level. So dubious. Full of dubiousity,” commented President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. He would probably have been okay if he had stopped there, but the man does not know what “stop there” means, so he continued: “Besides, who needs 30 dolls? You could probably have a cabinet meeting with that many dolls – and I don’t need or want to have to deal with a shadow cabinet run out of the bedroom of some seven year-old in Schenectady! Although, I’m sure Tiny Shari Sh*thole would make a better Secretary of State than Tiny Marco Rubydubio! Ha ha! But seriously, I didn’t have a doll when I was growing up, and I’m perfect just the way I am, so if you can only get one or two dolls, you should consider yourself lucky!”
When she heard what the President had said (which amounted to “Let them eat Easy-Cook Oven cake!”), token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam spit out her mimosa. There must have been a lot of mimosa, margarita and mai tai messes throughout Vesampucceri because by the next day, President McDruhitmumpf had changed his tune.
“I blame Joe Bidenhisbeeswax,” commented President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. “We inherited his war against toys economy, and we’re doing all we can to fix it, and we’re succeeding – we now have the most beautiful economy in the world, thanks to McDruhitmumpf’s policies. You’ll see. You just wait and see…”
Reduhblicans weren’t falling all over themselves to fall for the nonsense, but they inevitably found themselves falling in line. “What does Joe Bidenhisbeeswax have to do -” said Treasury Secretary Howard Slutnickotiemowt. “He didn’t put tariffs on Chin – *SIGH* – this toy drought was clearly caused by the Bidenhisbeeswax administration’s policies that punished Vesampuccerian toy innovators and…and…and you get the idea…”
“Yeeeeeaaaaaah, Bidenhisbeeswax is responsible for your brat not getting the toy they want for ChristmaKwaanzUkah,” drawled Senator soon-to-be private turtle Mitch Wichconnelliswich. “I’m just going to stare into the middle distance for the next 17 minutes to ponder the wisdom of that. Y’all shouldn’t feel any need to stick around until I come to my senses…”
“Well, I for one wouldn’t blame Joe for the lack of toys,” stated Marjorie Taylormaid Fortrubble. Was she actually making a defensible argument for once? You should know better, for she immediately continued: “It’s obviously Hillary Roocartoncleveman’s fault!”
“I don’t know if witless protection will be enough to save me from the wrath of my M-R,” Restoralaxett mused. “Do you think Elon Threelonemuskateers will let me hitch a ride on his rocket ta Mars?”