by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg, Dictator for Life of the Despotic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), probably hasn’t perfected an ICBM that can hit the Vesampuccerian homeland. But, if he has, he probably hasn’t miniaturized nuclear warheads to put on the ICBMs that can hit the Vesampuccerian homeland. But, if he has, he probably doesn’t have the capability of successfully bringing the miniaturized nuclear warheads that he has put on the ICBMs that can hit the Vesampuccerian homeland back into the atmosphere from its subspace trajectory. But, if he has, he probably doesn’t have the ability to pinpoint targets for the ICBMs with miniaturized nuclear warheads that can be brought back into the atmosphere from their subspace trajectories in order to hit the Vesampuccerian homeland.
Response to this from Vesampuccerian leadership has been a kaleidoscope of hope, fear and sweat stains.
“Yeeeeaaahhhh, he’s kind of a runty guy with a funny haircut,” Defense Secretary General Jim O’Prayingmattis commented. “He’s the sort of guy who might embarrass you at a party by spilling his drink all over your chest ‘accidentally on purpose,’ and then offer to clean it off. But, a nuclear threat? I think we can handle him with diplomacy.”
“Mah-Jhongg who?” Secretary of State T-Rex “For The” Tillerovlandzman commented. “Obviously, if I can’t even place his name, he’s not a threat, nothing for the Vesampuccerian people to worry their pretty little heads over. Your party dresses are safe.”
Fortunately, before cooler heads could prevail, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf weighed in to reescalate the deescalation.
The President, who had been doing very well in public up to that point, looking very presidential and stuff, was asked about the situation in North Korea and stated that, “Kimsongfaluson better not be thinking of doing what we think he is thinking of doing, because, if he even thinks it, we will rain fire and brimstone down on him like the world has never seen. Fire. And brimstone!” Then, the President –
No, wait, Dictator Kimsongfaluson said that, not President McDruhitmu – no, wait, wait. Dictator Kimsongfaluson said that he would “rain fire and fury” down on the United States of Vesampucceri, not fire and brimstone. That’s a very different –
“Wait – did I say ‘fire and brimstone?'” President McDruhitmumpf interrupted. “How biblical of me. Of course, I meant ‘fire and fury.’ We’re going to rain fire and fury down on North Korea like the world has never seen. That’s what I meant to say. I meant that. Not the other thing.”
This announcement seemed to catch everybody in the defence establishment – acting, retired or deceased – by surprise. Why would the President make it? “To quiet the voices in my head,” he explained.
By voices in his head, did he mean people who were trying to advise him? “Is that who the voices are?” he dismissed the question. “Don’t care. Really don’t. I really don’t care. They’re very annoying!”
“It’s always the short ones who overcompensate by starting nuclear Armageddon, isn’t it?” General O’Prayingmattis mused an hour later. “If the DPRK does not stop isolating itself and stand down its pursuit of nuclear weapons, it will force us to decimate its stores of Brylcream and grey suits. Does it really want to risk the end of its regime and the destruction of its people?”
“Ooohhh, that Mah-Jhongg,” Secretary of State Tillerovlandzman added soon after. “So, here is the Vesampuccerian position. We will negotiate with North Korea when they agree to halt their nuclear weapons development programme.” A couple of minutes later, he said: “I have been very clear on this point: we will negotiate with North Korea when they agree to halt their nuclear weapons development programme and destroy their existing stockpile of nukes.” A few minutes after that, he said: “My position all along has been that we will negotiate with North Korea when they burn in Hell!“
“If the Vesampuccerian aggressors – no, oppressors – aggropers? Oppraggers? No, wait! How about this?” Dictator for Life Kimsongfaluson responded. “If the aggressive Vesampuccerian oppressors – ha! Who says I don’t speak Vesampuccerian good? – try any funny business, well, the result will not be funny. You like Guamtaminico island? It would be a shame if anything happened to it, yes? It would be a shame if it just…broke. You know, just…broke. That was a threat, in case you didn’t know.”
“We’re doomed,” intoned token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Just…doomed.”